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Italy declared a complete lockdown over the coronavirus. France declared a complete surrender.

Approximately 3,500 French people dressed in blue paint and white hats, breaking the world record for largest Gathering of the Smurfs. It was 3,499 drunk men and one truly terrifed Smurfette.

China’s leader Xi Jinping toured the country’s Wuhan region as a way to restore Chinese citizens confidence in government’s management of coronavirus. Despite there being no traffic, his motorcade driver caused a five-car pileup.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo enlisted prisoners to produce a low-cost hand sanitizer due to a shortage. However, the prisoners say they’re running out of room in their toilets to make it.

Supermodel Paulina Porizkova, 54, shared a bikini photo taken on a Costa Rica vacation. Porizkova – widow of deceased Cars frontman Ric Ocasek – said ” ‘You Might Think’ you have a chance, but you don’t”

A female Komodo dragon with no male partner gave birth to three hatchlings at Chattanooga Zoo via parthenogenesis, where a female’s egg is self-fertilized without sperm. The single Komodo mom has already started a blog about her journey.

Waxworms, which normally live in beehives and eat wax, have shown in a lab environment that they’ll also eat plastic bags. As bee populations drop, waxworm families will qualify for a federal program to relocate them to landfills.

Nintendo mobile game Mario Kart Tour launched its multiplayer mode, so now you can race against others while you’re behind the wheel of your real car in traffic.

Billie Eilish, who ordinarily wears only baggy clothes in public, showed images of her wearing just a bra during a musical interlude at her Miami concert. The images, accompanied by a poem Eilish wrote, were applauded equally by feminists and perverts.

Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy will do away with studio audiences over coronavirus concerns. Jeopardy is considering a laugh track to play after contestants share their boring, unfunny getting-to-know-you introduction stories.

 

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Researchers are looking for 10,000 dogs in order to test a pill that may slow the aging process in canines. They need 10,000 in order to get 10 dogs that don’t spit out the pill.

A Mommy Blogger is advocating parents adopt “The 4 Gift Rule” for Christmas presents. A Child Blogger is suggesting parents follow “The Don’t Listen To Her Rule”.  [ story h/t to A.D. ]

The FDA issued a warning to Dollar Tree for continuing to sell “unsafe drugs”. The specific drugs weren’t named publicly, but it’s believed they’re referring to top seller DollarContin.

An El Paso Walmart location that was the site of a mass shooting in August reopened this week. Walmart executives thought it was important to the community that the store open in time for residents to clobber each other on Black Friday.

After White House Advisor Stephen Miller was accused of promoting white supremacist literature, Democrats are calling for his resignation. “Yeah but if I quit, like. FIFTY other white racists will have to quit working here too” argued Miller.

Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions contestants are asking viewers to play along at home and donate $1 for each correct response to pancreatic cancer research in honor of Alex Trebek. They also ask that you don’t deduct $1 for wrong answers, you cheap idiots.

An Iowa City Methodist pastor accused of being a “practicing homosexual” is taking a leave of absence amidst complaints. The complaints are from parishioners who can’t believe the church floral arrangements are so terrible.

The Centers for Disease Control say smoking reached its lowest level ever in 2018. Most likely smokers are between ages 25 and 44, gay or bisexual, and members of certain minority groups. CNN anchor Don Lemon was introduced as the new Marlboro Man.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said one customer demanded a full refund because the property they rented was haunted by a ghost. Chesky would not identify the customer, referring to him only as “Shaggy”.

Nine-year-old Laurent Simons will receive a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering from Eindhoven University of Technology in Belgium. He plans on a career in medicine – a decision he made after becoming ill chugging juice boxes at his fraternity hazing.

A U.K. inventor flew over 85 mph in a backpack-mounted jet engine suit, breaking the world record. He was asked how he felt after the flight, but waited to answer until his ass stopped burning.

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Jeopardy! & Wheel of Fortune were both renewed through 2022, delighting game show fans who enjoy feeling really dumb for a half-hour, then kinda smart for the next half-hour.

