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Actor Burt Reynolds died of complications from cardiac arrest. When hospital workers asked if there was anything they could do to make him more comfortable before he passed away, Reynolds told them to burn every copy of ‘Cop And A Half’.

Starbucks will soon start selling espresso in Italy – not because Italians need better espresso, they just need more locations where they can act like dicks ordering it.

Major hotel chains Marriott and Hyatt are giving employees ‘Panic buttons’ to use if they feel they’re in danger of assault or harassment. The panic buttons are also being given out at Red Roof Inns, to both desk clerks and “frequent guests” interacting with truckers.

The next star of ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’ will be Colton Underwood, a 26-year-old former football player who is a virgin. Producers want to know if he plans to give roses to women virgins competing for his affection on the show, so they can cut the flower budget.

A case study in the New England Journal of Medicine documents a woman contracting a condition known as ‘black hairy tongue’ upon taking a combination of antibiotics after a car accident. The antibiotics worked fine, but caused the woman to want to obsessively groom her cat.

Uber and Lyft are expanding their services to offer electric scooter rentals. Both companies say they’ll also hire employees to maintain & recharge the scooters, and to sexually harass renters.

The New York Times reports that the White House is eyeing 12 persons as possible authors of the anonymous ‘Resistance Letter’ op-ed published in the New York Times — and the New York Times is saying they might not want to waste time on 11 of them.

Missouri’s College of the Ozarks removed Nike logos from its sports teams uniforms in protest of Nike’s utilizing Colin Kaepernick as a spokesperson. Nike is currently assessing the brand impact of the logo not being seen by the 14 people expected to watch College of the Ozarks big football game against Missouri Southeast Baptist Tech.

Video of a brawl at a Chick-fil-A in Washington DC has gone viral. A 55-year-old customer reportedly yelled at others, then jumped behind the counter where he was punched by a 27-year–old employee. Despite the employee’s action defending co-workers, he was terminated because he wasn’t chicken.

At Miss America preliminaries, Miss Virginia responded to a question about football players kneeling for the national anthem, saying that “it’s not about kneeling; it is…about police brutality.” Asked whether or not she would kneel, Miss Mississippi said “not until the fifth or sixth date.”

 

 

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Actress Dawn Wells – Mary Ann from ‘Gilligan’s Island’ – is $200k in debt. Her friends started a GoFundMe to help the actress pay medical bills and recover money she lost from bad investments, like funding the Professor’s coconut-powered furnace.

Actor Geoffrey Owens from The Cosby Show – whose story went viral after he was spotted working at a Trader Joe’s – has been offered work by filmmaker Tyler Perry on a show for the Oprah Winfrey Network. Owens has yet to respond, but is reportedly disappointed at not being cast in Perry’s other project, ‘Madea Goes to Trader Joe’s.’

30 more people have reportedly become ill from salmonella-contaminated boxes of Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal. The Centers for Disease Control have expanded the cereal’s recall – purchasers are asked to return boxes with specific date codes, and that feature Dig ‘Em the Frog’s cartoon cousin, Puke ‘Em.

Viral video is circulating from a kid’s birthday party in Baton Rouge, where someone in a Minnie Mouse costume teaches kids to twerk while hip-hop songs play, including ‘Show Me How You Ride That D**k’.  The video shows the kids having a great time, but cuts out before Goofy makes it rain and Daisy Duck puts ’em on the glass.

Kim Kardashian visited the White House again to discuss prison reform and the release of Chris Young, jailed for life on non-violent drug charges. President Trump quickly got bored, stared at Kim’s chest and asked if she was interested in releasing two other prisoners.

The New York Times published an anonymous letter from someone claiming to be a senior Trump Administration official, alleging to work with other insiders to resist Trump’s agenda from the inside. Speculation abounds as to the author’s identity, with many insisting it’s the White House cleaning lady hiding the tv remote so Trump can’t watch Fox News.

Domino’s Pizza in Russia offered 100 free pizzas a year for life if followers tattooed the Domino’s logo on their body and shared it on social media. Domino’s halted the promo due to overwhelming response, proving Russia has a serious problem with bad pizza and bad tattoos.

According to dating website Match, singles in San Antonio, Atlanta and Baltimore spend the most money on dating every year, from $2,200-$2500.  That includes food, entertainment and, in Baltimore’s case, self-defense classes & weaponry.

7000 insects, spiders and lizards were reported missing from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion. No one knows what happened to the creatures, but the rats occupying a neighboring cheesesteak restaurant have reportedly hired lawyers.

