By |

Following extensive repairs, the legendary Battleship SS New Jersey was returned to dock in Camden, New Jersey. The ship now has 10 new exits and three different Roy Rogers restaurants.

Owner of casual dining chain Olive Garden claims Americans are switching from fast food to sit-down casual eateries – then complaining the food doesn’t get there fast enough.

McDonald’s debuted the items in their new $5 meal deal – for $5, you get a $6 discount coupon for a better place to eat.

Electric vehicle owners are finding their cars can lose up to 31 percent of the battery charge in extreme heat. Engineers are working on a system to channel energy from the driver’s ass when they sit on the hot front seat.

Athletes in the Paris Olympics say the River Seine is too polluted to swim in for the triathlon. They say organizers are crazy if they think they’re going to go in Seine.

Louisiana passed a law requiring the 10 Commandments to be displayed in all public school classrooms. The law angered civil rights activists, but Louisiana teachers are hoping it means more Louisiana high school graduates can count to 10.

Mosquitos with West Nile Virus are infecting visitors to Las Vegas. Mosquitos are also raking it in betting the ‘over’ on the number of tourists treated for the disease at local hospitals.

Drug manufacturers are warning consumers of counterfeits for weight loss drugs like Wegovy and Ozempic. In other news, Dollar Tree announced the release of new & improved Wegroovy and Zolympic.

The Supreme Court upheld restrictions barring domestic abusers from owning guns, but go ahead an borrow one if you really need it.

Rite Aid announced more pharmacy closures, but still no clearance pricing on opioids.

By |

President Biden will make 500 million at-home COVID tests available for free – just pay $9.95 for shipping & handling.

A female rookie NYC Police officer was recorded giving a lap dance to her married lieutenant at the precinct Christmas party. The lieutenant was busted down to transit duty, and the rookie officer was promoted to lieutenant.

The state of California sued Walmart for illegally dumping over one million items of hazardous waste. Walmart said they had to, because the Lunchables had expired.

The Grove, a high-end outdoor shopping complex in Los Angeles, now installs barbed-wire-like metal coil fencing after hours to prevent smash-and-grab robberies. A spokesman said it’s there to encourage a return to traditional daylight shoplifting.

Peloton shares tumbled when executives said sales of exercise bikes and treadmills fell 17% in the most recent quarter. They announced a recovery plan – selling less-expensive bicycle-and-treadmill shaped clothes hangers.

Health experts say people may not know they have the Omicron COVID variant, since its symptoms most mirror the common cold: runny nose, sneezing, sore throat, and calling out of work because you’ve “never been this sick in your life”.

Rite-Aid is closing 60 locations, but promises to provide assistance to relocate the panhandlers in front of the affected stores.

Christina Aguilera marked her 41st birthday by posting topless photos to Instagram, captioning them ‘XTINA XLI’ – though most people who’ve seen the photos would call them ‘XTINA DDD’

Viral TikTok ‘stars’ the Island Boys attended Jake Paul’s knockout victory over Tyron Woodley in Tampa, but were booed and doused with beer. Their appearance also angered gamblers who’d bet heavily that Jake Paul would be the biggest douchebag to show up at the fight.

‘Frodo’, the last surviving pit bull from Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring passed away peacefully at age 15. Before he died, Frodo enjoyed a steak dinner, then told his puppies his last wish – that they repeatedly piss on Michael Vick’s leg.

By |

Actor Bruce Willis was kicked out of a Rite Aid pharmacy for refusing to wear a face mask, so he still doesn’t know how much money he can save with his GoodRX card.

Congress is voting to impeach Donald Trump. CSPAN is reminding viewers that this is original content, not a rerun.

Anti-Trump activists are pledging $50 Million to Republicans who support impeachment. Texas Representative Louie Gohmert stepped down and will yield his seat to his long-lost anti-Trump triplet brothers, Hewey and Dewey Gohmert.

After a photo of a lookalike went viral, Chuck Norris’ agent said the actor was not at the January 6th DC riots. Millions of Americans were fooled, and also surprised that Chuck Norris still has an agent.

The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service is investigating how a protected manatee in Florida ended up with the word TRUMP etched into the algae on its skin. Their first step was confirming that it was, indeed, a manatee, and not Chris Christie.

New York City is cancelling all contracts with the Trump Organization. Trump managed two NYC skating rinks, a golf course, the Central Park carousel, and a big-ticket roster of high-priced call girls.

Ellen Degeneres said she found out she’d tested positive for COVID-19 in December while backstage at her talk show. She returned to the show yesterday to find the production assistant who gave her the bad news – and fired them.

General Motors debuted a flying concept car, the Cadillac Halo. Senior citizens are encouraged to get on the waiting list and be the first to crash a Halo in to their garage door.

YouTube took down newly-uploaded video content from Donald Trump and gave his account one ‘strike’, or a 7-day ban. Content moderators say he isn’t quite ready yet for standup comedy.

Gaming company Razer is using vending machines to give away free face masks in Singapore, leading to a 1000% increase in canings to pedestrians who toss them on the sidewalk.