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A truck scattering salt on a path at a Chicago park slid backward into Lake Michigan, which will now be named the Not-So-Great Salt Lake.

“Disney Plus” was Google’s top trending search term in 2019. Second place was a ten-thousand-way tie between “[Name of Celebrity] Naked”.

University of Phoenix agreed to cancel $141 million in student debt over deceptive advertising. “That’s great!” said Summa Cum Laude fast-food drive-thru workers.

May 21, 2021 is being dubbed “Keanu Reeves Day”, with both ‘Matrix 4’ and ‘John Wick:Chapter 4’ debuting in theatres.  May 18, 2021 is being called ‘Rob Schneider Day’ with ‘Deuce Bigalow 3’ debuting on home video in Eastern Europe.

Dan Spilo, a ‘castaway’/contestant on CBS’ ‘Survivor’, was removed from the show in Fiji for alleged off-camera incidents of “inappropriate touching”. Spilo would not comment, nor would the monkeys who lodged the complaint.

President Trump called Time Magazine’s naming of climate activist Greta Thunberg ‘Person of the Year’ “ridiculous”, saying she should “chill”. Four White House aides then fought over who should get credit for coming up with that pun.

A hacker accessed a Ring security camera that a family placed in their 8-year-old’s bedroom and harassed her via the camera’s speaker. The family was horrified, but admit the hacker did get her to clean her room.

A Lenexa, Kansas woman used christmas lights to create a giant illuminated penis on her home’s roof, before neighbors asked her to shut it off. She complied, but may turn it back on Christmas Eve, at the request of Gay Santa.

Google Assistant launched Interpreter Mode, where two users can chat on Google even if they speak different languages. It’s considered a major breakthrough for International Sexting.

A Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles office made a 78-year-old woman walk without a cane before renewing her license, causing her to fall and break her wrist. Then they wouldn’t renew her license because she couldn’t sign her name.

 

 

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A new study claims listening to classical music during operations improves surgeons speed and accuracy by 11 percent. A different study claims surgeons listening to gangster rap during operations might just be people stabbing you. [story h/t to AJFS]

Savannah Guthrie was absent from NBC’s Today Show as she underwent surgery to repair her retina, torn when her child struck it with a toy truck. Keep an eye out for her return!

Disney+ announced the first cast members for their ‘Home Alone’ reboot. The plot departs from the original, with parents deliberately leaving their kid home alone while they go on vacation, but it’s okay because he has Disney+.

The New York Yankees signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a nine-year, $324 million contract. This, after the Washington Nationals signed Stephen Strasburg to a seven-year, $245 million deal. Meanwhile, over a dozen ten-year-olds underwent elbow surgery after their dads saw those numbers and pushed them too far.

Bougainville, a collection of islands in the South Pacific, voted for independence from Papua New Guinea to become the world’s newest country. This is a second chance for the Bougainville bobsledders who just missed making the Papua New Guinea olympic team.

Climate activist Greta Thunberg is Time Magazine’s 2019 Person of the Year – edging out stiff competition from the creators of the “I’mma tell my kids this is” and “I don’t know who needs to hear this” memes.

Fuller House star Bob Saget said he will “always love” embattled co-star Lori Loughlin, and won’t “cut people out.” “Did somebody say ‘cut it out’?” said far less popular co-star Dave Coulier.

A team of professional scientists working for Major League Baseball claim the increase in 2019 home runs was due to lower seams on baseballs, and changes in players’ swing patterns. A different team of drunken bleacher scientists claimed it was because pitchers sucked.

Doctors are more frequently diagnosing Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, HSDD, a reduced sex drive and associated distress affecting one in ten women. Treatments include FDA-approved drug, Addyi, as well as husbands showering and doing the dishes.

Former ESPN reporter Britt McHenry, a contributor to Fox News streaming service Fox Nation, is suing her employer for sexual harassment. Fox responded that all blonde female employees are sexually harassed as part of new-hire orientation.

A Los Angeles court issued an injunction against Netflix, barring the streaming service from poaching employees under contract to Fox Networks. Lawyers for Netflix challenged the ruling, wondering how else they’re going to get more white people to sign up.

 

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Congressional Democrats are set to introduce the first two Articles of Impeachment against President Trump: abuse of power; and obstruction of Congress. Others are expected,  including:  spelling & grammar; potty mouth; and cheating at golf.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary named “they” the 2019 Word of the Year, edging out “he-she”.

A Philadelphia suburb is moving toward requiring homeowners to put house numbers on the back of houses. The purpose is to make the homes easier to identify for first responders, burglars, and really confused mail carriers.

