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A Southwest Airlines jet is being investigated for taking off from a closed runway at Portland Airport. Meanwhile, a Spirit Airlines jet is being investigated after taking off from a dirt road in rural Alabama after picking up their last passenger at home.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft remains stuck at the International Space Station, with no definitive date for return. According to the Starliner crew, the guy ordered the parts but shipping takes, like, forever.

Steve Bannon’s final appeal for contempt of Congress failed and he must report to prison. Other prisoners looking at his belly realized they’ll need at least an 8-inch shank if it’s going to make a difference.

Uno and other board games are being modified so that colorblind people can enjoy them – taking away the last good excuse colorblind people had for saying “no thanks” to playing Uno on Thanksgiving and watching the football game.

Democrats are evalutating whether or not Joe Biden should drop out of the Presidential Race after his poor debate performance. Especially considering that his next faceoff with Donald Trump is a Presidential Big Mac Eating Contest.

WNBA Phoenix Mercury stars Diana Taurasi and Britney Griner were praised for taking a brief pregame moment to shake hands and speak with new Indiana Fever star Caitlin Clark. Griner took an extra couple of seconds to repeat her cell phone number.

A new business trend is ‘fractional hiring’ – where businesses hire professionals possessing specific expertise on a part-time or contract basis. Those fractional hires then totally fire the more expensive full-time employees.

Walt Disney World reopened the Rock n’ Roller Coaster after a six-month refurbishment. It received a rave review from the guy and his kid who’ve been standing in line waiting to ride it since late January.

An anti-aging drug, rapamycin, has reportedly been proven to extend the life of mice in lab trials – so that the mice can go on to participate in other lab trials that will certainly shorten their life.

New York Police made multiple arrests when brawls broke out in the city’s Washington Square Park following the June 30th Pride Parade. Cops left the riot gear in their van after witnessing some of the softest punches ever thrown.

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Restaurant chain Founding Farmers is being dragged for adding a 5% “wellness charge” to customer bills to subsidize employees paid vacation & health care. Meanwhile Waffle House quietly added a 5% “illness charge” to pay for customer trips to the emergency room.

A rabid raccoon attacked a student on the Princeton University campus. The raccoon remains at large, but is expected to show up for finals if it wants to keep its scholarship.

A woman who appears to be pregnant has been spotted on several doorbell cameras stealing packages in the Philadelphia suburbs. That, or she stole a basketball and forgot to put it in her trunk.

McDonald’s announced plans to open 10,000 new restaurants. Although bulls say they’re going to have a hard time making enough new cows.

Diabetes & weight-loss drunk Ozempic could be used to treat alcohol abuse. Doctors are hoping they have a new weapon to treat two-thirds of fat, drunk & stupid.

A new study links wasabi to ‘substantial’ boosts in memory – and to the introduction of new Flamin’ Hot Prevagen.

A woman who threw a hot burrito bowl in the face of a Chipotle worker was sentenced to 30 days in jail and 60 days working a fast food job. Ironically, her job in jail pays better.

The final Republican Presidential Debate was held last night, with most observers saying Nikki Haley finished first – and Chris Christie last – in the all-important Swimsuit Competition.

Ken Hudson Campbell – who portrayed a local Santa in the original ‘Home Alone‘ – is the beneficiary of a GoFundMe to pay for his cancer surgery. He’s also kind of pissed that the owner of Duncan’s Toy Chest only gives money to children’s charities.

Daddy Yankee, rapper and King Of Reggaeton, announced he’s retiring from music to devote his life to Christ, and attend churchaton.

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The Bay County, Florida sheriff say he is “beyond frustrated” that nine people ignoring rip current/no swimming warnings drowned at Panama City Beach just this month. However, local sharks say they’re “beyond delighted”.

Nadya Suleman – aka Octomom – posted selfies showing off her shredded gym body, 14 years after octuplets shredded her delivery room body.

The United States Postal Service is raising the price of Forever stamps from 63 cents to 66 cents starting July 9th. They also announced Forever stamps no longer mean they’ll always be good, they mean your letter will take Forever to reach its recipient.

Ryan Seacrest will succeed Pat Sajak as host of ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ – dropping Levar Burton to 0-and-2.

Ticket sales for superhero movie ‘The Flash’ dropped by 73% in its second week of release. “That was fast” said producers losing their shirts.

Los Angeles Angels phenom Shohei Otani struck out 10 batters and hit two home runs before leaving the game against the Chicago White Sox with a cracked nail on his pitching hand. Several groupies offered their nails as a replacement, but they were two inches too long.

South Korea adopted the global standard for age counting – zero at birth, one year added each birthday – meaning thousands of Koreans are a year younger on paper. Mississippians purchasing child brides are thrilled to be getting 12-year-olds for the price of a teenager.

United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby blasted the FAA for their decision to cancel hundreds of flights due to storms across the U.S., leading to days-long delays for passengers. Nonetheless, Kirby said flight attendants are using the free time to train for inevitable in-flight fistfights with frustrated passengers.

A McDonald’s customer in Ohio found a nose ring in her Quarter Pounder, covered in what she hopes is cheese.

The first photos emerged of wreckage retrieved from the imploded OceanGate Titan submersible. Pieces will be examined for clues as to what happened, then given to the Smithsonian for their upcoming “They Ain’t All Great Ideas” exhibit.

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A female gibbon gave birth despite being isolated in her cage at a Japanese zoo for two years. The gibbon is expected to start a lucrative consulting business for family-minded lesbians.

The U.S. shot down more unidentified objects in North American airspace following last week’s takedown of a Chinese spy balloon. In other news, the pilot of the Goodyear blimp hasn’t been seen in over a week.

The state of Kentucky saw its first-ever infant dropped off at a fire station “baby box” after legislation passed permitting the legal surrender of children in this manner. The parents then returned the next morning after having a great evening out.

An online think tank is warning of Spamouflage – a Chinese online propaganda operation where ‘deepfake’ news anchors spread misinformation about the U.S.. However, they say no threat is posed by human meteorologists on local newscasts with deepfake breasts.

The Federal Trade Commission is seeking to ban non-compete clauses, which they say prevent 30 million Americans from finding new jobs. Though the FTC tells parents their child is lying when they say a non-compete clause is keeping them from a McDonald’s job after getting fired at Burger King.

A woman was stopped after attempting to steal a child from a shopping cart at a Colorado Walmart. Employees apprehended her, then forced her to scan the baby in the self-checkout lane.

Google Maps plans a big upgrade to introduce Immersive View – which merges Street View and aerial images, creating immersive 3D environments you can look at right before your drive into a guard rail.

The catalytic converter was stolen off the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile in Las Vegas. It’s unclear if the thieves will get fair value for it if it was exposed to nitrites, relish, and mustard.

Megan Fox no longer follows Machine Gun Kelly on Instagam, sparking rumors that she’s split with the singer, after being split by him for over a year.

Following her Super Bowl halftime show, Rihanna’s rep confirmed she’s pregnant with a second child. The NFL & Apple announced next year’s halftime performer will be her baby, who’s expected to have more complicated dance moves.