By |

Barry Lubin, 65, who performs in the Big Apple Circus as ‘Grandma the Clown’, resigned after a former female aerialist in the circus said he pressured her to pose for pornographic photos when she was just 16. In a statement, Lubin said “what I did was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Honk. Honk.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook said in an interview with The Guardian that he doesn’t want his 10-year-old nephew on social media. Cook prefers kids that age to focus on other things, like assembling iPads.

In the wake of the U.S. corporate tax cut, Starbucks announced that they’re spending $120 million on higher wages for workers, and that eligible hourly workers will receive a bonus check of $500 with the wrong name written on it.

A 1.7-billion-year-old chunk of Canada was found in Australia. The sedimentary sandstone rocks, native to Canada, were identified by their sensible toques and the gratitude they expressed to geologists for being found.

Tiger Woods told reporters that he’s ready to return to the Tour — the Stormy Daniels ‘Make America Horny Again’ Tour.

The Justice Department is threatening to subpoena 23 so-called ‘sanctuary cities’ for failure to comply with immigration regulations. Lawyers spent several hours Wednesday morning explaining to President Trump that issuing a subpoena to a city doesn’t mean everybody in the city needs to show up for the hearing.

Wednesday is National Peanut Butter day, in case you’re wondering why your single lady friend stayed home with her dog.

Toys R Us is closing 180 stores. Amazon is offering to pick up the slack, inviting parents to bring toddlers to the toy section of their warehouses for meltdowns.

A rare endangered North Atlantic right whale was spotted off the coast of Mexico; experts say it’s the same whale that was spotted in Panama City Beach, Florida earlier this month. It’s unclear why the whale is choosing this pattern, but DEA agents want to speak to the whale about the contents of a large suitcase it’s carrying.

Chinese researchers successfully cloned two twin macaque monkeys, using the same method pioneered in 1996 to clone sheep. The monkeys are healthy, living in an incubator, but are impatiently asking anyone to clone some goddamned bananas.

By |

Donald Trump was added to the Hall of Presidents at Disney World in Florida. His big line is “no puppet..you’re the puppet” to the other puppets, then he sits down and watches six hours of TV.

Toys R Us is said to be closing up to 100 stores. Once the locations are announced, parents are invited to bring their toddlers in for one final meltdown for old time’s sake.

Reverend Gregory Greiten – a Catholic priest in Milwaukee – came out as gay, telling his parishioners that he exclusively doesn’t have sex with men.

  • After making the announcement at mass, he received a standing ovation, except for the altar boys, who he’d asked to keep kneeling.
  • Greiten said he came out because he was ‘weary of holding it in.’ “You’re telling me!” said a wisecracking man that Greiten is totally not having sex with.

Facebook says that the U.S. Government is making more secret requests for user data than ever before; proving if there’s anything Facebook is worse at than designing user settings, it’s understanding what ‘secret’ means.

Apple AirPods are sold out for the Holidays. So you can either wait until they’re back in stock, or suck it up and reuse the pair you fished out after they dropped from your ears into the toilet.

Shares of Twitter are up 6% this week and 40% this year, as takeover rumors continue to swirl around the company. Facebook is reportedly not interested, even though it would lead to massive productivity increases from users not having to copy their Facebook status into a Tweet.

Driver Danica Patrick announced that she is no longer together with longtime boyfriend and fellow NASCAR driver Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. Insiders say their relationship had been running under a caution flag for some time, until it was just the pits.

Sarah Palin’s oldest son, Track Palin, was arrested for domestic violence after getting into a fight with his father, Todd, over a truck. The younger Palin had apparently been drinking, and the fight left his father bloodied and covered in Track marks.

Reddit officially launched its new mobile tools for users, allowing commenting and chat for the dozen or so Reddit users that actually leave their house.

 

By |

Delta Airlines is hiring 1,000 new flight attendants. The airline says they’ve received over 125,000 applications for the openings, but expect many candidates will withdraw once they realize how opening soda cans ruins their nails.

Athletic shoe maker Asics is testing new shoes that can be customized by microwaving them. The innovation was enthusiastically welcomed by the makers of Hot Pockets, who are happy to now become the second-worst tasting thing you heat in your microwave.