Website Malwarebytes issued an editorial urging consumers not to buy and install video doorbells. They say the doorbell makers are providing too much video content to police and 3rd parties, and are vulnerable to hacks. Malwarebytes is owned by Jehovah’s Witnesses.

NASA stress-tested the fuel tank of its new Space Launch System rocket by seeing what it would take to blow a hole in it. Surprisingly, all it took was filling it with Mountain Dew.

A former Harvard geneticist wants to create a dating app based on people’s DNA. It’s the first dating app where users swap spit by mail.

An analysis by consumer research group ‘Simple. Thrifty. Living.’ finds Hawaii is the most expensive state to operate a Christmas light display. It costs an average of $46.62 in electric bills, and another $600 for the flight to get there.

A fifth grade social studies teacher in Missouri is suspended after giving students an in-class worksheet asking them to set a “price for a slave” as they learned about colonial America. Worse, she failed students who set the price too low without the inventory to back it up.

A team of Chinese researchers generated the first piglets created by combining stem cells from monkeys with fertilized pig embryos. The animals, known as pig-monkey chimeras, were called “delicious”.

Vanna White hosted ‘Wheel of Fortune’ while Pat Sajak recovers from emergency surgery. Letter-turning was handled by Minnie Mouse, who was told by producers to wear shorter, tighter dresses.

 

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As her hit song ‘Juice’ played in the arena during a Los Angeles Lakers game, singer Lizzo lifted her dress to show her thong and buttocks. Some players and fans enjoyed it, others considered it technically foul.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis advocates closing a legal loophole that allowed a Saudi national in training at a U.S. naval base to own the gun he used on a killing spree. Desantis clarified that he’s still okay with good ol’ U.S.-born lunatics shooting up public places.

President Trump tweeted Democrats have no “smocking gun” in the impeachment inquiry, leading to criticism of his misspellng on Twitter. Republicans rushed to his defense, complimenting him on the correct spelling of “gun”.

Finland’s Sanna Marin, age 34, is set to become the world’s youngest prime minister. She’s so far from her prime that they’re changing the title to Millennial Minister.

South Africa’s Zozbini Tunzi was crowned Miss Universe 2019. The only thing with more Zs than her name was the audience sleeping through the interview portion of the pageant.

Walmart Canada faces criticism for selling ugly Christmas sweaters depicting Santa, among other things, doing cocaine; getting anally probled by an alien, and warming his testicles by a fire. The sweaters are available in the stores’ Formal Wear Department.

China’s national government plans to remove foreign hardware and software from its state department. So far they’ve spent two weeks trying to find hardware that isn’t made in China.

Travel & Leisure magazine named its Top 50 vacation destinations for 2020. Number one on the list is Addis Ababa, Ethiopia – but they say to bring plenty of your own snacks.

Kentucky police seized a parcel shipped to a Louisville man’s home – an air fryer that contained 20 pounds of meth. The man was arrested and is now being treated for  addiction to french fries he made.

Family court judge Dawn Gentry of Kenton County, Kentucky, is accused of having sexual threesomes in her court chambers, as well as pressuring lawyers for sexual favors. It was so bad, instead of Your Honor, they called her You’re In Her.

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Apple is rumored to be dropping the charging port from future iPhones. Users worry that dropping anything involving an iPhone will break the screen.

The wife of Papa John’s pizza founder John Schnatter filed for divorce. They will each receive four slices.

Actor Chris Pratt apologized after Aquaman star Jason Momoa criticized him for drinking from a single-use plastic water bottle. Pratt said from now on when he drinks from one on location, he’ll piss in the empty bottle to reuse it.

The FBI warns hackers use digital assistants like Google Assistant or Amazon Alexa to access your router and steal data. They advise “microsegmenting” your home network to secure it, so go ahead and call Xfinity customer service and wait a half hour to see if they’ve heard of it.

Inc Magazine listed tips on How To Be The Most Interesting Person At Your Office Holiday Party. They include smiling, making eye contact and listening — all of which become easier if you get really wasted.

Bill Nye The Science Guy is suing Disney for $28 million, claiming he’s owed profits from his 1990s television show, and that Disney showed age bias by refusing his requests to audition for The New Mickey Mouse Club.

The 9-3 Buffalo Bills are officially selling playoff tickets, although they’re really selling parkas and boots with the tickets stuffed in them.

Disney theme parks new Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance ride is a half-hour long. Park workers get extensive training teaching 6-year-olds to use The Force to ‘hold it’ until the ride’s over.

Customers in the U.K. who ordered Nintendo Switch game consoles on Amazon claim they were mistakenly shipped condoms, tambourines and electric toothbrushes. They’ll each get the Switch they ordered, along with free copies of Mario’s Horniest Party Ever.

