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Rudy Giuliani tested positive for COVID-19, then lost 40 lawsuits challenging the results.

In another stinging defeat, Santa Claus threw out a letter from attorney Jenna Ellis demanding he overturn Donald Trump’s assignment to the Naughty list.

Google Maps now allows users to upload their own ‘Street View’ photos of businesses to the app. Now you can find that great new pizza place and see how it looks with a guy standing naked in front of it.

California residents are under a new stay-at-home order for the next three weeks, but most still managed to show up fashionably late for breakfast in their own kitchen.

A mystery illness causing nausea and seizures put over 300 people in the hospital in Southern India. In other news, McDonald’s introduced the McChicken Tikka Masala.

Bob Dylan reportedly sold his songwriting catalog to Universal Music Group for over $300 million. Dylan asked if they wanted his vocal tracks too, and Universal said “nah, you keep ’em”.

Disney Parks announced the temporary closure of the Expedition Everest attraction at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, adding they routinely remove guests who froze to death.

A man quarantining at a Taiwan hotel was fined $3,500 for stepping out of his room for eight seconds. Still no word on when, or if, the prostitute he’s looking for will arrive.

Melania Trump announced the completion of the new White House tennis pavilion, and the deportation of everyone who worked on it.

YouTube influencer Logan Paul, who knocked out Nate Robinson in a boxing exhibition match, will fight undefeated Floyd Mayweather in February. Paul will then record a post-match video for YouTube when he wakes up in April.

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The Centers for Disease Control is recommending older Americans stay home whenever possible to keep from catching coronavirus. Netflix reportedly paid $80 million to acquire one year’s worth of broadcast rights to ‘Matlock’.

The NBA issued a coronavirus memo to teams saying they should prepare to play games without fans. NBA players wanting to know what it’s like playing in front of no fans are asking WNBA players.

Melania Trump criticized those who made fun of her posting photos overseeing the new White House tennis pavilion. She’s moved on to overseeing hiring the new White House tennis pro, via a series of interviews in her bedroom.

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham recognized International Women’s Day by posting a photo of herself during the birth of her son in January. She said it was the most challenging and amazing thing she’s ever done – losing ten pounds in a day.

IKEA, which closed all 30 of its stores in China amidst the coronavirus outbreak, reopened 14 of them and debuted a new slogan: “If the virus doesn’t kill you, neither will assembling a dresser.”

Cruise passengers stuck on the Carnival Panorama for an extra day finally disembarked in Long Beach. They said the extra time was a minor inconvenience, and that they stayed entertained watching reigning cruise champion norovirus battle coronavirus.

Spring Break destinations popular with college students are said to be monitoring the spread of viral disease, although some people are happy the herpes virus will have some company this year.

Harvey Weinstein, imprisoned at Rikers Island awaiting sentencing for a rape conviction, reportedly hit his head in a fall. Weinstein is not permitted to use a walker, or a stunt double

XFL officials said game attendance is holding steady – and by that they mean all of the players are still showing up.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence will not attend the Congressional St. Patrick’s Day lunch, the first time since its inception that neither the president or vice-president will attend. A White House spokesman cited event host Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment actions, and the absence of Shamrock Shakes on the menu.

 

 

 

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Melania Trump tweeted a photo holding a shovel to break ground on a new White House tennis pavilion, after consulting Joe Biden to see if he plays tennis.

  • It’s part of Melania’s ‘Be Best Backhand’ initiative.

Three male scientists shared the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for inventing lithium-ion batteries. They came up with the idea when their bored, disinterested wives were each spending $200 a month on Duracells for their vibrators.

Philadelphia City Schools are offering free head lice screenings to teachers and school nurses, though it’s expected that half the lice in Philly schools will just drop out.

Johnson & Johnson must pay $8 billion in damages for failing to warn users its antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, caused gynecomastia – a condition causing men to grow enlarged breasts. The judgment is being called the world’s most expensive boob job. [ Story & joke submitted & guest-written by reader J.O !! ]

McDonald’s launched a McRib Locator website to help customers find participating locations serving the sandwich, and to help families of dangerously obese people avoid them.

The Philadelphia Flyers opened a rage room, where hockey fans can pay to go in a room during games and break things.  The Philadelphia Philles say they considered it, but decided to let fans keep using their living rooms.

The New York City townhome where The Cars frontman Ric Ocasek passed away is back on the market, listed at $13.9 million – an amount his surviving wife Paulina Porizkova described as “just what I needed”.

Robert Downey Jr. told Howard Stern he doesn’t want an Oscar nomination for Avengers: Endgame, telling studio publicists “let’s not”. Downey said he was inspired by the late Jim Varney saying “let’s not” to an Oscar campaign for ‘Ernest Goes to Jail’.

New research spanning 70 years finds having a dog lowers your risk of dying by 24 percent. The study followed everyone except infants and toddlers living with pit bulls.