The WNBA Players Association opted out of their collective bargaining agreement, in a bold move to try and get sports fans to remember the WNBA during its offseason.

Tennessee executed a convicted double murderer using the electric chair for the first time since 2007, surprising prison officials since it started on the first pull.

Avril Lavigne talked to an Australian radio station, addressing a fringe theory that she died and was replaced with a body double. “That’s so dumb, I’m the real April Lavigne!” she said.

Airports in Hungary, Latvia & Greece will add lie detector tests to screen passengers boarding flights. Anyone on a window seat found lying about the number of times they’ll use the restroom will be turned away.

Amazon will be the exclusive seller of 4,500 bottles of rare 19-year-old Bowmore French Oak Single Malt Scotch. 3,000 bottles are expected to survive being tossed on to front porches.

KitchenAid is releasing a commemorative Misty Blue color of its iconic stand mixer to commemorate the brand’s 100th Anniversary. Cooks will love the retro look of it as they shove it to the back corner of the kitchen counter to clear room for appliances they actually use.

Delta Air Lines unveiled the first of 75 brand-new Airbus A220-100 jetliners joining their fleet in the next several years. It’s the first airliner of its size to have non-metal wings, electric brakes instead of hydraulic brakes, and an easy-to-find black box for when the non-metal wings snap and the electric brakes fail.

A Michigan dad driving a minivan carrying his trick-or-treating 3-year-old son ran over the boy – twice – after he fell out of the back of it.  The boy was treated for minor leg injuries, and the Dad finally got the fun-size Snickers bars he’d demanded from his son.

Jersey Shore star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino married longtime girlfriend Lauren Pesce, before reporting to prison to serve his eight-month term for tax fraud. He will be honeymooning with his cellmate.

 

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Microsoft revealed they’ve received 238 gender discrimination and harassment claims over the past six years, many of them citing lewd and vulgar responses to help requests submitted to Clippy the Office Assistant.

Toys R Us stores announced they’re closing or selling all locations and will fully liquidate. Also expected to liquidate? The pants of kids hearing that Toys R Us is gone.

Investment banking giant Goldman Sachs is expected to name David Solomon as their next CEO. Solomon, 56, is a part-time electronic dance dj who works New York and Miami clubs as ‘DJ D-Sol’, at raves which start at 4:30pm and end at 8:30.

Sears is seeking to improve its women’s apparel sales by bringing in the Jaclyn Smith line of clothing from KMart. Sears hopes to regain market share in women’s clothing that it’s been losing to Goodwill and its customers dying.

A new report claims that McDonald’s burgers and fries are higher in calories and salt than they were 30 years ago. McDonald’s disputes the report, saying that can’t be true since the burgers and fries have been in inventory for 35 years.

A new dating app, Waving, allows users to select potential partners by letting you hear the sound of their voice. Executives say the app’s beta is doing well with every category except hot deaf women.

A Minnesota woman was sentenced to a 180-day jail term for fatally shooting her boyfriend in a botched YouTube stunt. Her boyfriend held a book in front of his chest, believing it would stop the bullet. Unfortunately, it was an ebook.

Former ESPN President John Skipper said he resigned after his cocaine dealer threatened to extort him. The dealer said unless Skipper acceded to his demands, he could…go…all…the…way….to Disney CEO Bob Iger.

According to the National Institute on Retirement Security, 66% of millennials have no money saved for retirement. Millennials responded to the survey by saying they’re more interested in using money on experiences – like travel, concerts and homelessness.

Jeopardy! viewers took to Twitter to identify contestant Paris Themmen – who called himself an entrepreneur and backpacker – as the child actor who portrayed Mike TeeVee in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.  Themmen finished second, winning $2,000, a case of Aleve and the heave-ho from weird looking little people.