Serena Williams wants to have another child, and is trying to get her eggs to accept sperm instead of hitting them back.

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Congressional Democrats announced their plan to proceed with Articles of Impeachment. Republicans announced their plan to try to get Trump to read them by drafting a Pop-Up Book of Impeachment.

Hillary Clinton appeared on The Howard Stern Show and denied ever having a lesbian affair or attraction to women – despite the disappointing effect it had on 30-year-old Bill Clinton.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is stepping down. United will hold a press conference to introduce the new CEO, and for Munoz to be ceremonially dragged out of his office by flight attendants.

Walmart.com will sell the KFC Fried Chicken-scented firelog “while supplies last” – which should be a while as folks in Mississippi learn how to order stuff on the internet.

Medical journal The Lancet reports millennials with high cholesterol are at greater risk of heart attack, stroke, and getting punched out in line at Popeye’s.

New pro football league XFL debuted the uniforms and logos its teams will wear when the league kicks off in February, 2020, and which will appear on t-shirts worn by children in third-world countries later in the year.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he will not fire head coach Jason Garrett mid-season – unless the season you’re talking about is “spring”.

Website 24/7 Wall Street compiled the 40 Worst U.S. Cities to Drive In based on fatalities and traffic congestion. Nine of the top ten are in California, the other top-ten city is Seattle, and nobody at 24/7 Wall Street has ever visited New Jersey.

Sergei Brin and Larry Page, founders of Google and its parent company Alphabet, are turning over all management responsibilities to CEO Sundar Pichai. They say they’ll meet periodically with Pichai behind closed doors, piles of money, and an army of supermodels.

The Masked Singer revealed the identity of its latest eliminated contestant, former Destiny’s Child member Michelle Williams. Williams thanked the show for helping her regain confidence and to help pay Bills, Bills, Bills.

 

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Actress Anna Faris said she’s “lucky to be alive” after she and her family were sickened from carbon monoxide poisoning at a Lake Tahoe rental home. She also said her career is “lucky to be alive” after co-starring in ‘The Hot Chick’ with Rob Schneider.

This week’s powerful winter storm deposited over a foot of snow in 25 different states. It dumped so much white stuff over so much of the U.S., they named the storm El Chapo.

Rainy weather and an early frost damaged Idaho’s potato crop to the point where there may be a french fry shortage. In that event, shipment priority for fries will be given to the McDonald’s closest to The White House.

Instagram account @PassengerShaming posted a photo of an American flight that allowed a pony in the cabin as a passenger’s support animal. Other passengers were outraged, as were flight attendants who were asked to help the horse take its shoes off.

Susan Weddle, a 40-year-old Florida teacher, is accused of having sex with her son’s 15-year-old friend ‘several hundred times’.  “Where does she find the TIME?!” asked other busy teachers who can only squeeze in sex with students once or twice a month.

The NHL New Jersey Devils fired head coach John Hynes following a 7-1 loss in Buffalo. Hynes offered no comment but is said to be relieved the Devils are not in his detail.

Exes Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck allegedly argued outside of her house the day after Thanksgiving. She prefers stuffing outside of the bird, and he demands stuffing in them.

NASA cameras spotted the site where India’s Moon Lander crashed two months ago. It was right next to India’s Moon Tow Truck.

Google Photos launched a new private messaging feature, where you can share a photo with another Google Photos user, then have an ongoing chat about your breasts or penis.

Police captured two of the four teenage boys who escaped from a Nashville juvenile detention facility. The others remain at large, and cops are preparing for a tense standoff outside of Dave & Busters.

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Apple named the most popular apps of 2019. The number one paid iPad app was digital design tool Procreate. The number one iPad activity was watching couples Procreate on porn sites.

Ring admitted they gave police departments maps of installed video doorbells for over a year. They also admitted giving maps of failed video doorbell installs to electricians who actually know what they’re doing.

  • Police departments say they only use the doorbell footage to investigate crime, but dogs say it violates their privacy while they piss on the front steps.

Sony Playstation received a Guinness World Record for top-selling gaming console of all time. The award was accepted by Crash Bandicoot, who then jumped to his death.

Forbes Magazine claims studio execs in charge of the DC Cinematic Universe don’t know what to do with the ‘Superman’ franchise to make him relevant to modern audiences. They’re considering having the Man of Steel identify as Wonder Woman.

North Korea warned the United States if nuclear talks aren’t resumed by December 31st, the U.S. can expect a “nasty Christmas gift.” In related news, North Korea prepaid shipping to the District of Columbia for thousands of Chia Pets.

Chicago’s Police Superintendent, Eddie Johnson, was fired following an investigation of an October incident where he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV. Johnson claimed he had changed his blood pressure medication – from Diovan to Hennessy.

