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Wells Fargo Bank fired over a dozen employees for “simulation of keyboard activity” – using tools to move their mouse to pretend like they’re working. Meanwhile, Comcast/Xfinity gave 10-year anniversary plaques to dozens of call center employees for “simulation of customer service activity”.

Pro golfer Rory McIlroy issued a statement calling off his reported divorce from wife Erica Stoll. McIlroy is taking a marriage mulligan, and Stoll found her lost balls.

Jennifer Lopez called Ben Affleck – who she’s rumored to be divorcing – her “hero” on Father’s Day. Like many other superheroes, Affleck plans to disappear for weeks at a time and then return to Lopez only when she really needs it.

The former home of late comedian Richard Pryor – where he once suffered burns while freebasing cocaine – sold for $3.6 million. It was originally listed for $4.2 million but the current owner agreed to a fire sale.

Israel President Netanyahu dissolved the nation’s war cabinet after two officials quit, saying he has no long-term plan for Gaza. Netanyahu said he’ll have a great plan after he consults with the liquor cabinet.

Police in Bucks County, Pennsylvania opened a death investigation after being asked to do a welfare check on a resident. The welfare check report was listed as “not great”.

The Surgeon General wants a cigarette-style warning applied to social media platforms. Although some are saying it’s too late, and that kids are already trying both to look cool.

Kanye West’s former assistant – suing him for sexual harassment – claims he sent her a series of explicit texts, including one saying he took Viagra and had sex with an A-list Hollywood star for 3 hours. West defended the text, saying he needed to let the assistant know she should call 911 if his erection lasted four hours.

The Birmingham Stallions defeated the San Antonio Brahmas 25-0 in the United Football League’s inagural Championship Game before a paid attendance of 27, 396 fans – the largest crowd ever paid to watch a football game.

40% of Americans responding to a dating poll said they believed in ‘hypergamy’ – dating someone in a higher socioeconomic status to improve their own life. Hypergamy has two basic forms: Sugardaddamy and Sugarmommamy.

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A woman was arrested at an airport in Colombia for attempting to smuggle 130 poisonous dart frogs in her luggage. Worse, each of the frogs had swallowed several tiny balloons filled with cocaine.

Researchers believe they’ve found a link between ALS and smoking. They’re considering changing it from Lou Gehrig’s Disease to Joe Camel Disease.

Economists predict Valentine’s Day spending to top $14 billion – no thanks to your cheap boyfriend and his grocery store bouquet.

Two men drifting in the ocean after their boat sank were rescued by a passing Carnival Cruise ship – but only after the men asked if there was another, nicer, cruise ship coming along anytim soon.

Legendary singer/dancer/actress Chita Rivera died. She’s survived by her lesser-known sister, PlaysByTheRules Rivera.

National Geographic listed their 2024 Top Travel Destinations, including West Virginia. In other news, National Geographic’s Senior Travel Editor entered rehab for treatment of addiction to methamphetamine.

A 60-year-old woman was arrested after attacking a Frontier Airlines flight attendant who kept her from using the lavatory while the plane descended for landing in Philadelphia. Either way, sh*t was gonna go down.

UPS is cutting over 12,000 jobs, mostly middle management and contractors, but not whoever’s emailing to tell you your package shipped when they’ve only printed a label.

The maker of popular Stanley travel mugs say they contain lead, but are still safe, and that drinking from them will make you feel fuller, faster.

Elmo the Muppet posted on X to ask how everyone’s feeling, and many responded that they’re not doing great and may need help. Elmo sympathized, saying it hasn’t been easy living with a guy’s hand up his ass for over forty years.

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Vanderpump Rules star Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter, Pandora Todd, is pregnant. Suffice to say someone opened her box.

California’s Dixie wildfire is now the second-largest in state history. Those in Dixie land who take their stand are, generally, dying in Dixie.

Following Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham selling the rights to their music catalogs for tens of millions, Fleetwood Mac keyboardist Christine McVie sold her song rights. She used the proceeds to buy new tires for her Camry.

Greece has also been experiencing devastating wildfires. Large cargo planes have been dropping oatmeal and baking soda, since that’s how you extinguish a Greece fire.

Embattled New York Governor Andrew Cuomo – facing sexual harassment accusations from 11 women – had his top assistant, Secretary Melissa DeRosa, resign. DeRosa said she was tired of being 12th on the Governor’s list.

Olympian Simone Biles wowed Instagram followers with a bikini photo and a new braided hairstyle she’s calling the Twisty.

Philip Morris International – maker of Marlboro and other tobacco cigarettes – said they’ll stop selling Marlboros in the U.K. in ten years. Meanwhile, middle-aged cowboys are reportedly auditioning for print ads featuring the Narlboro Man.

Germany’s modern pentathlon coach Kim Raisner was disqualified from the Tokyo Olympics for punching a horse that refused to jump during equestrian events. The horse also reportedly refused a bouquet of carrots Raisner sent to it.

Bruce Springsteen’s daughter Jessica won a silver medal in equestrian competition at the Tokyo Olympic games. The horse praised Jessica for strapping her hands across his engines.

A Colorado Rockies fan, accused of yelling the n-word at a Miami Marlins player, may have actually been saying “Dinger”, the name of the team’s dinosaur mascot. For the record, Dinger clarified that he’s actually purple, not black.

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Congress passed The TRACED Act, bipartisan legislation to expand consumer protection against annoying robocalls. So say goodbye to all those great deals on health insurance and extended car warranties.

Stacy London, fashion influencer and co-host of cable show ‘What Not To Wear’, introduced her new girlfriend on Instagram. No word on who doesn’t wear the pants in their relationship.

The City of Philadelphia named Danielle Outlaw, former police chief of Portland, OR, to be their new police commissioner. She’s the first African-American woman to hold the post, and the first Outlaw to lead the Philadelphia Police Department since last week.

Philadelphia recorded 355 homicides in 2019, surpassing New York City’s murder total. Combined with the Eagles’ 2019 wins over the Jets & Giants, Philly fully cemented bragging rights.

Comedian Kathy Griffin, a former staple of New Year’s Eve tv celebrations, instead got married to her longtime boyfriend shortly after midnight. Instead of watching the Waterford crystal ball drop in Times Square, she disrobed and watched her fiancee’s balls drop in California.

Pope Francis apologized following the viral video that showed him slapping at a woman who grabbed his arm in St. Peter’s Square. His Holiness said he lost patience with her, and that he’ll find a more constructive way to keep his pimp hand strong.

The Food & Drug Administration plans to ban e-cigarette & vaping flavor cartridges except for traditional tobacco and menthol. The FDA decision was announced at a press conference launching new Fruity Mango Marlboros.

Google Health demonstrated artificial intelligence they claim is better than human evaluation at detecting breast cancer, and also 100% less likely to say “wow!” when looking at women’s breasts.

Drivers in Washington state were trapped in their cars when high winds blew tumbleweeds on to local highways. Once the tumbleweeds were removed, the drivers were able to get out of their cars for pistol duels at ten paces.

Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige told an audience in New York that a transgender character will be introduced to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. No more details were shared, but in a related story, Hulk announced his pronouns as ‘them’ and ‘they’.

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Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.