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Donald Trump was indicted on seven counts related to illegal handling of classified documents. Despite the pending legal action, Trump will still make public appearances, including June 12th for Grimace’s Birthday at McDonald’s.

According to a Harvard study, asking other people for advice makes you appear smarter – unless you’re asking other people the best way to learn how to read.

As air quality worsened in the Eastern U.S. due to Canadian wildfires, some cities opened ‘smoke shelters’. While these shelters did allow homeless people to breathe cleaner air, many were confused because they thought they could bum Marlboros.

Mitchell Taebel, 33, of Indiana was charged with stalking and trying to meet Taylor Swift on her Eras Tour. Taebel traveled to Nashville and attempted to enter Swift’s condominium there, which he said was a lot cheaper than actually buying concert tickets.

Retired porn actress Jenna Jameson married girlfriend Jessi Lawless. Jameson said that, in the past, she only had relationships with men because she wanted children, or because the direcxtor shouted “Action!”.

Google is now requiring employees to work three days per week in corporate offices, and office attendance is part of performance reviews. “Meets expectations” has been replaced by “shows up”.

A CNN meteorologist used a match to demonstrate how quickly smoke impacts air quality. It’s believed to be the first time CNN broadcast from a stall in the men’s room.

U.S. Intelligence agencies claim Russia is building a drone factory with Iran’s help. They believe the drones could be used for lethal attacks on Ukraine, and to make Amazon deliveries easier to Moscow and Tehran.

New York officials are considering postponing the Belmont Stakes due to air quality. Horses say if they can stand the air in their stalls, they’re fine with the air on the track.

A Columbia University study claims taurine – active ingredient in most energy drinks – could slow aging and extend healthy lifestyles. Red Bull is now sponsoring all-night raves at retirement homes.

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NASA’s Ingenuity helicopter flew for 40 seconds in the thin atmosphere of Mars. They’re planning longer flights, just as soon as the Perseverance rover finishes painting a big ‘H’ on the ground.

Patrick Marleau of the NHL’s San Jose Sharks broke Gordie Howe’s league record for the most games played, and was presented with a new set of teeth.

Rocker Ted Nugent contracted COVID-19, or, as he calls it, Bat Scratch Fever.

Police in Texas say the driver’s seat was unoccupied when a Tesla vehicle slammed into a tree, killing two passengers. Unfortunately, the car was texting.

Former Fox News commentator Kimberly Guilfoyle joined the Senate campaign of disgraced former Missouri Gov. Eric Greitens. Guilfoyle said when she heard Greitens threatened blackmail against his hair stylist with nude photos, he was her kind of guy.

Reddit unveiled its Clubhouse app clone for group voice chats, called Reddit Talk. Now Redditors can hear multiple white supremacists & misogynists talk at once.

A 21-year-old was diagnosed with acute heart failure resulting from a habit of consuming four 16-ounce cans of Red Bull every day for several years. Surprisingly, he was still able to run to the hospital really quickly.

A backcountry guide in Yellowstone National Park was mauled to death by a grizzly bear, that apparently didn’t like taking directions.

Venmo announced it will allow transactions using cryptocurrency, so now you can forget to pay back the money you owe friends with Doge or Bitcoin.

Kourtney Kardashian posted a pic of her unbuttoned jeans & panties adorned with the word ‘Oui’ on Instagram, along with a poll “Rough sex? Love it or Leave it?” She promised to post the results as soon as her three kids, ages 11, 8 & 6, count the votes.

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Interpol issued an arrest warrant for 38-year-old Vorayuth Yoovidhya – heir to the Red Bull fortune – on charges of killing a police officer with his car in 2012. Yoovidhya is considered a flight risk, since he has wings.

White House officials say Donald Trump could be released from the hospital as early as today, then embalmed as early as tomorrow.

A nuclear fusion reactor – one that spits out more energy than it consumes – could be ready by 2025. Women don’t know whether to put it under the hood of their minivan or marry it.

‘Saturday Night Live’ posted its highest season-premiere ratings in four years, as more Americans than usual fell asleep with the television tuned to NBC.

Regal Cinemas announced they’ll be closing hundreds of theaters, since the new James Bond movie delay gives them no new content to show. “Do you expect us to reopen? No, we expect to die.” said Regal’s CEO.

A new study from the journal Astrobiology claims that some planets may be better for human life than Earth. “How soon can we get there?” asked everybody.

The Supreme Court began its first session since the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Without the octogenarian justice present, they were able to lower the courtroom temperature below 85 degrees.

