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Customers claim Instacart shoppers are stealing their groceries. Instacart executives say the best way to prevent theft is to not order cookies and potato chips.

Producers of Modern Family – which ended its decade-long run on Tuesday night – hinted at possible spin-off shows for its characters. So far the most likely characters to get their own show are Sofia Vergara’s breasts.

Google told employees they can’t use videoconferencing app Zoom on company-issued laptops anymore. Workers will need to use Google tools like Google Meet or Google Hangouts if they want to share below-the-neck nudes.

Tom Brady told Howard Stern during an interview that former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has an “amazing” penis, but that his balls are a little too taut for his liking.

Ellen Degeneres jokes that self-isolation is “like being in jail”. Some women inmates said she’s kinda right, since they, too, are “gay for the stay”.

Levi’s ‘Super Mario’-themed jeans go on sale today online. Just add the items to your cart, enter a payment method, and defeat Donkey Kong ten times.

Convenience store chain Wawa is donating use of a refrigerated truck for the state of New Jersey’s use as a temporary morgue. Families retrieving bodies can add a bag of chips for 99 cents.

The Unicode Consortium – overseers of emoji – announced no new emoji will be issued in 2021 because of the COVID-19 pandemic. People can still submit new emoji suggestions, but until then, keep the two oranges and eggplant ready in your ‘recently used’ tab.

Yelp! laid off 1,000 employees, leading to Yelp! collapsing in on itself as the target of hundreds of scathing Yelp! reviews.

Walmart’s grocery shopping app achieved a record number of downloads. The bad news is that orange soda and Cheetos are still backordered until Halloween.

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The Unicode Consortium released new emojis coming in 2019, including new images of people with physical disabilities. It’ll now be easier than ever to tell someone you’re having sex with a physically disabled person.

A University of Pennsylvania hospital is testing a patient to see if they have ebola. Testing is complicated because ebola symptoms – bleeding, nausea & fever – closely mirror those of patients admitted after eating scrapple for breakfast.

The NYPD sent a cease & desist letter to Google asking that they stop letting drivers use the Waze app to alert others to DUI checkpoints. Google refused, citing freedom of speech, and users desire to improve at drunk texting and driving.

Delta Airlines & Coca-Cola apologized for “creepy” beverage napkins used on Delta flights, that encouraged writing your name and phone number on them to give to others on the flight. Passengers complained, and male flight attendants have one less option to meet people.

Virginia’s white Governor and Attorney General admitted wearing blackface to parties, and the black Lieutenant Governor is accused of sexual assault. While everyone waits to see what horrible thing the Speaker of the State House did, the janitor at the Capitol is picking out a suit for his swearing-in ceremony.

A Dunkin’ Donuts employee in Ocean City, New Jersey tested positive for hepatitis A. Customers who were there between January 27 & 31 are advised to get vaccinated, or to clean out their liver with an extra-large Dunkin coffee.

The minor-league-baseball Hartford Yard Goats will go peanut-free at their home stadium this year, providing children with peanut allergies a safe place to go and be bored.

Justin Bieber said in an interview that he abused Xanax, giving him something in common with parents of daughters playing Justin Bieber songs around the house.

JC Penney announced they’re discontinuing sales of appliances and most furniture, in order to focus on its core business — selling embarrassing back-to-school clothing purchased by grandparents.

Walmart announced an expansion of its Allswell online mattress and bedding business, saying they’ll dedicate more in-store display space to show the best way to put it on the floor of your trailer or van.

 

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The Unicode Consortium announced 157 new emoji options will debut later this year. They include new smiley faces, sports and food – but sexual intercourse will still require using existing fruits and vegetables.

The widow of Richard Pryor said that the late comedian had sex with Marlon Brando. She said she wished they’d filmed it, making it the only funny movie Pryor would have appeared in.

Philadelphia expects 2 million revelers lining the streets for the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. With huge crowds and frigid cold, some are likening it to Philly’s annual New Years Day Mummers Parade – only this one brings races together and isn’t a national embarrassment.

Asked about the cost of the parade during a radio interview, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said “we’re paying for it…after 50-some years? We’ll find the money.” Kenney then announced that a 16-ounce soda bought in Philly will cost ten dollars.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave a marathon eight-hour speech on immigration to the House floor, Pelosi’s longest speech since giving her husband a recap of the 15-minute phone call she had with her sister earlier in the week.

Gloria Copeland, an evangelical minister and adviser to the Trump campaign, released a video saying that “Jesus is your flu shot”. While she’s been widely criticized, her followers agree that a quick chat with Jesus beats waiting 45 minutes in CVS.

President Trump’s plans for a July 4th ‘Military Parade’ is being criticized both for its purpose and its expense – not the least of which is the million dollars being demanded by Toby Keith to be Grand Marshal.

A naked man locked himself in the bathroom of an Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle, forcing the jet to return and remove him. Flight attendants said the man ‘wasn’t in his right mind’ and that he may have been trying to join the Mile Really Really High Club.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car pileup in Los Angeles. No one was injured and the actor exchanged information with the other two drivers, who called their friends so they could run into him and get his information too.

Omarosa made her debut on Celebrity Big Brother, and swiftly compared the show to the White House, saying that there’s backstabbing.  But that, on the bright side, there are far fewer people accused of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Big Brother House.