Dunkin Donuts apologized for sending Philadelphia Eagles cups to New England-area stores, instead of the New England Patriots cups those stores usually get. No word on whether they’ll apologize for the beverages that they put in the cups.

 

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A South Carolina woman was charged with murder after poisoning her late husband with eye drops – which he totally did not see coming.

A truck carrying Axe body spray crashed in Texas, sending the product all over an area highway. This was bad news for cleanup crews, and good news for the shy raccoon with no game who finally got the ladies’ attention with his new scent.

Nike chose embattled former NFL qb Colin Kaepernick to be the face of its new ‘Just Do It’ campaign, leading to protests from those who oppose his national anthem protests. Some posted videos burning Nike shoes and apparel – several kids were injured trying to snatch the burning shoes rather than wearing the ones their Moms got them at Payless.

An Emirates Airline jet from Dubai to New York was quarantined post-landing Wednesday after 10 passengers aboard reported feeling ill. Some say that passengers picked up at a stop in Mecca brought the flu on board – others blamed the Baba Ghannouj breakfast sandwiches that Emirates borrowed from Spirit Airlines.

In Iowa, a 50-year-old man accidentally shot his 55-year-old brother on the first day of squirrel hunting season. The victim was treated for non-life-threatening injuries, and said it was partially his fault for trying to get sunflower seeds out of a bird feeder.

NASA is reportedly considering raising money for future missions by selling the naming rights for launches to marketing partners. Branding experts are hesitant, saying nobody wants to be asking a friend in 15 years where they were when the Cap’n Crunch Shuttle exploded…

The National Hockey League is reportedly asking that Washington Capitals players – each of whom gets a day with the Stanley Cup – not do “keg stands”, or, inverted beer chugging, out of it. The NHL is worried about damage to the trophy, and less worried that players will slip and knock their teeth out.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop brand paid $145,000 in civil penalties in California for falsely claiming that Jade and Rose Quartz stone “vaginal eggs” would, when placed in the vagina, improve bladder control, boost orgasms and regulate hormones. Family-minded women buying them also said that the eggs were “impossible to fertilize”.

Kim Kardashian is making another trip to the White House, this time attempting to free 30-year-old Chris Young, a convicted drug dealer serving a life sentence. This will be Kardashian’s second meeting in the Oval Office, moving her two ahead of Melania.

Rumors surfaced that Melania Trump’s “kidney operation” earlier this year may have actually been another enlargement surgery for her breasts. The rumors were fueled by photos of the First Lady in a snug top, showing off her kidney-shaped bosom.

 

 

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Southern Methodist University professor Ryan Murphy ranked U.S. states having the highest concentration of psychopaths. The state with the most? Connecticut. Because apparently the District of Columbia counts Congress and the President as visitors.

China is reportedly recruiting U.S. spies via LinkedIn — then, dropping them if they update their LinkedIn profile to read Chinese Government Spy.

For the third consecutive year, In-N-Out Burger has donated at least $25,000 to the California Republican Party, leading some Democrats to call for a boycott. In an attempt to capitalize on the negative publicity, rival burger chain Jack In The Box donated $25,000 to victims of families who died eating at Jack In The Box.

Senator John McCain’s body was flown from Arizona to Washington DC to lie in state at the Capitol. His plane crossed paths with Air Force One, which flew the President to lie in a rally in Indiana.

WSAZ-TV meteorologist Chelsea Ambriz was charged with misdemeanor battery after she shoved down station news anchor Erica Bivens during a fight, fracturing her skull. Bivens allegedly accused Ambriz of hitting on her husband, and Ambriz used a fast-moving high-pressure system to deck Bivens.

A brawl broke out on an easyJet flight from London to Ibiza after a woman passenger allegedly “gave lap dances”, flashed her breasts, and did cartwheels down the plane aisle. An easyJet spokesperson said that the offending passenger and her friends were escorted off the plane, and that registrations for easyJet’s Frequent Flyer program are up 5000%.

Nicki Minaj appeared on ‘Ellen’ and said that she’s dating two men at the same time – she’s assigned them separate butt cheeks, and they’ve never met each other.

Adults in the U.S. consumed more than 17 billion “binge drinks” in the U.S. in 2015 [the most recent data available] according to the Centers for Disease Control. Binge drinks are defined as 5 or more within two hours.  Experts claim the number is really higher, citing the difficulty keeping track of funnels and butt-chugs.

An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll cites 54% of Americans believe kneeling during the national anthem is ‘not appropriate’. Although 98% of NFL fans believe that sitting in a recliner during the anthem with nacho cheese and tortilla crumbs on your shirt is still okay.