Three doctors were awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine for their discovery of the Hepatitis C virus. They’ll share the award with Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, who gave them the samples.

Tropical Storm Delta became the 25th named storm of the 2020 hurricane season, narrowly edging out ‘Dakota’.

Gay men are taking over the #ProudBoys hashtag on social media, sharing photos of kissing and affection. Members of the Proud Boys are angry, and more than a little excited.

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A Florida man was arrested for DUI after he pulled up to a drive-thru at a bank and ordered a burrito. Meanwhile a different man pulled up to a Taco Bell and asked for cash. The clerk asked if he was drunk, and the driver said no, it was a goddamned robbery and to give him the money.

Actress Ruby Rose underwent successful surgery to correct a spinal condition. Though doctors said for now she can expect the incision to remain Ruby Red.

Monster has passed Red Bull to become the most popular energy drink in the U.S. Monster has 43% domestic market share, meaning 43 cans are found next to every 100 under-40 heart attack victims.

WhatsApp launched its new business messaging tool, I’mNotHere.

Amazon is planning a 20% rate increase for month-to-month Prime memberships, citing increased health care costs for drones injured on the job.

Porn star Stormy Daniels allegedly spanked Donald Trump with a copy of Forbes magazine featuring his photo on the cover, since Trump’s first choice – a copy of Teen Vogue with Ivanka Trump on the cover – was still too sticky.

Actor Michael Douglas has been accused of sexual harassment. The claims date back to a time when Douglas was actually physically capable of it.

  • No word on how this will affect Douglas’ role in the upcoming Ant Man 2; although producers are exploring a title change to Ant Man: Me 2.

A 19-year-old New Jersey woman was expelled from the University of Alabama for posting a YouTube video where she repeatedly used the n-word. “That’s not right; it’s our word”, said white Alabamians.

Porn production company Naughty America said that it’s working on a new augmented reality product featuring three-dimensional women that doesn’t involve pornography. No more details were shared, although the company recently trademarked the name Clean My Bathroom America.

Prosecutors in Bill Cosby’s sexual assault retrial want jurors to hear from 20 of his accusers this time, not just two, claiming that it was difficult for just two women to form a band to perform a song about why rape is bad.

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An expert in the field of concussions called the NFL Concussion Protocol “a fraud” after Indianapolis Colts QB Jacoby Brissett was allowed to remain in the game after a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Brissett was examined in a private sideline tent by an NFL doctor, who asked him to cough.

Children waiting to see Santa at Minnesota’s Mall Of America witnessed several stabbing victims in what officials called a botched robbery at a nearby Macy’s. When they made it to Santa’s lap, those children vowed to be really, really nice.

Bill Gates pledged $100 Million to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. Most of the money will go to research, with the rest used to buy thousands of lucky seniors a new brain.

Russian base jumper Valery Rozov died during an attempted 22,000 foot jump in the Himalayas, part of his heretofore successful quest to jump off the highest mountain on each continent. Rozov was mourned in a statement by his sponsor, Red Bull, who said they wished the drink had given him better wings.

President Trump asked his Chinese counterpart, Li Xinping, to help quickly resolve the case of 3 visiting UCLA basketball players caught shoplifting sunglasses during their team visit to China. President Li said he would personally oversee the players’ hands being chopped off.

The National Weather Service launched Joint Polar Satellite System 1, a new weather satellite promising a “quantum leap” forward in forecasting technology. The weather service said the satellite will improve accuracy and advance notice for severe weather events, but stopped short of saying it will minimize ground-level reliance on large-breasted women in tight skirts.

Toy maker Mattel announced the first Barbie doll to be clad in a hijab. The doll, part of the Barbie ‘Shero’ series of women heroes, is modeled after Olympic fencer Ibtihaj Muhammad. Other Barbies will be updated with side-eye as they watch the Hijab Barbie on the shelf next to them.

Revised heart health guidelines from cardiac research groups mean an additional 30 Million Americans will be classified as having “high blood pressure”. This, after the same 30 Million Americans’ blood pressure spiked a day after casting votes for Hillary Clinton.

Kansas City police stopped questioning a suspect detained for drug & gun charges when the suspect’s flatulence drove the detective from the room. Sean Sykes was eventually charged with three firearms violations and cocaine possession, but has yet to enter a plea since all of his court-appointed attorneys quit. (h/t to John Levytsky!)

Weight Watchers introduced Cense – a new brand of diet wine – and a new variation of its in-person meetings called Weight Watchers Anonymous.