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Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

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The latest Fast & Furious film, ‘F9’, is being delayed from Memorial Day weekend until the end of June, as Fast & Furious producers play it Slow & Rational.

Justice Amy Coney Barrett issued her first majority opinion for the Supreme Court, once she copied it from Clarence Thomas’ handwriting.

Martin Cooper, acknowledged as the inventor of the cellphone in 1973, says the current ‘digital divide’, with 40% of students unable to afford broadband, is unacceptable. “Whatever, grandpa” said poor students.

Nine great apes at the San Diego Zoo were given an experimental COVID-19 vaccine after an outbreak, while apes not getting vaccines wondered what made the nine so great.

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan turned down an allocation of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccines, saying the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines are better, and besides it’s never been difficult to get shot in Detroit.

Tessica Brown, the ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ who had glue surgically removed from her hair & scalp, had two lumps in her breasts examined, but they were benign. The most difficult part of the exam was ungluing the push-up bra from her chest.

A Tom Brady rookie card sold for $1.32 million – though Brady tried to have the value deflated a little.

The creative team making ‘Space Jam 2’ redrew the Lola Bunny character to make her less sexualized and more strong, with smaller breasts and longer shorts. A disappointed Bugs Bunny then dumped her and is dating Petunia Pig.

Roughly 30,000 Apple Mac computers are infected with ‘Red Sparrow’ malware. It’s unknown what the malware’s full purpose is, but Apple programmers knew it wasn’t theirs because it loaded in under a half-hour.

Off-price retailer Burlington – formerly Burlington Coat Factory – plans to double its 750 locations despite the pandemic. They say their low-income customer base wants more clothes that make them look & feel like they’re still in 2015.

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Organizers announced Saturday’s Million MAGA March in Washington DC to support Donald Trump. Area managers are bracing for mile-long lines of buses at DC-area McDonald’s drive-thrus.

Johnny Depp resigned from his role as Grindelwald in the Fantastic Beasts film series. He’ll pocket several million dollars and start work in the new Abusive Beasts movies.

An Egyptian man holding a small fish in his teeth was rushed to an emergency room after the fish jumped in his mouth and lodged in his throat. Doctors were able to remove it, but only after waiting two hours danging worms on his lips.

A male contestant on The Bachelorette tested positive for COVID-19. He’s quarantining until the coronavirus is neutralized by gonorrhea.

A man claiming to have some of Charles Manson’s cremation ashes had them used in a $500 face tattoo. No word on why he went with a dolphin jumping over a rainbow.

A new study finds 1 in 5 COVID-19 patients develop mental illness within 90 days. The study followed four teenagers and Donald Trump.

The White House issued a statement in observance of Veterans Day, reminding Americans that today is for active duty vets – and that Suckers & Losers Day is in late May.

Georgia will conduct a full by-hand recount of all votes. The Secretary of State said that this will instill confidence when they’re done in 2022.

Chipotle opened its first digital-only restaurant, now that they’ve figured out how to digitize food borne illness.

Oprah’s Favorite Things arrived on Amazon. The only one of her Favorite Things that Amazon didn’t list is actually getting sh!t delivered in two days.