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Taylor Swift reportedly handed out a total of $50 million in bonuses to her U.S. Eras Tour crew. Lizzo reportedly gave away whatever was left over from her backstage dinner buffet, then told them they needed to lose weight.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie have announced they’re separating with the intent to divorce. They request privacy during this difficult time, eh?

The Bachelorette from Season 19, Gabby Windey, announced she’s dating a woman. “Now do you believe me?” said a butt-hurt bachelor who never got a rose from her.

New York Yankees Domingo German, who threw a perfect game in June, has left the team to enter an alcohol treatment program. German threw five scoreless innings in his last appearance, before calling for a relief pitcher of Modelo.

WWE Executive Chairman Vince McMahon was subpeonaed as part of a sexual misconduct investigation, where multiple WWE employees accuse McMahon of pressing into them with his turnbuckle.

A Louisiana woman is suing the makers of weight loss drugs Ozempic and Mounjaro, saying she suffered from “severe vomiting, stomach pain and tooth loss”. Although her friends say she looks better than ever.

An OnlyFans model is being criticized for wearing a skimpy outfit with no underwear to a movie theater. The following week, she said she was seeing a doctor for treatment of a popcorn infection.

Tom Brady is now part-owner of Birmingham City Football Club. Brady then treated himself to a visit at Orchids of Asia’s Birmingham location.

Mark Zuckerberg shared a text exchange with partner Priscilla Chan after he installed a wrestling octagon in their backyard. Chan angrily said “I’ve been working on that grass for two years”….a claim disputed by the billionaire couple’s groundskeeper.

An overturned tractor-trailer spilled thousands of lemons on to Route 17 in Bergen County, New Jersey. When life gave them lemons, the truck operator and another driver made trips to an area hospital.

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Claudia Ochoa Felix, a curvy brunette resembling Kim Kardashian and rumored head of the armed enforcement wing of the Sinaloa drug cartel, died over the weekend. Telemundo scrapped a reality show they were planning with Ochoa Felix, “Keeping Up With The Heroin Smugglers”.

An American Airlines mechanic accused of sabotaging a jet to collect overtime repairing it may have ties to terrorist groups, said investigators who noticed he got his degree from ITT Tech in Afghanistan.

  • American Airlines said they’re looking into it, and the only terrorists they know of working for the airline are bitter old flight attendants terrorizing passengers.

United Airlines said it’s changing the rules for pilot drinking. Pilots will need to stop drinking 12 hours before takeoff; the old rule said they need to stop 12 minutes before they land.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admitted to wearing brownface in 2001 as part of an Aladdin costume. Trudeau said he was sorry, and that he remembered the evening for receiving the Worst Aladdin Costume award.

Instagram is restricting posts touting weight loss products and cosmetic procedures targeted at users under age 18, in what’s being called a major breakthrough in visibility for everyone over 50 on Instagram.

India banned vaping, citing government studies that it’s even more unhealthy than breathing outdoors in New Delhi.

The 2-0 Buffalo Bills have hired 600 police and security officials to curb rowdy fan behavior at their home opener. It’s the biggest police presence in Buffalo since their Super Bowl appearances, but those cops were always sent home at halftime.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Raekwon McMillAan said that, following a legal hit on Tom Brady in last Sunday’s game, he was told by a referee to “stay off Tom”. The ref was identified only as “Gisele”.

Amazon will now let you donate to presidential candidates using Alexa. “Okay stupid” said Alexa in response to an Amy Klobuchar donation.

A Rhode Island woman used a numbing agent for a toothache, then discovered it had turned her blood blue. Doctors are mystified, but the blue blood got her in to three exclusive country clubs.

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Apple unveiled its latest round of new emoji, including a breastfeeding mom and a woman in a headscarf. Mike Pence’s wife Karen immediately took away his iPhone.

  • Other additions include a “mind blown” face, and a face spewing green vomit, part of the “Make America Great Again” emoji bundle.

This week is “Made In America” week as declared by President Trump, with all states sending items to The White House that were made in that state. Georgia sent food from Chick Fil A, and Arizona sent golf clubs from PING Golf – at which point the President told all the remaining states not to bother.

  • New York and the District of Columbia sent their latest creations – fact-based stories from the New York Times and Washington Post about Trump & Russia.

Over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau met a 2 month old baby, born to Syrian refugees living in Canada, named Justin-Trudeau Adam Bilau, as he attended a rodeo in Calgary. Meanwhile last June, Donald Trump met a 39 year old baby named Donald Trump Jr, born to one of his ex-wives, right after he conferenced with Russian operatives in New York.

President Trump’s overall job approval rating dropped to 38%, the lowest of any President six months in to his term recorded in the last hundred years. Trump criticized the poll and said he was waiting for Nielsen ratings.

Subway announced they’re looking to freshen up the appearance of their stores to help halt declining sales. Subway’s CEO said that they require franchisees to update their facilities every 7 to 10 years, and update their meat & rolls every 10 to 15 years.

O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing is scheduled for this Thursday. If granted, O.J. is eligible for release on October 1st, and available for cameos in Adam Sandler movies on October 2nd.

A stunt man fell to his death on the set of The Walking Dead. He was recast an hour later as an extra.

Honda released its newly-redesigned 2018 Honda Accord sedan. “Cool!” said your Dad.

A million dollars worth of marijuana was found in spare tire compartments of Ford Fusions assembled in Mexico. The DEA is investigating, but meanwhile Ford is reporting record sales of the Fusion Special El Chapo Edition.

Ed Sheeran made a cameo appearance on the season premiere of Game of Thrones, playing a soldier leading other soldiers in a singalong…until a guy came along and changed the station to a different group of soldiers.