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Scottish football referees Craig Napier and Lloyd Wilson came out as gay, to help change the stigma of homosexuality in that country. Now they give players a redyelloworangegreenblue card.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson faces a ‘no confidence’ vote from Parliament for throwing parties during COVID lockdown. Johnson’s defense centers on his wanting to get a 20-month headstart on the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations.

Sony Pictures rerelease of box office bomb Morbius failed, with just $85,000 in tickets sold on Friday – and those were to people tricked by the new title, Top Gun: Morbius.

Queen Elizabeth was unable to attend her Platinum Jubilee concert due to discomfort. However, she did send two royal butlers to the show to throw her panties on the stage at Rod Stewart.

Thousands of UK workers are starting a four-day work week trial, where they receive full pay for just 80% of the hours, promising that they’ll maintain the same productivity. “Yep, we promise” said British teens smoking cigarettes in front of UK Walmart.

New diabetes drug Tirzepatide led to larger-than-expected weight loss in patients, and not just from their feet falling off.

Virgin Atlantic airlines updated its policy and now allows flight attendants to show off their tattoos while in uniform. However, tattoos on women’s breasts and men’s buttocks are only visible to first class passengers.

Kyle Rittenhouse claimed he’s going to Texas A&M in the fall, but the university said he’s not enrolled. Rittenhouse clarified, saying he meant he’s going to Texas armed & murder people.

A teaser trailer for the new Hunger Games movie prequel premiered last night, called The No Thanks I’m Stuffed Games.

388 people in Britain donned mermaid tails to break the Guinness World Record for largest gathering of ‘merfolk’. The mermaid tails may be auctioned off, once the urine is cleaned out of them.

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New York State passed a law raising the minimum age to 21 in order to purchase or own a semi-automatic rifle. NRA parents are now left scrambling to find gifts for high-school graduation parties.

Queen Elizabeth pulled out of her scheduled appearance at a St. Paul’s Cathedral service during her Platinum Jubilee, citing “discomfort”. Other old British ladies were thrilled to have a new excuse they, too, could use to blow off two dismal hours at church.

The United Nations recognized the nation of Turkey’s official name change to Turkiye, pronounced tur-key-yay, and the condiment of Gravy’s official name change to Graviye.

COO Sheryl Sandberg announced she’s leaving Facebook parent company Meta, and that she’s under investigation for using company resources to plan her wedding. She runs Facebook, but still needed three Facebook software developers to figure out the privacy settings for the wedding event.

Apple claims its upcoming iPad OS 16 tablet operating system will finally make iPads effectively replace laptops. Because the software weighs four pounds.

The Philadelphia Phillies fired manager Joe Girardi. The team is now seven games under .500, but the last straw was Girardi testing positive for monkeypox.

NASA selected Axiom Space and Collins Aerospace to develop the next spacesuits for astronauts working outside the International Space Station (ISS), edging out Carhartt and Wrangler.

Law enforcement officials in Uvalde, Texas now claim 911 call information from terrified children “never reached” the police chief on-site – thanks to a Texas law requiring school children to answer each other’s 911 calls.

LIV Golf, the upstart professional golf league backed by the Saudi Arabian government, is rumored to have paid Dustin Johnson $125 million to join. Or, about a thousand times what they pay for guys to execute foreign journalists.

A new study finds 17 & 18 year olds should have one-to-two hours of screen time per day on weekdays, and two-to-three hours on weekends, to be emotionally well-adjusted. Males should spend most of their time on social media and websites, and an efficient 90 seconds on porn.

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A California woman found $36,000 in the cushion of a sofa she got for free on Craigslist. She returned the money, and the condoms she found in a different cushion.

The company owning the rights to Elvis Presley’s likeness ordered Las Vegas wedding chapels to stop performing Elvis-themed weddings. Couples married by Elvis impersonators have the option of going to Graceland for an officially-licensed Elvis divorce.

Queen Elizabeth commemorated 70 years on the throne – proving the damaging impact of British cooking.

Chevrolet announced it’s lowering the price of its Bolt electric vehicle to $27,000. Bolt sedans were recently recalled because of flammable batteries; Chevy says the price cut is permanent and not a fire sale.

The United Kingdom is planning to send U.S.-made medium-range rocket systems to Ukraine to help battle the Russian invasion. They’re also planning to send UK-made scones to Russian soldiers to make them too sick to fight.

