Expansion football league XFL announced team names and logos for their inaugural 2023 season, including the St. Louis Battlehawks, San Antonio Brahmans and D.C. Defenders. Mid-season they’ll be joined by the Philadelphia Bankruptcy Lawyers.

Under new owner Elon Musk, Twitter will require verified users to pay $8/month to keep their blue checkmark or they’ll get kicked off. Donald Trump is expected to rejoin Twitter and accumulate $24 in debt he won’t pay by February.

Kanye West says he “hasn’t gotten supermodel pussy” in over a month. A dejected Candace Owens no longer thinks she’s a supermodel.

A Stanford University student serving as sports mascot The Tree was suspended from their role for holding a sign reading ‘Stanford Hates Fun’ during halftime of a football game. The student was ordered to shed their leaves and became The Deciduous Tree.

A study of mice finds a link between nose-picking and Alzheimer’s. Senior mice dispute the study, saying its just harder for them to find tissues to blow their nose.

Scientists identified a gene that is responsible for ‘uncombable hair syndrome’ – specifically, anyone carrying DNA in common with KISS bassist Gene Simmons.

Retired professional boxer Goran Gogic was arrested and charged with trafficking over a billion dollars worth of cocaine. Gocic was photographed shirtless next to 20 tons of coke at the weigh-in.

Two Philadelphia eateries – Angelo’s Pizza and Mike’s BBQ – refused to provide catered meals to the visiting Houston Astros during the World Series. In other news, Philadelphia eateries including scrapple with breakfast catering were charged for trying to poison the Astros.

‘Dancing With The Stars‘ professional Cheryl Burke said in an interview that her high school boyfriend badly bruised her legs by whipping them with a belt while his parents watched. On the plus side, it made her learn the latin hustle before the big homecoming dance.

A leading career consultant advises workers to stop saying “I’m sorry” after making an error at work, which makes you appear weak. Instead they recommend other phrases like “I take full responsibility”, “How can I improve?”, and “F**k you, I’m planning to quit anyway”.

Sprite will switch from green to clear bottles in order to make the plastic more recyclable. Meanwhile, Mountain Dew may move exclusively to aluminum cans & bottles so no one ever has to see what it looks like.

Sesame Place theme park is now the target of a class action lawsuit over racial discrimination, accusing costumed characters of ignoring black children. Sesame Place offered no comment through its game show host-turned-attorney, Guy Smiley.

The family of deceased Kyung Ja Kim sued a New Jersey funeral home for $50 million for putting the wrong body in her casket, which they discovered at the church funeral. The funeral home apologized, but asked “what are the odds two different Korean corpses have the last name Kim?”

Google’s Gmail is rolling out a new look to all users, but assures everyone that it will still take 10 minutes to find a draft reply you saved earlier.

Emmy Nominee and ‘Euphoria‘ star Sydney Sweeney said she “won’t stop” doing nude scenes. “NOW she tells me” said Harvey Weinstein.

For the first time ever, Comcast/Xfinity posted a quarterly decline in broadband internet subscribers. CEO Brian Roberts said they remain at 32.2 million broadband customers, thanks to their efforts keeping 250,000 subscribers on hold while they try to cancel service.

Rare footage off the coast of South Africa shows three orcas killing a great white shark to eat its liver. One orca carried the shark, the other two carried the onions.

JetBlue reached an agreement to purchase Spirit Airlines, creating the U.S.’ fifth-largest provider of cancelled flights.

The United States Gross Domestic Product dropped 0.9% in the second quarter, signaling a possible recession. Inflation also caused a drop in U.S.’ consumption of Spam and scrapple, the country’s Grossest Domestic Products.

A South Carolina woman’s doorbell camera captured footage of a bear ringing the bell at 3:30 a.m. She used the speaker to tell the bear to come back at 10 a.m. after her husband left for work.