A live-action Dora the Explorer film is in the works, with Michael Bay producing. The project’s working title is Dora the Exploder.

  • Bay picks up executive producing credit after Dora moved the project following her meeting with The Weinstein Company.

A sculpture of Napoleon sitting in a town hall building in New Jersey has been verified as the work of Auguste Rodin, valued at $4 million. The Chairman of New Jersey’s art & culture alliance is stumped as to when the sculpture was made, but assumes it dates back to before Rodin was killed by Godzilla.

Toy maker Hasbro warned of lower 4th quarter demand for toys, based on the bankruptcy proceedings of large retailer Toys R Us. Business is so slow, My Little Ponys have had to take on farm work and over half of Transformers are now doubling as Ubers.

Stephen Hawking’s 1966 doctoral thesis was released for public viewing on Cambridge University’s website, and traffic promptly crashed the site. Pornhub said they could import the documents and absorb the traffic, but nobody would believe anyone who said Hawking’s thesis is why they were there.

Mark Wahlberg, a practicing Catholic, told the Chicago Tribune – ahead of a meeting with Cardinal Blase Cupich – that he hopes God forgives him for his role in Boogie Nights.  Cardinal Cupich said he didn’t know about God, but asked Wahlberg for $20 back for Transformers The Last Knight.

Kid Rock told Howard Stern “F*ck no, I’m not running for Senate.” The Michigan GOP quickly shredded invitations to the $1,000-a-plate Bawitda-Ball fund raiser.

Cell phone video captured scenes of a Harry Styles concert at the Hollywood Bowl, where Styles’ crotch was grabbed by an aggressive fan near the stage. Styles did not grab the fan back, so the improper touching only went in one direction.

This year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade will feature the debut of a new balloon, Olaf the Snowman from Frozen.  The over/under on terrible Al Roker ‘Let It Go’ jokes is 15.

By |

A 25 year-old Ohio father was arrested after donning a scary clown mask and chasing his 6 year-old daughter around the neighborhood to discipline her. He was apprehended when ordered by police to put his hands up, at which point his pants fell down.

Chipotle introduced queso to the menu at its restaurants last week, but commenters on Twitter have expressed disappointment. Worse, the mice filmed at Chipotle over the summer can be seen in a new video scraping the queso off of chips before eating them.

A study in this month’s International Journal of Obesity states that weight loss may be influenced by what’s in dieter’s poop. The study found more weight loss among those whose feces contained a higher ratio of Prevotella to Bacteroides bacteria; and less weight loss among those whose feces contained whole Snickers bars.

Donald Trump Jr. is declining his Secret Service protection so that he can have more privacy. The Secret Service complied, then winked and crossed their fingers behind their backs.

It’s been revealed that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort has been under U.S. government audio surveillance for 3 years. FBI agents now know how to say “urinating hooker” in several Eastern European dialects.

Toys R Us declared bankruptcy. The iconic retailer is so deep in debt, the only Hatchimals they can afford to sell this Christmas are knockoffs that require children to sit on them.

82 locations of Kohl’s stores will pack & ship Amazon returns for free. Kohl’s said it’s the least they can do to help out the bully that will eventually punch them out of business.

President Trump addressed the United Nations on Tuesday morning. Asked for their opinions after the speech, the President said it ‘went very well’; Ivanka Trump called it “excellent” and Eric Trump asked if it was time for lunch yet.

  • Trump again referred to Kim Jong-Un as ‘Rocket Man’ and said the North Korean leader was on a “suicide mission” – hinting that the President enjoys Heavy Metal as well as Classic Rock.

In Geneva, Switzerland, investigators are questioning two Spanish women who flushed 100,000 Euros down toilets at a UBS bank branch and several nearby restaurants. Speculation is that the women were involved in money laundering, or panicked when discovering the bank and restaurants lacked a bidet.

Sunday night’s Emmy Awards set a record for lowest-rated Emmy broadcast, a claim expected to be repeatedly disputed by surprise guest Sean Spicer.

A study in the journal Child Development finds that teenagers of today are slower than teens of the 70s, 80s & 90s to take steps toward independence such as driving, getting a job and dating. Teens reacting to the survey said “whatever”.