Amber Heard’s attorney says she can’t pay the $10 million judgment won by ex-husband Johnny Depp in their defamation trial. She’ll appeal, but if she loses that, keep an eye out for an Aquaman-themed Only Fans account.

A woman born with a misshapen right ear received a new, transplanted ear which was 3-D printed using her own cells. She then had it pierced at a shopping mall and ruined it.

Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen admitted in an interview that he vomits before every game – as do about 12-to-15,000 fans attending Bills home games.

Archaeologists unearthing the ruins of an ancient Roman fort found a stone with a drawing of a penis etched into it, along with what’s believed to be the first-ever carved graffiti of the phrase ‘for a good time, call..’

Police arrested a Utah man after he brandished a firearm at McDonald’s drive-thru employees, followed by his 4-year-old son firing a shot at responding officers. The man was jailed, and the toddler got a Happy Meal with fries instead of apple slices.

A bison gored a woman at Yellowstone National Park, tossing her 10 feet in the air. The bison’s friend now has to toss a different tourist higher than that to win the bet.

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Reality tv star Stephanie Matto, who’d already started a business selling her farts in a jar, is now selling her ‘boob sweat’ and claiming to make $5,000/day doing so. Most of the revenue is from illiterate moms still desperate for baby formula.

Mothers of newborns are doing their part during the U.S. baby formula shortage by pumping extra breast milk, although many shoppers wish they weren’t doing so in the baby food aisle at the grocery store.

Lucid Motors’ Lucid Air electric sedan won Motor Trend Car Of The Year honors in its first year of existence, the best showing by a first-year automaker since the Yugo GV took 48th place in 1986.

Doctors are advising monkeypox patients to abstain from sex while symptomatic – or, at the very least, to put a condom on their banana.

Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz listed his reasons for regular citizens needing an AR-15 assault rifle, starting with the possibility that the 16 year old girl you just paid for doesn’t think you’re the right guy for her.

Retired football star & Georgia GOP candidate Herschel Walker is mad at Donald Trump, calling him a liar because he claims it was God – not Trump – who convinced him to run for Senate. God said if he got involved in elections, there would have been a different 45th U.S. President.

Both pilots of an ITA Airways jet flying from New York to Italy reportedly fell asleep, losing contact with air traffic control. The pilots cited fatigue from alcohol consumption and cockpit sex with flight attendants.

A man who fathered 15 children via sperm donation for lesbian couples failed to inform them he has a genetic disorder that causes learning disabilities. The lesbians are disappointed, but say they probably shouldn’t have bought sperm at Big Lots.

A New Jersey teenager and geneaology expert solved a 57-year-old cold murder case in Pennsylvania – matching DNA to a bartender who died in 1980. Police exhumed the body to confirm the match and to slap handcuffs on the skeleton.

Netflix, faced with subscriber declines and cost increases, said they’ve reset their feature film strategy, focusing on fewer, better, bigger films – and whatever junk Adam Sandler decides he wants to do.

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Actress Busy Phillips said she and her husband have been separated for a year. He’s still been getting busy, but has not been getting Busy.

A truck crashed in western Pennsylvania, spilling 15,000 pounds of hot dog filler on to a highway. Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs announced their July 4th hot dog eating contest was being moved from Coney Island to a highway in western Pennsylvania.

The FDA is investigating a hepatitis A outbreak lined to organic strawberries. Consumers are advised to discard any berries they’ve purchased, and not to eat Grandma’s hepatitis shortcake.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s husband was charged with DUI after crashing his Porsche in Napa Valley, California – proving she can drive both Republicans and Democrats to drink.

A man at the Louvre Museum in Paris threw cake at the famous Mona Lisa. She stopped smiling because she knows it’s going straight to her hips.

A golden tabernacle valued at $2 million was stolen from a Brooklyn church. Priests are furious because they planned to sell it themselves to fund vacations with altar boys to Fire Island.

The World Health Organization said it’s unlikely the current monkeypox outbreak will lead to another global pandemic. However, they’re concerned that banana growers will be unable to keep up with the number of victims getting ‘long monkeypox’.

Sonic Drive-In workers at a Georgia restaurant were shocked when they found a three-and-a-half-foot snake living behind the deep fryer. The non-venomous ball python was easily captured since it was comatose from tater tot ingestion.

China’s Zheng Qinwen’s quest for an upset of top-ranked Iga Swiatek at tennis’s French Open was derailed when she experienced menstrual cramps after taking the first set, then losing. “I wish I were a man”, Zheng said. “So do we” said her parents.

