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The manager and eight employees at a Nebraska Burger King all walked out on their jobs and put ‘WE ALL QUIT’ on the large marquee sign in front of the restaurant. “Have it your way” said the owner.

Goldfish dumped in Michigan lakes are growing to over a foot in size, wreaking havoc with ecosystems. Wildlife experts don’t know how to get rid of them, since they’re too large to flush down a toilet.

The U.S. Government began issuing tax credit payments of $3,600 for children under age 6. Demand is surging for platinum rims and high-wattage stereos for tricycles.

Luxury watchmaker Tag Heuer debuted a Connected x Digital Watch featuring Super Mario that will retail for $2,150. Only 2,000 units will be sold, mostly to wealthy collectors who want to impress 10-year-olds.

Coca-Cola is changing Coke Zero Sugar to make it taste more like regular Coke Classic. They’re also considering changing the formula of Dasani Water to make it taste even more like a rusty schoolyard fountain.

Martin Lawrence’s daughter and Eddie Murphy’s son are dating, in what’s expected to bring a truly vulgar & hilarious breakup.

Cardi B gifted her daughter Kulture a diamond necklace for her 3rd birthday. Kulture then lost several baby teeth attempting to eat it.

Billionaire Melinda Gates visited New York City, with a security detail of six bodyguards and three SUVs. “Nice meeting you” said her Match.com date.

Actress Megan Fox said she visited Costa Rica and tried hallucinogen ayahuasca, saying she “went to hell for an eternity”. Fox now knows what it’s like to sit through one of her Transformers movies.

American Airlines crew duct-taped a woman to her seat after she experienced an in-flight “mental health episode” and tried to open the jet’s door. The woman said she chose American because Spirit Airlines charges $49 for the tape.

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An expansion of the U.S. earthquake early-warning system makes it available to 50 million people on the West Coast. The system, called Shake Alert, faces criticism from users confusing earthquakes with their Shake Shack order being ready.

Following dozens more reports of injured children, Peloton reversed their positions and agreed to recall their treadmills. Peloton online fitness classes were constantly interrupted by people pulling their kids out from under the belt.

An advisory board upheld Donald Trump’s ban from Facebook & Instagram, but said they need to decide again in six months after seeing how many state & federal crimes Trump was facing.

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf is teaming up w Penn State football to encourage vaccination. “Nah, I think we’re good” said Wolf when retired assistant coach Jerry Sandusky offered his help.

Police in Bensalem, Pennsylvania debuted the Copsicle truck, a community-relations effort where police give away free ice cream. So far the truck has been used to successfuly lure & capture over 20 sixth-graders who jumped bail.

Multiple Major League Baseball teams are giving fans a free ticket when they get a COVID-19 vaccine at the stadium. The Philadelphia Phillies are reevaluating their plan after vaccine recipients were heckled and pelted with batteries by anti-vaxxers.

Zhe “Shelly” Wang, an interpreter for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, denies rumors that she’s responsible for their breakup. It’s hard to tell if the divorce is the result of too much Wang, or not enough.

The summer’s hottest top for women is Mirror Palais’ “underwire polo” – a crop-top that pairs an underwire bra with a button placket, collar and long sleeves. The hottest top for men is whatever they wore yesterday, probably.

A woman in Morocco gave birth to nine babies at once. She’s seeking parenting advice from others who have had a similar experience, but so far has only heard from cats.

A San Francisco tech CEO was ousted for taking LSD before an investor’s meeting. He said he got the idea from multiple middle-managers who dropped acid to get through their annual performance reviews.

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Philadelphia’s Police Department is understaffed by 200 officers. To increase recruits, they’re offering a starting salary of $55,000, and every cadet who completes academy training will receive a special bribe.

Disney unveiled a real-life lightsaber. They’ll sell it in gift shops at Disney Parks exits, so kids won’t decapitate each other at the Happiest Place on Earth.

The FAA says more airline passengers are exhibiting unruly behavior now that travel has resumed. They’ve cited anti-mask arguments, smuggling alcohol aboard, and, on Spirit Airlines, passengers fistfighting outside of the designated fistfight rows.

Kim Kardashian went golfing. But was disappointed she couldn’t hit black balls.

Bill & Melinda Gates did not have a prenup. Instead, they’ll split their wealth and property according to a “Separation Agreement” they drafted. It’s a six-word document reading “We’ll always be incredibly f***ing rich.”

Joe Biden set a goal to vaccinate 160 million Americans by July 4th. His plans include shooting loaded needles in to the air during fireworks displays.

A one-in-30-million calico lobster made it to a tank at a Manassas, Virginia Red Lobster. The lobster lived, but will have to grow back the claws that some guy ate.

A 6-year-old girl ran safely to shore in shallow water off the coast of Oahu, Hawai’i after a shark was spotted within inches of her. Lifeguards then started adult swim.

Justin Bieber returned to wearing dreadlocks, concerned that he was losing his connection with other white douchebags.

Donald Trump started a new blog, ‘From the Desk of Donald J. Trump’. It’s the usual lamebrained rantings about election fraud and people he doesn’t like, along with a big red button you can click to order Diet Coke.

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New research finds too much high-intensity interval training is bad for you. “Good to know” said people walking on treadmills while reading books.

It’s Star Wars Day. The Mandalorian is busy hunting down and shooting everyone saying “May the 4th Be With You”.

Verizon sold AOL & Yahoo to a private equity firm, in a deal valued at “whatever 1997 was worth”.

Bill Gates and wife Melinda are divorcing after 27 years, six or more operating systems and three browsers.

A woman who didn’t know she was 29 weeks pregnant gave birth on a flight to Hawaii. During contractions, American Airlines charged her $99 to upgrade to a seat with more legroom.

  • “Can you shut that kid up?” said the guy in the seat behind her.

A Philadelphia man in an Amazon vest was caught on video stealing packages. At first cops thought he was impersonating an employee, but then he pissed in an empty soda bottle and went on with his day.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart of the Seattle Storm got engaged to pro basketball player Marta Xargay Casademont of the WNBA Phoenix Mercury. Xargay praised Stewart’s one-on-one pressure.

A Republican woman in a California city council meeting compared her treatment for opposing mask-wearing to Rosa Parks “being pushed to the back of the bus.” Except she’s white. And has never ridden a bus in her life.

Hall of Fame NFL QB Terry Bradshaw called Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers “weak” for the way he’s publicly handling disputes with the team. Then Bradshaw got back to work on the E! reality show where his daughters ruthlessly make fun of him.

Joe Biden is raising the cap on refugees who can enter the United States from 15,000 to 62,500. They currently serving #48, and nobody has the money to buy a FastPass to jump the line.