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Subway sandwich shops may be selling fake tuna fish, after a testing lab could not confirm the species of fish being sold as tuna. Apparently, tuna are just like millions of sandwich-loving Americans who wouldn’t be caught dead inside Subway.

White House First Dog Champ Biden passed away over the weekend. Surviving First Dog, Major Biden, asked for privacy during this difficult time so he could lick his own testicles.

Father of Kourtney Kardashian’s three children and legendary douche Scott Disick appeared on the Keeping Up With the Kardashians Reunion to answer why, at age 38, he’s dating a 20-year-old. Said Disick “because I can”.

Sprinter Usain Bolt and girlfriend Kasi Bennett welcomed twins, Saint and Thunder, who join older sibling Olympia Lightning. Usain & Kasi are unsure whether they’ll have more kids, or whether Bolt will disable his nuts.

Laurel Hubbard, a 43-year-old transgender female, will compete on New Zealand’s Olympic weightlifting team in Tokyo. Hubbard, who transitioned in 2013, wants to prove something to everyone who thought she didn’t have the balls.

Amazon kicked off its annual Prime Days sale. Competitors are creating their own online shopping events, with Target launching Deal Days, and Walmart holding their Hooray You Don’t Have To Actually Set Foot In Walmart sale.

The Supreme Court ruled against the NCAA, opening the door for student-athletes to receive “education-related compensation”. Football & basketball coaches immediately started interviewing academic tutors who are also exotic dancers.

American Airlines is reportedly cancelling flights because of a labor shortage. They say additional workers are needed. or else passengers will wait up to three hours for checked bags instead of the traditional 90 minutes.

Sesame Street introduced a gay couple for the first time. “Introduced? We’ve been here 40 goddamned years!” said Bert & Ernie.

Protesters at the Palm Springs unveiling of a 26-foot-tall statue of Marilyn Monroe, claimed it’s exploitative because it shows Monroe’s underwear, recreating a scene from The Seven-Year Itch. They also claim it’s unnecessary to have a statue of John F. Kennedy next to it, staring up her skirt.

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Three professors at the University of South Alabama were suspended after photos showed them posing with a noose, a whip, and wearing a Confederate Army uniform. However, it’s still the only college in the U.S. where you can declare Racism as a major.

Britain’s Royal Family said they are ‘saddened’ by the revelations of mistreatment shared in Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s interview. Nonetheless, they will struggle to carry on by sheer will and with their immense material & monetary fortunes.

Good Morning Britain‘s Piers Morgan stormed off the set and subsequently quit the show after an argument with a co-host about Meghan Markle’s allegations of racism. It was a long walk-off and shortened Piers career.

‘Dog Whisperer’ Cesar Millan offered to work with the Bidens and White House personnel to return their dogs Major & Champ, following a ‘biting incident’ with Major. First Millan has to pass security clearance by having Major sniff his butt.

Miami Heat player Meyers Leonard was placed on indefinite leave for using an anti-Semitic slur during a videogame livestream. A spokesperson for the NBA said it was a nice change of pace to deal with a different kind of racism.

A snake breeder accidentally created a python that appears to have smiley-face emojis on its skin. He sold the snake for $6,000 to someone who would’ve paid $12,000 if they were poop emojis.

Actress Jennifer Garner said on a podcast she’s “proud to look like a woman who’s had three babies”. Meanwhile, ex-husband Ben Affleck said he’s still after the right woman who looks like she hasn’t had any.

The United States will purchase 100 million more doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine, using CVS Extra Care reward bucks they got for the ones they already bought.

Viewers of ‘Jeopardy!’ give guest host Katie Couric mixed reviews on social media, with some criticizing her monotone delivery, others calling her presence comforting, and Matt Lauer saying he doesn’t think he’d have sex with her.

HuffPost employees were given a password spr!ngisH3r3 to enter a virtual meeting, where 47 of them found out they were being terminated. They then received another password urs3v3r3ncep@ckagesux to their virtual exit interview.

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Nestle is recalling some pepperoni Hot Pockets because they may contain hard plastic and glass. The contamination was noticed by factory workers, but not a single person eating pepperoni Hot Pockets.

Fiat Chrysler merged with Peugeot to form the 4th-largest global automaker, Stellantis. Get ready to say “my Stellantis broke down”.

In advance of Inauguration Day, Los Angeles Police fortified security at the L.A. Zoo, fearing rioters could break in and wreak havoc by releasing animals. That, and a dozen baboons have been spotted in MAGA hats.

Legendary music producer Phil Spector died in prison; he hit the Wall Of No Sound.

Los Angeles County became the first in the nation to reach 1 million COVID-19 cases. They were on track to hit it a week ago, but traffic to the testing sites was terrible.

The FBI is investigating a report that January 6th D.C. rioters stole a laptop and plan to sell it to Russia. So far, Russians told the FBI they turned it down because they’re grossed out by Ted Cruz’s porn collection.

Donald Trump may issue 100 pardons on his final day in office. Every pardon comes with a Presidential Medal of Freedom, a ‘Be Best’ t-shirt, and the recipient’s choice of monthly auto-pay from checking or credit card.

Parler is back online. “Ok, where were we?…oh, right, violent domestic terrorism” said a group moderator.

Actors union SAG-AFTRA may stop production on Scott Baio/Kristy Swanson movie ‘Courting Mom & Dad’ for violating COVID-19 filming rules. Producers have already warned the film’s release to a bin at Walgreens checkout may be delayed.

German shepherd ‘Major’ Biden was celebrated at his InDogUration, celebrating his upcoming White House appointment as First Dog. He succeeds Tiffany Trump.