More than 1 billion methamphetamine pills were seized by authorities in East and Southeast Asia last year as the region’s production of illegal synthetic drugs soars. In other news, the Governor of West Virginia announced a landmark trade deal with East and Southeast Asian nations.

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Closing arguments are underway in the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp trial, leaving a court to decide whether the bed-pooper defamed the drunken pirate, vice-versa, or both.

A Japanese man spent $15,000 on a lifelike costume to look like a border collie. However, he still can’t lick his own balls. [story h/t to J !]

Paris Hilton wants to be “Queen of the Metaverse”. Since most adults don’t know what the Metaverse is, or have plans to spend any time there, that’s fine by them.

Timothy Hale-Cusinelli, a New Jersey native on trial for breaching the Capitol in the January 6th insurrection, told a judge he was from New Jersey, and effectively too dumb to know there was a building called the Capitol. “I’ll allow it” said the judge. [Another story h/t to J !]

Public outrage is mounting over the slow response by Uvalde, Texas police to the fatal elementary school shooting. A Uvalde cop asked for the public’s understanding, citing the challenge of simultaneous response to a mass shooting, while also planning a Memorial Day chicken barbecue with the fire department.

Lee Greenwood, Don McLean & Larry Gatlin all cancelled their concerts at the Houston NRA Convention. If you want to see old white geezers sing to hillbilly dipshits in Texas, you’ll have to wait for Motley Crue’s Stadium Tour.

K-Pop superstars BTS will make an appearance at the White House on May 31st to close out Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Aides are briefing Joe Biden to prevent him asking which of them know Kim Jong Un.

Netflix added a viewer warning to the beginning of new ‘Stranger Things’ episodes in the wake of the Uvalde shooting, since the show contains scenes with dead children. Texas Senator Ted Cruz introduced new legislation banning Demogorgons in schools.

Chicago raised its COVID risk level to ‘high’ on Thursday – making it the only time in recent history residents are hoping for more shots in Chicago.

Ellen Degeneres got choked up while recording the final episode of her daytime talk show, Ellen. As opposed to production assistants throughout the years, who just got choked.

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Texas gubernatorial candidate Beto O’ Rourke interrupted Gov. Greg Abbott’s postmortem press briefing about the Uvalde school shooting to demand change. An angry Abbott threatened to punch his ass.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt signed a restrictive statewide abortion ban in to law. As part of his commitment to saving lives, he’ll next sign a statewide ban on tornados.

The National Rifle Association banned guns from its convention in Texas. Sales projections at on-site souvenir stands were cut dramatically.

Scientists created a tiny robot crab that can stand on the side of a penny. The robot crab is also the result of poor robot hygiene.

United Kingdom law enforcement charged actor Kevin Spacey with four counts of sexual assault. He’ll stand trial once he completes training to learn a British accent.

Nancy Brophy, a romance novelist who authored ‘How To Murder Your Husband‘, was convicted of murdering her husband. Brophy awaits sentencing while writing her follow-up, ‘How To Successfully Appeal A Conviction For Murdering Your Husband’.

Baz Luhrmann’s biopic ‘Elvis‘ premiered at the Cannes film festival to mostly favorable reviews, with some critics saying it could use a little less conversation and a little more action.

Kim Kardashian apologized to her family for years of ex-husband Kanye West’s verbal attacks on them, saying she wished she’d done so earlier, but that many of the incidents happened between their E! show and their Hulu show.

Experts claim the current outbreak of monkeypox happened because warning signs – including a large outbreak in Nigeria in 2017 – were ignored. Doctors also ignored other warning signs, but were too arrogant to take the advice of monkeys.

A woman is suing Celebrity Cruises, saying the blood transfusion she received while on board was infected with HIV. Celebrity has yet to respond to the allegations, but announced they were shutting down the Blood Buffet on all ships.

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Hyundai recalled thousands of Accent & Elantra vehicles over the risk of shrapnel injuries from exploding seat belts during collisions. In the interim, owners are advised to not use the seat belts, and fly to safety through the windshield.

Aerosmith postponed some Las Vegas concert dates as sober frontman Steven Tyler entered rehab. In other news, Motley Crue announced their Stadium Tour remains on schedule, as frontman Vince Neil successfully maintained his alcohol and cheeseburger intake.

Adam Sandler posed for photos with a woman after the two were involved in a fender-bender in Los Angeles. The woman was in good spirits, saying it wasn’t nearly as bad a wreck as the time she paid to see Jack & Jill.

