By |

A woman glued her hand to the floor of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball court during a game against the LA Clippers, to protest Wolves owner Glen Taylor’s treatment of chickens on his egg farms. The woman is less concerned about the treatment of horses used to make the glue.

Ryan Fischer, the man shot while walking Lady Gaga’s dogs, is concerned that the shooter was mistakenly released from jail due to a clerical error. He’s no longer walking the dogs, because they somehow managed to buy guns to defend themselves.

MSNBC announced Rachel Maddow’s show will only air on Mondays instead of every weeknight. Lesbian Democrats are disappointed, but happy that they just freed up four hours a week on their DVRs.

Gilbert Gottfried died, and edged past Norm Macdonald on Twitter posters’ list of Greatest Comedians Ever.

Ronald Reagan’s assassin John Hinckley sold out an upcoming concert this July in Brooklyn. He already considers himself more successful giving music a shot.

A manhunt is underway for Frank James, a person of interest in the New York subway shooting. Police are baffled since James rented a U-Haul in Philadelphia and managed to get out of that city without getting truckjacked.

Texas sent its first busload of immigrants to Washington D.C. Texas Governor Greg Abbott then fired his assistant after finding out she bought them all roundtrip tickets.

Following the ejection of first base coach Antoan Richardson, the San Francisco Giants replaced her with assistant coatch Alyssa Nakken, making her the first woman to coach on-field in an MLB game. The game went on for a while, because every signal she gave came with a ten-minute story.

Los Angeles gangs are responsible for a rash of recent violent crimes targeting the rich and famous in affluent neighborhoods. It’s so bad, MS-13 is now MS-90210.

A 5-foot by 6-foot stone slab was discovered during renovations at Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, etched with grafitti left over the course of centuries. Translators determined the etchings were mostly “names and addresses of cute teenage boys”.

By |

Walmart announced they’re requiring all shoppers to wear masks, and all their senior citizen greeters will receive karate training.

The Virginia mountain lake where ‘Dirty Dancing’ was filmed had completely dried up, but is now starting to retain water again after a wet spring. The symbolism has made Jennifer Grey hopeful she’ll get acting offers again.

The New York Post published a photo of actress Amber Heard’s feces after she reportedly defecated in her & Johnny Depp’s bed after a fight. The picture was evidence in litigation between the two actors, and is part of the Post’s Pulitzer prize entry.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorney told the judge at her bail hearing that she is now married. The lawyer wouldn’t say who she wed or when, only that she’s really getting along with one of the other prisoners.

Kanye West ended his 2020 presidential bid, choosing instead to run on stage at the next inauguration to tell everybody who should have won.

Asheville, North Carolina approved reparations for Black residents. It’s now impossible to rent a U-Haul within a 500-mile radius of Asheville, North Carolina.

Former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville won the Republican nomination in Alabama’s senate primary over former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who recused himself.

New York Times opinion columnist and editor Bari Weiss resigned, issuing a scathing letter claiming that coworkers called her a Nazi and a racist. “Welcome aboard!” said White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

Ivanka Trump was dragged in social media after saying unemployed workers should “try something new!” Later, she posted a selfie holding a can of Goya beans saying “try something new!…this stuff that people eat on the other side of the wall!”

Celebrity co-parents Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson have reportedly reunited and hired a wedding planner to prepare a low-key ceremony to be attended by family members, close friends, and 200 photographers.

 

By |

A guest at Walt Disney World shared video of smoke pouring from the entrance to the PeopleMover ride – next to where Huey, Dewey & Louie stood red-eyed & coughing as they passed something behind their backs.

Rod Stewart allegedly punched a security guard at a private New Year’s Eve party in Palm Beach, Florida. A court date was set for early February. Stewart, through a spokesman, said “If you want my body, and you think I’m guilty, come on let me know.”

U-Haul said it won’t hire nicotine users in the 21 states where it’s legal to do so. They say they only want the healthiest workers renting oversized, heavy trucks to inexperienced drivers who crash them.

Samsung was rumored to be working on a project called ‘Neon’ – believed to be an “artificial human” – but which, on closer inspection, turned out to just be a really quiet Korean guy.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick refused to answer questions about his team’s future following their season-ending defeat, saying he can’t do so until video assistants give him information about other teams’ futures.

A Japanese businessman paid $1.8 million for a 612-pound bluefin tuna, then set a world record for giving the largest number of people bad breath.

Ahead of Marvel Studios summer blockbuster ‘Black Widow’, comic book website CBR listed Black Widow’s superpowers. They include super intelligence, super healing, super lifespan, and the super ability to get a movie made about the most boring Avenger.

Walmart plans to grow business by offering more upscale alcohol options in stores. The biggest challenge is convincing high-end wine and liquor makers to put their products in jugs with NASCAR logos on them.

Following the airstrike that killed Qassem Soleimani, a man eulogizing the Iranian leader offered an $80 million bounty on Donald Trump. Eric & Don Jr. promptly invited their Dad on a rhino hunting trip, with a 24-hour layover in Tehran on the way home.

Keep Labs won an innovation award at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show for a product that locks up cannabis products to keep them safe and fresh. It opens via fingerprint recognition, because most users are too baked to remember combinations.

Also at the Consumer Electronics Show, the Consumer Technology Association is permitting the display of, and awards for, sex toys. Or, as they’re known outside of Las Vegas, prostitutes.