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Dr. Pepper is now the U.S.’ 2nd-most-popular soda, surpassing Pepsi and trailing Coca-Cola. Mountain Dew remains the most popular soda-related cause of organ failure.

A man who survived a shark attack while swimming at a California beach said he repeatedly punched it in the face. The man was treated for bites to his hand, arm, and torso – and officials are looking for a shark with a black eye.

This is Pat Sajak’s last week hosting Wheel Of Fortune, but said in an interview he could have kept going, mainly because he’s paid eight figures to spin a wheel once, say numbers and letters, and be a dick to people.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft team said a “computer issue” caused them to abort launch for a second time. The Windows operating system update said “this will take a minute” and was stuck on 2% Complete for a half-hour.

Cyndi Lauper announced her final in-person shows, the Girls Just Want To Have Menopause Tour

A 74-year-old Nebraska woman – pronounced dead at a hospice care facility – was found breathing after being transported to a funeral home. For their part, the ambulance company offered a discount on a second round trip between the two facilities next week.

Utah’s NHL team – the former Arizona Coyotes – reportedly has four finalists for a team name: Mammoth; Yeti; & two others. The last two weren’t named by the team’s new owner, but Bigamists and Joseph Smiths are believed to be in the running.

A University of Pennsylvania study claims daily Omega-3 fatty acid supplements correlate with a 22% reduction in aggressive behavior. The study followed gang members who took Omega-3 and shot 22% fewer people while enjoying lower cholesterol and blood pressure.

Medical startup Sword Health showcased a new AI that can talk to sick people during appointments. So far it knows “we aren’t accepting new patients”; “we don’t take that insurance”; and “have you tried Tylenol?”

The owner of the world’s largest collection of fossilized poop is showcasing it at his new ‘Poozeum’ in Arizona. There are samples from ancient dinosaurs, as well as new exhibits featuring Rupert Murdoch, Joe Biden & Donald Trump.

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A groundskeeper mowed around a half-naked dead body in front of an abandoned North Carolina home because he thought it was a Halloween decoration. Police say they can’t blame him since most werewolves they see aren’t wearing pants.

A collegiate cheerleading coach quit her job and moved from Florida to Virginia, only to arrive and discover she was never really hired. She is now unemployed and in the future won’t be. aggressive. be-be agressive.

Shannon O’Connor, a 48-year-old California mom, faces felony charges for hosting alcohol-fueled sex parties for high school students. Her Google history included searches for ‘hot 16 year old girls’. It also included searches for ‘party clowns’ since she hosted alcohol-fueled parties for kindergartners.

Star of Disney’s The Little Mermaid, Halle Bailey, is reportedly pregnant. She’s considering a water birth, either naturally, or under-the-sea section.

An incarcerated California serial killer claimed he murdered his pedophile cell mate because of his poor personal hygiene. And just because, you know, it’d been a while.

The average cost for employers to provide health insurance to families rose to $24,000 per year. The cost for fired employees to maintain coverage through COBRA rose to $50,000 per month.

Eight airports in France were closed for security reasons. And because the Parisian bedbug infestation has gotten so bad they’re now hijacking planes to other countries.

European budget airline easyJet cancelled a flight from Tenerife to London because a passenger defecated on the bathroom floor before takeoff. Investigators are running DNA of a Mickey Mouse Pull-Up abandoned at the crime scene.

The FBI released a list of 10 Most-Stolen Cars, as U.S. auto thefts increased 20%. The most-stolen is muscle car Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat. The other 9 were Any Cars Driven By Someone Lost In Philadelphia After Midnight.

Britney Spears claims in her new autobiography that she had an abortion after getting pregnant with Justin Timberlake. Britney said the decision was Tearin’ Up My Heart, as Timberlake bid the child Bye Bye Bye.

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Officials are worried about a credible ISIS terrorist threat to the area around Kabul Airport in Afghanistan – they’re threatening to only sell Dasani water.

Over half of Florida’s school districts are defying Governor Desantis’ ban on mask mandates. Some families still support the mask ban, and are planning to have their kids trick-or-treat as themselves.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam, and required a SEAL Team to free her from captivity making sneakers in a Nike factory.

Spencer Elden, who appeared naked underwater as a baby on the cover of Nirvana’s LP ‘Nevermind‘, is suing, claiming his appearance constitutes child pornography. Nirvana’s attorneys want to settle the lawsuit by giving Elden a binky and a nap.