Caitlyn Jenner was reportedly not invited to stepdaughter Kourtney Kardashian’s wedding to Travis Barker in Italy. Jenner assumed she’d be on the guest list since it required a trans Atlantic flight.

According to a Southern Baptist Convention report on clergy sex abuse, 44 women made claims against the same Jacksonville pastor, Darrell Gillyard. They were all even more angry when Gillyard declared a 45th woman the winner of the church bake-off.

Walmart apologized for selling Great Value Juneteenth ice cream. They promised to pull it from stores – but that doing so has nothing to do with their new Great Value Red Velvet Cheesecake baby formula.

Instagram announced a ‘full visual refresh’ – with new branding, logo & typeface. Then admitted it’s not exactly a “full” refresh since you can still count on the same ol’ same ol’ boobs.

Kate Moss testified at the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp defamation trial, saying under oath that Depp never pushed her down a flight of stairs during their relationship, but that somehow she did manage to walk into six open doors because she’s so clumsy.

This Is Us aired its final episode. Producers are in negotiations to air reruns as That Was Us.

The CDC says 1 in 5 COVID survivors will develop long COVID. And if the other 4 out of 5 are smart, they’ll at least get a really long weekend out of it.

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Colin Cantwell, designer of Star Wars’ Death Star, passed away at age 90. More bad news, he asked to have his ashes spread on his home planet of Alderaan.

Noah Thompson won Season 20 of American Idol. He received congratulatory messages from 19 previous winners, 2 of which he’d actually heard of.

Florida confirmed its first case of Monkeypox, but it was quickly eradicated by several local strains of herpes.

The last public pay phones in New York City were removed, leaving locals confused about who they should call for a good time.

The City of Philadelphia will spend $13 million to dredge the Schuylkill River, reuniting hundreds of local families with their grandparents.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed will boycott the city’s Pride Parade, opposing a ban on city police participating in the parade in uniform. Worse, the ban also means all of the Village People can’t be in it either.

Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band announced a 2023 World Tour – the first ever where a majority of ticket sales are purchased by withdrawals from 401[k]s.

Princeton University fired Classics professor Joshua Katz for failing to disclose a sexual relationship with a student 15 years ago. Katz defended his actions, saying he did fully detail the relationship in a 2007 issue of Dear Penthouse Forum: Classics.

Three Americans at a Sandals resort in the Bahamas died of carbon monoxide poisoning, according to a Bahamas medical examiner – contradicting the findings of Sandals house doctor, who had ruled they’d passed of a fun overdose.

The auction of a dress worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard Of Oz was blocked by a judge, because of a dispute over its current ownership. A woman claims the dress was owned by her late uncle, who died in 1986. She wasn’t going to sue, but then realized the courage she needed was in her all along.

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Full Circle Everest, a group of seven men & women, became the first all-black group in history to summit Mount Everest. In doing so, they became the first seven black people to travel 29,000 feet without experiencing dumb racist bullshit.

A Texas woman is on the run after shooting & killing a female professional bicycle racer who she suspected of an affair with her live-in boyfriend. The suspect is expected to claim mental impairment because she, too, was about to start her cycle.

Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider said he thinks he’s played his last live show. So, in Motley Crue terms, he’ll be back on the road in a few months.

Russia permanently banned 963 Americans from ever entering the country again, including President Biden and Vice President Harris, but not Donald Trump. Trump has not announced whether or not he’ll attend any of the concert dates on the Pussy Riot reunion tour.

Ohio police pulled over a drunk Amish man, slumped over while driving a horse-drawn buggy on a public road. The driver failed an Amish field sobriety test, where he was given lumber & nails and could not raise the side of a barn.

The U.S. Southern Baptist Conference released a 300-page report detailing decades of rampant sexual abuse and cover-ups by church leaders. The Baptists and Catholics will hold a summer Bible camp so they can break the tie and decide who’s worse.

Tiger Woods withdrew from the final round of the PGA Championship, citing pain in his injured foot that was so bad, he couldn’t have parking lot sex with a Hooters hostess while standing up.

Starbucks is leaving Russia, shutting down all 130 locations. The closure is expected to have a devastating impact on CD sales for Zamfir, Master Of The Pan Flute.

Jif peanut butter products were recalled for possible salmonella contamination, leaving choosy mothers to clean up a lot of vomit.

Arby’s is selling its first-ever hamburger, the Wagyu Steakhouse Burger. The first-ever order for it was a cease-and-desist order from Japan’s Wagyu Beef Council.