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Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Britney Spears’ boyfriend, fitness trainer Sam Asghari, said he contracted COVID-19 but recovered thanks to a healthy lifestyle. Britney said while Sam was toxic, she had not slipped under.

Volunteers calling themselves “grandchildren of Santa Claus” placed video calls to isolated elderly patients at a nursing home in Italy. The Italian seniors refused to speak with them because they’d never showed up to Sunday dinner.

A USA Today poll found 50% of registered voters call Donald Trump a “failed President”. Another 30% wanted to know if “failed” was the worst choice they had.

The CDC reported another coronavirus strain discovered in Nigeria, then said “nevermind, it’s just regular ol’ ebola”.

Oregon officials say one person’s “superspreader action” resulted in several deaths and over 300 people sick. The person in question defended himself, saying it was just a really busy shift at the Arby’s drive-thru.

Visa continued its ban for use on payments to Pornhub – a judge then ruled Visa can no longer say “it’s everywhere you want to be”.

Billionaire Ron Burkle – a former financial advisor to Michael Jackson – purchased Neverland Ranch for $20 million. Burkle hasn’t yet disclosed his future plans for the property, other than evicting Bubbles the Chimp.

The Houston Rockets postponed their season-opening game because too many players were in COVID protocol. James Harden plans to get both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, since he usually takes twice as many shots as he should.

The CDC still hasn’t notified passengers on a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 that they’ve been exposed. However, United asked them to designate a beneficiary for their frequent flyer miles.

Washington Football Team owner Daniel Snyder claims co-owner Dwight Schar is leaking information on Snyder’s alleged sexual misconduct in a effort to force Snyder out. Snyder has no plans to sell, but he is embarrassed, as evidenced by his red skin.

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A Christopher Columbus statue was removed in Chicago. It took over a thousand gunshots to bring down.

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spoke on the House floor about being insulted and called a “f*cking b*tch” by fellow Rep Ted Yoho. Yoho is retiring from Congress to finally live the life of a pirate.

One Direction celebrated their ten-year anniversary, leaving many to wonder if they, too, should celebrate their anniversaries after they broke up.

The CDC released controversial guidelines in favor of children returning to school. Absenteeism will require a note signed by a coroner.

Taylor Swift’s surprise new 14-song album is getting rave reviews from critics, fans and the 14 guys who dumped her.

Friday is National Tequila Day, with revelers all set to celebrate and wake up on National Tuesday.

Pew Research released on online calculator that tells you whether you’re part of the upper, middle, or lower class. If you need to borrow a computer to use the calculator, you’re lower.

A woman viewer emailed Victoria Price – a reporter at WFLA Florida – to say she saw a small lump on her neck and to see a doctor. Price did and discovered thyroid cancer. Now, male viewers are emailing the hot meteorologist offering to check her breasts for lumps.

The NFL’s former Washington Redskins will adopt the temporary name Washington Football Team for the 2020 season. Female ex-employees modified their documentation so they’re now suing the Washington Football Team for sexual harassment.

Boston sports talk radio host Fred Toucher – whose on-air rants about subjects including his divorce concerned coworkers –  said he’s taking time off and will enter a mental institution. Listeners question whether he’ll still be qualified for sports talk radio if his mental illness is cured.

 

 

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Ghislaine Maxwell is being held in a Brooklyn jail under 24-hour surveillance, and forced to wear paper clothing. When reporters asked how she was doing, her lawyer said she’s “pretty torn up.”

The NFL’s Washington Redskins have agreed to change their name to something less racist, so you can rule out Washington Presidents.

Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai Bachchan – known as the ‘World’s Most Beautiful Woman’ – tested positive for COVID-19. It’s assumed the 150 people in the song & dance number accompanying her test are also at risk.

A Super Mario Bros cartridge sold for a record $114,000 at auction. Its value dropped to about five bucks after the buyer blew in it.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli sold their Bel-Air mansion. It reportedly sold for considerably less than the $28 million asking price, because the buyer really wanted that rowing machine.

As more Americans cut grains from their diets, Chipotle plans to test cauliflower rice, just as soon as they can find cauliflower with enough E.coli in it.

NBA players are complaining about the food while they resume the season at Disney World, and are also complaining that they aren’t getting any phone numbers at the daily Princess Breakfast.

Bristol Palin shared a photo with Zach Towers, a Texas roofing contractor. She hasn’t confirmed that they’re officially a couple; Palin usually only does so after she’s had the baby.

A dog in Texas tested positive for coronavirus. Health department officials are frantically contact tracing other dogs’ butts.

Donald Trump reportedly considered selling the island of Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria since he thought it was already liquidated.

 

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A woman taking selfies on a closed Grand Canyon trail fell to her death. The photos were uploaded to her account on Instaslam.

The NFL’s Washington Redskins are exploring new names. Odds of a name change actually happening are even money at Native American casinos.

London reopened pubs with few restrictions on social distancing and mask-wearing. Residents are confident that if they get sick at a London pub, it’ll be from the food.

In multiple cities, protestors tossed commercial fireworks at cops. The cops didn’t return fire because they were enjoying the Neil Diamond and Lee Greenwood songs that protestors played as the fireworks exploded.

Kanye West announced he’s running for president of the U.S. It’s unclear if he’s serious, but if he wins, no one’s expecting the White House to stay that way.

A recent poll found 27% of Americans would reject a free coronavirus vaccine. They’re doing a new poll to see if the numbers improve if they can pick out a toy or get ice cream after.

A resident of Florida contracted a brain-eating amoeba. #Starving is now trending on Twitter for three straight days.

Repeated exposure to nighttime fireworks can cause anxiety and memory loss – like remembering how many fingers you used to have.

Rideshare giant Uber is acquiring food delivery service Postmates for $2.65 billion and no tip.

The surge in hard seltzer sales has led to more people using them to make ‘spiked popsicles’. Which, in turn, has led to more & more kids passed out and puking next to the monkey bars.

 

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Donald and Melania Trump filed official paperwork to change their state of residence from New York to Florida. Meanwhile, Barron arrived home after school to an empty apartment.

The Tulsa Remote program offers $10,000 grants to remote and digital workers who move to Tulsa, Oklahoma. The only requirements are that you be 18 or older, have a full-time job, and have given up on your dreams.

Washington Redskins player Trent Williams said he had a tumor removed from his skull, against the advice of team doctors who said he should avoid surgeries and wait for the concussions to shrink it.

Chick-fil-A apologized for an email sent to customers promoting National Sandwich Day, which falls on Sunday, when Chick-fil-A is closed. They also apologized for using email, which they believe is a tool of the devil.

Today is World Vegan Day. Restaurants are offering free vegan items to customers who want to try the food they insult people for eating.

Google is acquring Fitbit. Google’s Assistant is considering quitting instead of answering “How Many Steps Have I Taken?” for the zillionth time.

Kohl’s announced their Black Friday deals early – to the delight of everyone looking for a Mom Jeans Doorbuster.

Over 500 Dressbarn stores began their going-out-of-business discounts . All sales – and the dumpy, dateless look that goes with ’em – are final.

3M Company announced the teen winners of its Young Scientist Challenge. First place went to the inventor of a new liquid bandage; second place to the designer of a magnet-powered commuter railway, and thousands of Honorable Mentions to volcanoes.

A couple made an ‘Alien’-inspired short film as a gender reveal, with pink streamers popping out of the mom’s abdomen to say it’s a girl. The sequel will take place when the girl emerges from her lower abdomen via c-section.