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Costco will ration meat purchases – each shopper is limited to two 50-packs of steaks.

An estimated 1 in 5 Wendy’s restaurants have taken burgers off the menu, leading to more customers asking Where’s The Beef? than in 1984.

  • The shortage is so bad, The Baconator said “I have no son.”

A shopper wore a Ku Klux Klan hood to a grocery store. He figured since it was Whole Foods it was probably okay.

Elon Musk wondered if a Mario Kart-type game could be launched on Tesla video screens so people could play while behind the wheel. The National Highway Traffic Safety Association condemned it, saying it would lead to countless banana-peel related deaths.

People are wondering how to pronounce the name – ‘X AE A-12’  – of Musk’s new baby with singer Grimes. So for now they’re just saying L’il Douche.

Kylie Jenner bought a vacant lot in Hidden Hills, California for $15 million. It’s the second-most valuable vacant lot in the state, next to the one in her skull.

A 5-year-old Utah boy driving an SUV was pulled over, and told cops he was headed to California to buy a Lamborghini. The boy’s name was withheld, but said his occuupation was “aspiring rapper”.

J. Crew declared bankruptcy, then declared “it’s Madras shorts season!”

A new study in journal Nature Communications claims there’s evidence of ancient rivers on Mars. The evidence is topless Martians in inner tubes drinking Miller Lite.

The Scripps Research Institute and Stanford Medicine are analyzing Fitbit data to predict coronavirus outbreaks. They say early stage illness is predicted by elevated heart rates, and later-stage illness is predicted by no heart rate.

 

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Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos’ $38 billion divorce settlement is almost complete, according to a lawyer at a Lamborghini dealership.

New York City began enforcement of its styrofoam ban. Emergency rooms were overflowing with burn and ulcer victims as Dunkin started pouring coffee directly into customers’ mouths.

According to a new study, one in five Americans say they’ve been hurt by someone else’s drinking. Four out of five really appreciate having that wingman.

House Democrats are calling for the investigation of a Secret Facebook group where Border Patrol agents make jokes about migrant deaths and post vulgar images of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The group is launching their own investigation as to who wrecked the secret.

United Airlines apologized for putting a 14-year-old on the wrong international flight from Newark to Europe. They were able to get the teen on the correct flight, and compensated him with someone’s puppy they found in the cargo hold.

USA Today surveyed readers to find out the 25 most popular things they bought in the month of June. Not making the list? – USA Today.

Barnes & Noble opened a new store in Wilmington, Delaware. The new location is designed to be more customer-friendly, so they’ve widened the spaces between shelves to give drug addicts and vagrants more room to lie down.

Tom Brady posted an Instagram video of him cursing after hitting an errant tee shot while golfing, captioned with “when you forget the kids are in the cart”. Brady’s sons laughed, then got back to learning how to cheat at golf.

Walmart is using virtual reality headsets to test middle-management job candidates’ skills. So far, the virtual reality that elicits the best candidate response is the one where they work someplace other than Walmart.

A Bankrate.com study finds over 50% of Americans are losing sleep worrying about money – and are even more pissed off their Fitbits keep telling them they need more sleep.

University researchers in Mexico have created a form of biodegradeable plastic from the juice of the prickly pear cactus. Great news if you care about the environment and don’t mind slicing your lip open drinking bottled water.