Paulina Porizkova, 56, shared an unretouched version of her nude photo that appeared on the cover of LA Magazine. She said the pic used “no filters, no anything else”, a claim disputed by creeps who wish it had no hair obscuring her boobs.

Two U.S. congressmen – both former military service members – flew to Kabul to see the Afghanistan evacuation effort firsthand, and to hold the lowest-grossing fundraising dinners in modern history.

Delta Air Lines is raising health insurance premiums for unvaccinated workers by $200/month to compensate for COVID-19 expenses. The workers plan to make up the $200 by selling more stuff they steal out of your checked baggage.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts died at age 80, shocking everyone who placed bets on Keith Richards for the last 20 years.

Stones frontman Mick Jagger paid tribute to Watts, but feels that the show must go on – starting at $200 for lousy seats.

OnlyFans has reversed its decision and will no longer ban pornography on October 1st. Shares of KY and Astroglide lubricants are up 300% in early trading.

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Three new Democratic Senators were sworn in, including Raphael Warnock and Alex Padilla, who replaced Kelly Loeffler and Vice President Kamala Harris – leading established Senators to complain the place is now an even bigger sausage fest.

Despite his pardon from Donald Trump, rapper Kodak Black still faces sexual assault charges in South Carolina. Prosecutors are busily preparing for their Kodak Moment.

The CW Network debuts ‘Walker’, a reboot of ‘Walker – Texas Ranger’. The new show stars Jared Padalecki, after producers rejected an alternate spinoff starring Chuck Norris’ toupee.

Golfer Justin Thomas was dropped by sponsor Ralph Lauren and will enter a training program, following use of a homophobic slur after he missed a putt. Thomas apologized, and said if the ball went in the hole, he’d have used a pro-gay word.

Jill Biden is the 1st First Lady to hold a paid job outside of the White House. She said she needs to do it for the better health insurance.

President Biden signed an executive order requiring face masks on planes. A Spirit Airlines spokesperson said their passengers already do so, to keep from smelling each other.

The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Brooklyn Nets 147-135, in a game both coaches praised as their teams’ best defensive outing of the season.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity criticized Joe Biden’s inaugural speech, referring to the new President as “frail” and “cognitively struggling”. Hannity closed the show saying “and let’s welcome our new head writer, Stephen Miller..”

Medical experts say Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID vaccine could be a game-changer, once everyone gets it in 2024.

Today marks the 4th Anniversary of the Global Women’s March – when thousands of women who missed it decide what they wanted to wear.

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Retailers are battling slumping sales by offering their own subscription services. Gap, Old Navy and even Fruit of the Loom will send you clothes for a fixed monthly fee – though single male Fruit of the Loom subscribers are confused as to why they’d need new underwear more than once every couple of years.

Khloe Kardashian confirmed that she’s pregnant. She’s already fired two ultrasound technicians who didn’t know how to Snapchat sonograms.

  • Next week on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Khloe’s fetus fights with Kourtney over where to spend Christmas vacation.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Idaho passed Illinois as the 5th most-populous state, thanks to Idaho’s booming tech scene and Chicago’s booming murder scene.

Apple confirms that a software feature released last year slows older iPhones to offset issues with the phones’ aging batteries. In a statement Apple said their goal is to deliver the best experience for owners of iPhones – purchased within the last month.

Chipotle shares dropped 5% following reports of sick customers and employees at an L.A. location. Coincidentally, those persons’ weight dropped 5%.

Facebook announced that it’s changing the way it identifies ‘Fake News’ in users’ feeds. They are replacing the ‘Disputed Flag’ with a Breitbart byline.

The House of Representatives introduced a measure to continue to fund the Children’s Health Insurance Program through March – it’s a GoFundMe where donors give a nickel for every 30-lb seated bicep curl Paul Ryan does.

Defense Secretary James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis visited Guantanamo Bay to deliver a message of Holiday good cheer to the troops, and a continuous loop of Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ to the prisoners.

Senator Al Franken delivered his final speech to the U.S. Senate, and afterward hugged male colleagues and waved to females.

The AARP issued a list of reasons it opposes the new tax reform law, as younger Americans pretended to listen to them and care what they have to say.