McDonald’s is testing a new fried chicken sandwich in two cities – Houston, Texas and Knoxville, Tennessee.  Houston & Knoxville were selected after representatives from each city won title fights in Popeye’s parking lots.

Growers of the new ‘Cosmic Crisp’ apple say it can last up to a year. They’ve even devised a system where grocery store produce managers message you a year after you buy them, reminding you to throw them out.

Marvel Studios released the first teaser trailer for ‘Black Widow’, along with teaser excuses why it won’t sell as many tickets as their other movies.

WalletHub compiled a list of the 20 Least Safe Cities in the U.S. The most unsafe city in the country? St. Louis. It’s so bad that there, WalletHub changed its name to StolenWalletHub.

 

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The FBI is warning hackers can exploit vulnerabilities in internet-connected “Smart TVs”. They added that most Americans don’t need to worry because they only watch dumb shows.

‘Van Halen’ is trending on Twitter after singer Billie Eilish told a talk show host she didn’t know who they are. Worse, she did know Van Hagar.

The White House declined Congressional Democrats’ invitation to participate in Impeachment Hearings on Wednesday –  criticizing the process, and adding they conflict with a scheduled appearance of Miss Universe on Fox & Friends.

Melania Trump debuted the White House Christmas decorations in a theme called “The Spirit of America” – it’s a bunch of trees decorated in white trying to keep trees decorated in color outside.

American Airlines grounded a flight out of Florida after a woman faked an illness to get a better seat.  The woman was removed from the flight, and the dog she was sitting next to got the whole crate to himself.

American Hockey League defenseman Josh Healey has developed an app that lets players report abusive coaches and agents anonymously. It also offers tutorials on how to pull their shirt over their head and punch them while on skates.

Ikea is helping to design habitats for future human colonists living on Mars. They figure if they make the furniture even more frustrating to assemble, the colonists will forget they’re living on Mars.

The U.K. Office for National Statistics lowered the life expectancy for babies born in 2019 to 90.6 years, down from 93.6.  They cite overly optimistic prior estimates, and really, really, bad British baby food.

After numerous complaints, Amazon stopped selling Christmas tree ornaments featuring pictures of Auschwitz concentration camp. Your last chance to get one is the White Elephant/Yankee Swap with the racist guy at your office holiday party.

Actress Gabrielle Union claims her contract as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’ wasn’t renewed because producers deemed her hairstyles “too black” and called her “difficult”. She regrets not being there this season to watch people play Yankee Doodle on their armpits and duct-tape their balls to the back of their neck.

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The FBI raided the New Jersey home of YouTube star Omar “Omi in a Hellcat” Carrasquillo, seizing over 30 high-end cars and other belongings for alleged tax evasion. On the bright side, Omi’s seizure video went viral, and all the FBI agents liked and subscribed.

Comcast/Xfinity released a four-minute commercial starring E.T. and Henry Thomas as Elliott, reprising their roles from the beloved 80s film. The visit backfires on Comcast as E.T. returns to space and rigs free satellite TV for Elliott.

Randi Chaverria, a 36-year-old family & consumer science teacher in Texas who won Teacher of the Year last May, resigned amidst allegations she performed oral sex on a student in her classroom. When she finished, the other students asked if that was going to be on the test.

President Trump made a surprise visit to Afghanistan, telling troops that talks with the Taliban have restarted over a possible peace “deal”. Details are scarce, but are believed to center on the Taliban investigating Pete Buttigieg in exchange for a lot of goats.

The FDA issued a warning for so-called “opioid withdrawal” products, sold under the names Detoxoplex, Sinoplex and Keurig.

A couple who learned their Denny’s waitress walked 14 miles to and from work to save money returned after their meal and gave the waitress a 2011 Nissan Sentra. The waitress finished her shift and was ticketed for driving without insurance.

Ole Miss football WR Elijah Moore was penalized for doing an all-fours urinating dog celebration in the end zone following a touchdown. Moore would have been given a bad dog timeout, but the coach was out of them.

Some Walmart shoppers are threatening to boycott the stores after it was revealed workers don’t receive extra pay to work on Thanksgiving. However, most Walmart shoppers asked each other what “boycott” means.

  • Some stores such as Macy’s, Target & JCPenney pay overtime for holiday work. KMart does not, but they have something called Going Out Of Business Pay.

Military aircraft were scrambled when radar detected an unknown “slow moving blob” approaching air space near the White House. It has yet to be identified, with speculation that it was either a large flock of birds, or Attorney General William Barr hang-gliding.

Philadelphia Eagles QB Carson Wentz and his wife Madison are expecting a child. The completed pass to her egg raised Wentz’s QB Rating for the first time in a month.