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Big Lots is closing 40 stores. They’re transferring inventory to other Big Lots stores which are now Bigger Lots.

Sea lions chased people off of a beach near San Diego. Wildlife experts claim it’s because the sea lions want a place to mate. So the male & female sea lions asked all of the good-looking beachgoers to stick around.

Snoop Dogg will carry the Olympic torch in Paris, but the trail behind him will smell more like Amsterdam.

After an embarrassing performance of the National Anthem at baseball’s All-Star Game, singer Ingrid Andress said she was drunk and was checking in to rehab. Even more embarrassing, she asked when she could see Lebron James play there.

A one-pound bluefish dropped from the sky and broke the windshield of a parked Tesla in New Jersey. The subsequent insurance claim was voted Most Likely To Be Turned Down By The General.

New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez said he’ll resign after being found guilty of corruption, but added it’s not, like, the worst thing a Menendez ever did.

U.S. Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle resigned following criticism of their protection of Donald Trump. In the meantime, the Secret Service will provide Trump with a large bulletproof hamster ball for upcoming public appearances.

Following his decision not to seek reelection, President Joe Biden will address the nation from the Oval Office tonight, just as soon as the crew from Allied Van Lines finishes packing up the room.

A 47-year-old fifth grade teacher from Horsham, Pennsylvania was arrested after being accused of masturbating in two different public places. Counselors were made available to students after what they described as “the worst health class ever”.

Britain’s Prince William was officially named Patron of the U.K. Football Association, the entity controlling all of the nation’s pro, youth & disabled teams. Like American counterparts, his first act was to declare he needs a new stadium that the public pays for.

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Google will soon make their proprietary AI photo-editing tools available to all iPhone & Android users, making it easier than ever to cut your exes and dead relatives out of group photos you look great in.

A possible meteor sighting was recorded over parts of Pennsylvania & New Jersey, but first astronomers want to check with the FAA to make sure it wasn’t part of a Boeing jet crashing to earth.

Jessica Sawicki, a 37-year-old English teacher in Hamilton, New Jersey, allegedly had sex multiple times with an underage student at Assunpink Wildlife Area – where her student saw a lot of both.

Beyonce became the first black artist to reach Number 1 on the Billboard Hot Country Album and Billboard 200 Album charts simultaneously. She plans to celebrate Morgan Wallen-style by tossing a chair off of a Nashville rooftop.

The U.S. Postal Service plans to increase the price of first class Forever stamps to 73 cents – forcing fixed-income grandparents to downgrade money in their grandkids birthday cards from five dollars to four.

Track & field athletes will get paid at the Paris Summer Olympics. Gold medal relay teams will split $50,000, and race-walkers will get a few bucks just because organizers feel bad about how ridiculous they look.

The owner of Sis Sweets Cookies & Cafe in Kansas believes she lost a $4,000 diamond in the dough of cookies she made. Regular customers are spending a lot more time in the Sis Sweets restrooms poking around.

The NFL is allowing teams to have a third helmet design. This is so teams can wear and merchandise more alternate & throwback designs, and so the question “what color helmet were you wearing?” can be added to the concussion protocol.

O.J. Simpson passed away at age 76 after a battle with cancer. The Buffalo Bills announced they’ll lower their championship flags to half mast if they ever get them.

The Coast Guard rescued three people from a remote Pacific Island after they spelled out ‘HELP’ with palm leaves. Then the Coast Guard left after being told the message was for the DoorDash boat.

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Updated CDC guidance permits a reduction in separation from 6 feet to 3 feet between students in classrooms – welcome news for bullies with a 36-inch reach.

A 108-year-old Philadelphia woman received the COVID-19 vaccine. Her only complaint was her weight went up 50%.

In a new book, Sharon Stone claims a film producer asked her to sleep with a costar to improve their onscreen chemistry. It was right before Stone left the cast of a Muppet movie.

A new study claims people who walk slowly are more likely to get sick later in life, provided impatient drivers don’t kill them first.

Overseas spectators will be banned from the Tokyo Summer Olympics due to COVID-19 risk, but athletes from around the globe are welcome to be sickened.

40 teachers in a suburban Philadelphia school district called out of work on Friday, citing bad reactions to COVID-19 vaccines, and totally not a day-drinking party to watch the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament.

Miami Beach Police used SWAT teams to disperse spring breakers violating the city’s new 8pm curfew. SWAT officers reportedly had trouble figuring out whose partier’s hands were in the air to surrender, and which were there to wave like they don’t care.

Scientists studying women and newborns claim they’ve identified 50 new chemicals lurking in human bodies – several of them are plastics, the rest are tied to flavor variants of Mountain Dew.

A 27-year-old named Meghann quit tv survival challenge ‘Naked & Afraid’ after four days in a Mexican desert, saying she couldn’t sleep because of biting insects in her genitals. The insects weren’t thrilled with their sleeping arrangements, either.

A Chicago Cubs minor leaguer was arrested for transporting 20 pounds of meth and over a pound of oxycodone pills. He claimed the drugs were necessary to help coaches and teammates overcome the boredom of watching spring training baseball.