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Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.

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A U.S. man vacationing in Australia survived multiple injuries after falling from a hang glider ride;  he’d hung on for 4 minutes after the pilot forgot to strap him in. The pilot defended himself, saying he’d turned on the fasten seat belt sign. 

Republican Cindy Hyde-Smith won the Mississippi run-off election for the state’s second U.S. Senate seat, despite making racially charged comments about public hangings and Confederate history. Declaring victory, she told supporters “the South shall rise again.”

He Jankui, the Chinese scientist who stunned the world by claiming he created the first gene-edited babies defended his actions, saying he did so to prevent them from contracting HIV…and to make them taller…and hot. 

Bruce Springsteen revealed in an Esquire interview that he struggles with mental health issues. He stated there was period of time in his songwriting when his depression completely shut down his ability to compare women to automobile engines. 

Pierce Brosnan reunited with his three on-screen stepchildren – Mara Wilson; Lisa Jakub; and Matthew Lawrence – to commemorate the 25th anniversary of Mrs. Doubtfire. They took pictures together, then visited Mrs. Doubtfire’s two graves. 

During a friendly round of golf with his son and fellow pro Fred Couples, Tiger Woods sunk his first actual hole-in-one in 20 years. Woods said it was good to see a real one, since he’s used to seeing “hole-in-one” next to his name in about 100 sex puns a week. 

Former Facebook manager Mark Luckie made public a memo he’d written to top execs accompanying his resignation. Luckie, who is black, cited the lack of black representation at Facebook. He said 3 other people resigned for the same reason,  putting Facebook’s black workforce at 2. 

Former FBI director James Comey said that new Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker is “not the sharpest knife in our drawer.” Whitaker replied, asking what Comey meant. 

According to parenting website Baby Center, Sophia and Jackson are the most popular girl, and boy, baby names for the sixth consecutive year. However, gay and hipster couples who dislike traditional gender identifications have made Teebeedee increasingly popular. 

Wearable fitness trackers from Apple, Fitbit & Garmin may soon transmit warnings to users based on irregular heart rate patterns. Messages could range from ‘high beats per minute’ to ‘see a doctor’ to ‘nice knowing you’.