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Walmart agreed to pay $45 million as part of a class action settlement after admitting to overcharging for weighted produce and bags of fruit. This will be a huge payday for the 6 customers who actually bought nutritious food at Walmart.

Donald Trump said he would not support a nationwide abortion ban, saying abortion decisions should be left up to the states, and to women he pays to get them.

A Southwest Airlines-operated Boeing jet made an emergency landing after the cover ripped off an engine during takeoff. Now that doors, tires, fuel, and engine covers have fallen off of airborne Boeing jets, a spokesperson said aircraft safety has officially dropped from their Top Priority to Fifth or Sixth.

The Vatican condemned gender-transition surgery, saying the talent pool of cute altar boys is shallow enough already.

Country music superstar Jelly Roll won three times at the CMT Music Awards in Austin, Texas. Less-popular country singer Vegan Roll was shut out.

U.S. lawmakers unveiled bipartisan legislation to give all Americans a basic right to digital privacy – that they’ll promptly waive because there’s no way they’re giving up Instagram & Tik Tok.

Lebron James son Bronny, a University of Southern California freshman basketball player, will enter the NBA Draft and the NCAA transfer portal. Bronny averaged 4.8 points per game, and an average GPA of Incomplete.

Maryland’s Governor Wes Moore said some shipping channels around the collapsed Key Bridge in Baltimore harbor have reopened after debris removal ‘equal to the weight of the Statue of Liberty’. “Great, now everyone thinks I’m fat” said Lady Liberty.

140 guests attended the wedding of former CNN Anchor Don Lemon and his partner. It was the first time many of them were invited to a Lemon Party.

In honor of the solar eclipse, Krispy Kreme is offering the Total Solar Eclipse donut – a glazed donut dipped in chocolate and topped with buttercream and an Oreo. They say the temporary diabetic coma from eating it is just like a full-blackout eclipse.

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Homeland Security raided the homes of music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as part of an alleged sex trafficking investigation. No further details were given, but the Feds are calling this a Biggie.

Combs’ houses in Miami & Los Angeles were raided, so let it be known Diddy was doing his part bring both East Coast & West Coast rappers together.

The grandmother of two of the ‘Little Rascals’ robbers – aged 11 & 12 – who held up a Wells Fargo Bank in Houston said the teller gave them play money. Nonetheless, the two boys were apprehended at a playground as they ‘made it rain’ while young girls danced on the monkey bars.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce reportedly shut down a Los Angeles gym for a two-hour private workout while members waited and watched outside. As they left, women shouted at Taylor for autographs, and men shouted corrections to her lifting form.

Krispy Kreme is expanding its partnership with McDonald’s and will be sold at all locations by the end of 2026. Customers ordering a Quarter Pounder will be asked if they want the burger or a really big doughnut.

A court lowered Donald Trump’s bond requirement to appeal his financial fraud judgment from $454 million to $175 million, and gave him 10 days to come up with the money. Trump then invited friends from North Korea, Russia & China to Mar a Lago for a Classified Documents Garage Sale.

A container ship struck and collapsed the Francis Scott Key Bridge outside of Baltimore. Viral video showed the action between 1 and 2 a.m., and gave proof through the night that the bridge was not there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a pacemaker. His blood is so heavy, his heart needed help pumping all the iron.

The U.S. Justice Department sued Apple, saying its market share of iPhones is a practical monopoly. Apple plans to drop a countersuit, then pay a fortune to fix the cracks in it.

Former NFL star Eric Decker – husband of viral singer/celebrity Jessie James Decker – announced he’d had a vasectomy after fathering four children. Future babies are not expected to make this latest round of cuts.

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Krispy Kreme is giving a free glazed doughnut per day to anyone showing a COVID-19 vaccination card. They say the offer is only for people getting a COVID-19 vaccine, and is not valid for insulin shots.

The Supreme Court agreed to hear a Massachusetts request to reinstate Boston Marathon bomber Dzokhar Tsarnaev’s death sentence, with a spokesperson for the Court adding “this oughta be a quick one”.

20,000 Buddhists gathered via Zoom to celebrate Makha Bucha Day, one of their holiest days, where they celebrate principles like the quest for enlightenment, and the quest to figure out Zoom.

A new Microsoft study finds Generation Z workers think remote work makes them miss out on career growth from being around people in an office. The study researched 200 remote workers that Microsoft just fired.

Buckingham Palace is considering hiring a ‘Diversity Czar’, to help the Royal Family and their employees display empathy and foster understanding toward all shades of white people.

The NASA Mars Perseverance Rover shared a first look at partner vehicle, the Ingenuity Helicopter. A martian climbed out of the helicopter but stood up too soon and lost its head.

A top Fox Network executive died of COVID-19 complications. “We can’t believe it” said Fox News employees, meaning the coronavirus.

A ton of frozen pasta is being recalled because it was never inspected. Officials say you should return or throw out any products from Chef BoyarDisease.

Former Missouri Governor Eric Greitens, who resigned following a scandal where he blackmailed a hairdresser with nude photos, is running for the Senate. He said he’s the right guy to represent the Show Me..Yours state.

Women are more likely than men to have skipped healthcare visits during the pandemic, according to a study of men who have heard all about it.

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Fitbit introduced a new $330 smartwatch – designed to be the most expensive thing you leave on top of your dresser.

Nikki Haley addressed the Republican National Convention, saying “black lives are valuable” – referencing the handful who might actually vote for Trump.

McDonald’s is introducing Spicy Chicken McNuggets – the first new McNuggets flavor since they were introduced in 1983. They’ll be made with cayenne peppers, chili peppers, and possibly chicken.

A group of Krispy Kreme employees glazed a donut 25 times just to see what would happen. What happened was the donut was too heavy to be held in a paper bag, and every customer watching them demanded a dozen.

KFC has dropped its “finger lickin’ good” slogan amidst the global pandemic, as though it’s COVID-19 making customers sick and not the food.

Singapore’s waterfront is home to the world’s first floating Apple store. It’s also home to the first shoplifting ring that offers swim lessons.

The cartoon frog that appears in Google weather forecasts now wears a face mask. He’s been dropping some weight so now he also carries a fly swatter.

A bride & groom who canceled their wedding reception due to COVID-19 donated the unused food to a homeless shelter. However, shelter residents were annoyed at not getting their food until they did the electric slide.

Ole Miss – University of Mississippi football – announced their plans to limit in-person attendance to 25% of capacity at football games. They’ll only give tickets to Mississippians with a full set of teeth.

Women on TikTok are encouraging men to wear ‘short shorts’ with a 5-inch inseam. They claim it shows off men’s legs and makes them appear taller; it also makes it easier to tell who has a penis longer than 5 inches.