Ariana Grande and fiancée Pete Davidson reportedly have matching pink Motorola Razr flip phones, so they can each imagine calling each other when they were 12 years old.

 

 

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A UPS driver’s failed delivery note to a North Carolina household has gone viral. Unable to deliver the package, the driver left a company-issued post-it stuck in the mailbox reading “bear in driveway”. The homeowner wasn’t upset, but regrets hiring the bear to wash her car.

Kyle Greene, an independent candidate for Minnesota state representative released a controversial campaign ad where he states “I want to be your n***er.” Minnesota racists expressed their pleasure with a more effective use of tax dollars.

The New York Police Department sent its official beekeeper to remove a swarm of bees that descended on a hot dog cart in the middle of Times Square. The bees were there to express their outrage at tourists asking for ketchup to put on their hot dogs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics updated guidelines for placing children in rear-facing car seats. Old guidelines stipulated children ride in rear-facing seats until age 2; now the Academy says parents should continue to use rear-facing seats as long as children can comfortably fit in them and vomit on road trips.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo debated fellow Democratic gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon at Hofstra University on Wednesday night. Nixon’s team unsuccessfully asked the room temperature be raised from 69 to 76 degress, calling cold work environments “sexist”. Cuomo’s team thought that Nixon, a lesbian, would be okay at 69.

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill designating surfing as the official state sport – disappointing those who had lobbied for the official sport to be either skateboarding, or bitching about Nancy Pelosi.

China’s largest search engine, Baidu, is suing a Chinese comedian – known only as Sun -for posting a joke making fun of Baidu’s CEO Robin Li. The comedian is wondering if Baidu hated the joke so much, how did it end up so high in search results?

U.S. startup Lime is now offering rentals of its electric scooters in Paris, allowing pedestrians to smell that familiar breeze of Parisians not wearing deodorant to come at them even faster.

Sears kicked off store-closing liquidation sales at 13 KMarts and 33 Sears department store locations – for anyone interested in seeing 80-year-old women fighting over the last pair of size 4 stretch pants.

Aretha Franklin’s funeral will be 6 1/2 hours long, featuring multiple musical performances, eulogies, and an appearance by Tyler Perry. Perry chose not to appear as Madea since he was worried mourners would think Franklin had come back to life.

 

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European airline TUI Airways is being criticized for sexism — giving out Future Pilot stickers to young male passengers and Future Cabin Crew stickers to young female passengers. Worse, they’re being accused of racism for passing out Future Terrorist stickers to some children.

Safari tourists at Kruger National Park in South Africa stared in disbelief as the largest pride of lions ever recorded there — 15 in all — walked past the tour group. The tourists filmed while the leader of the pride asked “seen any wildebeests?” then left shaking his head as the tourists said ‘no’.

President Trump said that Google search results for the term “Trump News” were “rigged” to show negative coverage from mainstream news outlets.  Google denied it, but the top search results for “Tramp News” are nude pictures from Melania’s modeling career.

Bob Costas is rumored to be leaving NBC Sports after nearly 40 years. Costas is said to want to work elsewhere on a sports journalism show, while NBC is looking to save money spent coloring Costas’ hair.

John McCain’s body will lie in state at the U.S. Capitol on Sunday, with additional memorials planned for Arizona and the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis. Not to be outdone, President Trump announced that when he dies he’ll lie in state at the McDonald’s drive-thru near the White House.

Twitter announced it had shut down an additional 484 accounts this week for what it called ‘coordinated manipulation’ by an overseas misinformation network. Donald Trump was allowed to keep his @realdonaldtrump account despite Twitter finding him guilty of ‘uncoordinated manipulation’.

For the first time in 50 years, a future NASA astronaut quit in the middle of the two-year training program. 34-year-old Robb Kulin cited ‘personal reasons’ for his decision, although the other members of his training class said he just spaced out.

Dr Gail Bolan, head of the Centers for Disease Control’s Division for STD Prevention, said that sexually transmitted disease in the U.S. hit record levels for the fourth straight year. “After decades of declining STD rates, we’ve been sliding backwards” Bolan said. This confused teenagers with gonorrhea and syphilis, who said they got it sliding forward and backwards.

A magnitude 4.4 earthquake hit Southern California Tuesday evening, during an MLB game between the Colorado Rockies and Los Angeles Angels. Umpires called a balk when the pitcher’s mound moved.

Ariana Grande will perform at Aretha Franklin’s funeral. Morticians promptly bumped up the width of the late singer’s casket to provide her more room to spin in it.