 

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Former Trump Campaign aide Sam Nunberg, who is refusing a subpoena from Special Counsel Robert Mueller, appeared on CNN’s ‘Out Front with Erin Burnett’, where Burnett said she smelled alcohol on his breath. Nunberg questioned why that’s a problem if CNN has an open bar in the green room.

Porn site YouPorn used artificial intelligence to predict “porn’s hottest trends”. The list included pop-culture matchups like “T’Challa and Shuri” and more cryptic terms like “spray and pay”.  Production started immediately on “Black Panther Goes To The Car Wash”.

By May, McDonald’s Quarter Pounders in the contiguous U.S. will be made with fresh beef. Fresh beef in Hawaii locations will wait until cattle can be duped into taking luxury vacations; Alaska is just a long way off.

A 20-year-old Oregon man is suing Dick’s Sporting Goods and Walmart for refusing to sell him a rifle due to their new 21-and-older policy for firearms sales. His friends and acquaintances are rapidly lining up excuses for missing his 21st birthday party.

Questlove is encouraging celebrities to buy tickets so that children can see ‘A Wrinkle In Time’. For every $10 donated, children get a free ticket to an AMC theater showing ‘A Wrinkle In Time’, so they can sneak out and see ‘Black Panther’ again.

Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson interviewed Stephen Hawking for his show StarTalk, gathering the highest-ever ratings for a program that absolutely no one watching can understand.

Jeopardy! used a sudden-death tiebreaker for the first time in history after two contestants ended Final Jeopardy with the same score. Jeopardy! switched to the single-question tie breaker in 2016; judges used to declare the winner by who had the least-boring story after the first commercial break.

Dyson’s new air purifier has an LCD screen that tells you what it’s cleaning out of the air in your home. It displays messages such as ‘dust’, ‘pet dander’, and ‘please hire a cleaning lady I am dying’.

A Chinese woman gave her iPhone to her 2-year-old, and the child entered an incorrect password enough times to lock her out of it for 47 years. A Genius Bar worker took her email address and notified her when she’s eligible to trade in for an iPhone 53.

MLB’s Arizona Diamondbacks are throwing back over two decades, and will bring in relief pitchers using a golf cart — provided they can find a golf cart in Arizona.

 

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TV ratings for NFL football dropped 10% this year, after an 8% drop last year. Commissioner Roger Goodell hopes to reverse the trend by allowing fans to binge-watch full seasons at once.

Tiangong-1, a 9.4-ton space station launched years ago by China, will make a planned crash into Earth as winter ends. It will be visible in the night sky going slower than usual with its turn signal left flashing for the duration of reentry.

Mark Zuckerberg said that his personal challenge for 2018 is fixing Facebook, while a majority of Americans state their personal challenge for 2018 is fleeing Facebook.

A Connecticut man faces animal cruelty charges for ripping the heads off of 20 chickens in a “jealous rage” after seeing pictures of his wife partying with other people on Christmas.  Horrified witnesses described the scene as ‘a lot of running around.’

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek is taking a medical leave of absence after brain surgery to correct these blood clots on the brain. “What are subdural hematoma?” said his doctor whose cash winnings total over $15,000 dollars.

Amazon is bringing Alexa to wearable fitness trackers, just as soon as the company can program a few dozen ways for her to tell you that you’re ‘big boned’.

Apple confirmed that all of its Mac and iOS devices are susceptible to hacks from the newly-discovered Meltdown and Spectre bugs, but that updated batteries are available for just $29 if you want your devices ruined faster.

According to an expose in Indian newspaper The Tribune, India’s national ID database – containing personal information for a billion residents – is available to anyone willing to pay $10 to a mysterious man known as Anil Kumar. As to the extent of the damage from identity theft, the report says it’s too soon to Patel.

GoPro laid off between 200-300 employees in its drone division, as seen in an overhead video of sad people carrying cardboard boxes to their cars.

Cold temperatures in Florida are causing iguanas to drop out of trees. Since the iguanas could be carriers of dangerous salmonella bacteria, residents are advised to leave them alone and let them fall into sinkholes once it warms up.