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Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters he believes May 1st is “a bit optimistic”. He was referring not only to a date for reopening the U.S. economy, but also how long he expects to keep his job.

Al Jazeera reports ten women are rumored to be on Joe Biden’s list of potential vice presidents, pared down from a much longer list in binders he borrowed from Mitt Romney.

A Utah woman is selling face masks covered in images of penises to raise money for her charity. Her biggest customers are Catholic priests who miss seeing altar boys.

Hank Steinbrenner, son of the late George Steinbrenner and co-chairperson of the New York Yankees, died in Florida at age 63. Before he died, team officials gathered at his bedside for a final ceremony to fire Billy Martin.

If coronavirus postpones the NFL season, a third of cable TV customers say they’ll cancel. Two-thirds say they’ll wait until after the U.S. Cornhole Championships on ESPN2.

Google Wear OS smartwatches are adding notifications to wash your hands every three hours, and additional notifications for wearers of non-waterproof devices to buy a new watch.

A 93-year-old woman who held up a sign at her front door reading “I NEED MORE BEER” received a free 10-case shipment of Coors Light in a week. She’s now drunk and holding up a sign reading “I NEED TO GET LAID”.

A female Philadelphia prison inmate who died in custody had COVID-19, but prison officials claim she had an underlying condition. Asked what the condition was, they said “a dozen stab wounds”.

Disney+ is being criticized for covering Daryl Hannah’s bare buttocks with digital hair extensions in the 1984 film Splash. They’re also angering 60 year old starlets who didn’t get the part back then because of their hairy ass.

U.S. residents’ stimulus checks are being delayed because Donald Trump insisted his name be on each of them. Barron Trump and Eric Trump are being treated for carpal tunnel syndrome.

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Walmart supervisors are taking worker temperatures to keep stores and warehouses free of COVID-19. So far, over a hundred robots were sent home after overheating while restocking toilet paper.

Fitbit announced its latest fitness tracker, the Charge 4. It adds GPS functionality so you can more accurately count those five steps between the recliner and the refrigerator.

Alcohol sales increased 55% year-over-year as people stockpiled booze during the coronavirus outbreak. DUI arrests are down, although cops say it’s a lot easier to spot the swerving cars on empty roads.

T-Mobile announced the completion of its merger with Sprint.  “Can you hire me now?” said the unemployed Sprint guy who used to be the Verizon guy.

Comet C/2019 Y4 ATLAS,  five times the size of Jupiter – and about half the size of the Sun – will light up the night sky as it passes Earth in late April. It was to be joined by a second comet, but that one is staying the required six light years away until April 30th.

April 1st is National Census Day. Michelle Obama, Tom Hanks, Lin-Manuel Miranda and others are urging citizens to make sure that they’re counted, even though average schmoes won’t ever count as much as big celebrities.

Donald Trump said the U.S. Government is ‘holding back’ some ventilators in anticipation of a surge in coronavirus infections, or in case he has to walk up a flight of stairs.

Burger King is bringing back its half-pound Big King XL Burger this week – despite protests saying the health care system is already overwhelmed.

Videoconference tool Zoom has a feature that alerts bosses when participants aren’t paying attention in meetings. It tracks participant eye movement, and listens for porn on the iPad next to your laptop.

Speculation is that men are at a higher risk for coronavirus because they’re much less likely to wash their hands – as evidenced by surveys, and women seeing their boyfriend’s greasy fingerprints on their breasts and buttocks.