 

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Bocco, a chimpanzee at the Miami Zoo, died unexpectedly at age 28. Chimpanzees life spans average between 50 and 60 years. A necropsy is scheduled to review cause of death, but investigators are using sign language to ask questions of Bocco’s ex-girlfriend, who was seen throwing her feces at him earlier in the day.

A 10-year-old boy was punished for calling his fifth-grade teacher “ma’am”, having to write “ma’am” four times on each line of a sheet of paper. The student’s parents objected, and had him assigned to a different teacher. As the boy left, he presented his old teacher with the phrase “later, bitch” written four times on every line of a sheet of paper.

ESPN’s morning talk show flop, ‘Get Up’, is scaling back from three hours to two, and is losing co-host Michelle Beadle. Beadle will relocate to Los Angeles to host her own show, ‘Get Lost’.

Louis CK performed stand-up at New York’s Comedy Cellar on Sunday night, the first time he’s performed since admitting to sexual harassment and masturbating in front of women. The audience was reportedly happy to see him pull out some new material.

According to Hollywood trade website TheWrap, Ben Affleck may lose his Batman role due to post-rehab insurance costs. Hearing the news, Henry ‘Superman’ Cavill, Gal ‘Wonder Woman’ Gadot, and Jesse ‘Lex Luthor’ Eisenberg have all started drinking to see if they, too, could lose their jobs in future DC Comics universe movies.

President Trump changed course and re-lowered the White House flag to half staff in honor of deceased Senator and decorated war veteran John McCain. Melania Trump has also hidden the President’s medication to keep him at half-staff or below for the foreseeable future.

New data from low-income lender Earnin says that Netflix’ latest price hike to $13.99/month may have scared away low-income consumers, especially the ones who can’t afford internet service or a television.

A Canadian woman’s profanity-laced Facebook post has gone viral, after she canceled her wedding because invited guests refused to pay a $1,500/person “attendance fee.” People on the guest list claim that the plan may have actually worked, if the reception not had a cash bar.

Tabitha Frost, 29, a California mom with hyperlactation syndrome — overproduction of breast milk – has donated over 1,000 pints of breast milk to mothers having difficulty producing. She pumps every three hours, which she likens to a full-time job. Frost says she also sells milk to pay to clean the shirts of friends that she hugs.

Eddie Murphy’s girlfriend Paige Butcher is pregnant with his 10th child – or, the 11th showing of Eddie Murphy Raw.

 

 

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A Newark, New Jersey high school installed a laundry room, after poorer students were bullied and teased for wearing dirty clothes. Students now use the laundry room frequently, but school security now reports having to deal with fights between the rival Downy and Snuggle gangs.

A new study in medical journal The Lancet concludes there is no level of alcohol consumption that is beneficial for your health – citing accidents, impaired judgment, and negative effects on major organs. Doctors who authored the study weren’t sure at first that it was accurate, but then they drank a few shots and were totally confident in it.

Angelina Jolie has changed divorce lawyers, citing creative differences.

Disney announced the name of their new Netflix-rival streaming service will be called ‘Disney Play’, named after what kids won’t be doing while using it.

Actor/director Asia Argento has been fired as a judge on ‘X Factor Italy’ after reports that she paid a six-figure settlement to a 17-year-old boy with whom she had sex. However, Argento has been offered a new gig on ‘XXX Factor’.

Brandon Johnson – singer Demi Lovato’s alleged drug dealer – said in an interview with TMZ that Lovato “100 percent knew (the strength of) what she was taking” on the night she overdosed. Johnson has established a unique place in the drug-dealing community by doing media interviews about being a drug dealer.

Yanise Ho, 23, calling herself ‘The Bladress’, is Rollerblading from Miami to New York to Portland by herself to promote female empowerment. She carries a 43-pound backpack and will only accept food, shelter and skate parts from strangers – no money. She said her biggest issues are shoulder and foot pain, and hanging on to the backs of tractor-trailers for long periods of time.

Dancing With The Stars pro dancer Witney Carson had a malignant mole removed from the top of her foot after a biopsy revealed it was melanoma. She has a favorable prognosis for recovery, but for the near future, her two-step will really be more of a one-step.

A 1962 Ferrari 250 GTO sold for $48 million at auction – a world record for any car ever sold at auction. The anonymous buyer is shilling out another million to have all the trees cut down on his driveway for when his teen son drives it.

The U.S. and Mexico have tentatively struck a new trade deal that could reshape economic relations from NAFTA related to auto manufacturing. The U.S. has seen its volume of vehicles manufactured drop – the new deal would potentially restore that number, and create jobs for Mexican immigrant children separated from their parents.

 

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Former NFL lineman Richie Incognito was arrested at his father’s funeral for threatening funeral home employees– he reportedly was so deranged that he “wanted his father’s head cut off for research purposes”.  Funeral employees offered to cut Richie’s head off also as a 2-for-1 special, and let mourners guess whose brain shows signs of CTE.

National Inquirer tabloid CEO David Pecker was granted immunity in exchange for his testimony into Donald Trump’s alleged hush payments to women during the 2016 presidential election. Bill Clinton told friends he wishes he’d been granted ‘pecker immunity’ to avoid impeachment in the 90s.

The State Department orders a travel advisory for Americans headed to Mexico after 8 dead bodies were found near Cancun. Mexican officials called the 8 murders “a light day”.

A Florida judge who was arrested on firearms charges last week reportedly shot and killed himself amid a hostage standoff with police, but only after calling for a lengthy recess.

President Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani said that Americans “would revolt” if Trump gets impeached. “We would, but who has time cause we all have great jobs!” said sarcastic Americans.

GOP Rep. Duncan Hunter, indicted for stealing $250,000 in campaign funds for personal use, threw his wife Margaret under the bus, saying she was in charge of family and campaign expenses. It’s the first sign that Hunter’s legal team will be using the “Women Be Shoppin!” defense strategy.

President Trump told Fox & Friends that he thinks “flipping” – prosecution leniency in exchange for witness testimony – should be illegal. Trump appeared on the show holding a Glock while wearing a “snitches get stitches” wifebeater & a black nylon do-rag.

Physical therapists report a rise in treatment of injuries suffered while texting and walking — including sprains, concussions from falls, and massive total-body trauma from being hit by people texting and driving.

Netflix is testing advertisements that run between episodes and movies. Some users are outraged, while others are frustrated at not being able to binge watch old ladies falling who can’t get up.

Shares of Korean casino corporation Landing International crashed by 50% after word that the company’s CEO, Yang Zhihui, was missing and unreachable. Panic ensued after a company spokesperson said that they’ve “looked everywhere – even the Champagne Room.”

 

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New England Patriots QB Tom Brady is trying out a new helmet, since his old model is being phased out by the NFL for not offering sufficient protection. The new helmet has a protective panel in front – if an opposing player creates a breeze near it, the yellow flag automatically flies out of the referee’s pocket.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has issued a cease & desist letter to President Trump’s attorneys, demanding that Aerosmith songs no longer be played at the President’s rallies – as was the case this week in West Virginia, when ‘Livin On the Edge’ played before the event. Kid Rock said Trump could use his music – but attendees begged Trump not to.

Three men in Clearfield County, Pennsylvania are accused of sexually abusing dogs, horses, a cow and a goat more than 1,000 times. Authorities confiscated a “large volume of homemade videos” — along with a giant stash of peanut butter, several bottles of Polo cologne, and size XXXXXXL lingerie.

Students at Harriman Middle School in Tennessee started the school year by leaving brightly-colored notes with positive messages all around the school. Notes say things like “if you believe it or not, someone loves you”; “never give up – stay strong”; & “here’s a map with the fastest way out of Tennessee.”

A Harvard professor’s video calling coconut oil “pure poison” has gone viral. Coconut oil has a higher concentration of saturated fat than butter, beef fat or pork lard. The Harvard findings were disputed by The Professor on Gilligan’s Island, who claims coconut oil is necessary for survival.

Netflix will debut a new game show, ‘Flinch’, where contestants must follow one simple rule: do not flinch. So far, all of the contestants have been eliminated after being shown the first few minutes of Amy Schumer: The Leather Special.

A Democratic congressman from Texas has called for President Trump to resign or be impeached. “This is a sad time for our country” said Representative Al Green. His words were rebutted by a Republican congressman, who told Al Green “let’s stay together”.

Vidanta, a collection of premier destination resorts across Mexico, is offering a $120,000/year job to a lucky applicant to be their Brand Ambassador. A spokesman said the selected applicant will “immerse themselves in each of our resort destinations”. Candidates who ace the interview will also be asked to fly home with several condoms full of confectioners sugar in their lower intestine.

Ben Affleck has reportedly checked into rehab for a third time after wife Jennifer Garner staged an intervention. It’s Garner’s first time directing.

Kim Kardashian says she’s “really proud” of her 116-pound figure — adding that since each breast and buttock weighs 30 pounds, she’s had to suck a lot of helium.