By |

Actress Busy Phillips said she and her husband have been separated for a year. He’s still been getting busy, but has not been getting Busy.

A truck crashed in western Pennsylvania, spilling 15,000 pounds of hot dog filler on to a highway. Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs announced their July 4th hot dog eating contest was being moved from Coney Island to a highway in western Pennsylvania.

The FDA is investigating a hepatitis A outbreak lined to organic strawberries. Consumers are advised to discard any berries they’ve purchased, and not to eat Grandma’s hepatitis shortcake.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s husband was charged with DUI after crashing his Porsche in Napa Valley, California – proving she can drive both Republicans and Democrats to drink.

A man at the Louvre Museum in Paris threw cake at the famous Mona Lisa. She stopped smiling because she knows it’s going straight to her hips.

A golden tabernacle valued at $2 million was stolen from a Brooklyn church. Priests are furious because they planned to sell it themselves to fund vacations with altar boys to Fire Island.

The World Health Organization said it’s unlikely the current monkeypox outbreak will lead to another global pandemic. However, they’re concerned that banana growers will be unable to keep up with the number of victims getting ‘long monkeypox’.

Sonic Drive-In workers at a Georgia restaurant were shocked when they found a three-and-a-half-foot snake living behind the deep fryer. The non-venomous ball python was easily captured since it was comatose from tater tot ingestion.

China’s Zheng Qinwen’s quest for an upset of top-ranked Iga Swiatek at tennis’s French Open was derailed when she experienced menstrual cramps after taking the first set, then losing. “I wish I were a man”, Zheng said. “So do we” said her parents.

More than 1 billion methamphetamine pills were seized by authorities in East and Southeast Asia last year as the region’s production of illegal synthetic drugs soars. In other news, the Governor of West Virginia announced a landmark trade deal with East and Southeast Asian nations.

By |

Closing arguments are underway in the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp trial, leaving a court to decide whether the bed-pooper defamed the drunken pirate, vice-versa, or both.

A Japanese man spent $15,000 on a lifelike costume to look like a border collie. However, he still can’t lick his own balls. [story h/t to J !]

Paris Hilton wants to be “Queen of the Metaverse”. Since most adults don’t know what the Metaverse is, or have plans to spend any time there, that’s fine by them.

Timothy Hale-Cusinelli, a New Jersey native on trial for breaching the Capitol in the January 6th insurrection, told a judge he was from New Jersey, and effectively too dumb to know there was a building called the Capitol. “I’ll allow it” said the judge. [Another story h/t to J !]

Public outrage is mounting over the slow response by Uvalde, Texas police to the fatal elementary school shooting. A Uvalde cop asked for the public’s understanding, citing the challenge of simultaneous response to a mass shooting, while also planning a Memorial Day chicken barbecue with the fire department.

Lee Greenwood, Don McLean & Larry Gatlin all cancelled their concerts at the Houston NRA Convention. If you want to see old white geezers sing to hillbilly dipshits in Texas, you’ll have to wait for Motley Crue’s Stadium Tour.

K-Pop superstars BTS will make an appearance at the White House on May 31st to close out Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Aides are briefing Joe Biden to prevent him asking which of them know Kim Jong Un.

Netflix added a viewer warning to the beginning of new ‘Stranger Things’ episodes in the wake of the Uvalde shooting, since the show contains scenes with dead children. Texas Senator Ted Cruz introduced new legislation banning Demogorgons in schools.

Chicago raised its COVID risk level to ‘high’ on Thursday – making it the only time in recent history residents are hoping for more shots in Chicago.

Ellen Degeneres got choked up while recording the final episode of her daytime talk show, Ellen. As opposed to production assistants throughout the years, who just got choked.

By |

Texas gubernatorial candidate Beto O’ Rourke interrupted Gov. Greg Abbott’s postmortem press briefing about the Uvalde school shooting to demand change. An angry Abbott threatened to punch his ass.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt signed a restrictive statewide abortion ban in to law. As part of his commitment to saving lives, he’ll next sign a statewide ban on tornados.

The National Rifle Association banned guns from its convention in Texas. Sales projections at on-site souvenir stands were cut dramatically.

Scientists created a tiny robot crab that can stand on the side of a penny. The robot crab is also the result of poor robot hygiene.

United Kingdom law enforcement charged actor Kevin Spacey with four counts of sexual assault. He’ll stand trial once he completes training to learn a British accent.

Nancy Brophy, a romance novelist who authored ‘How To Murder Your Husband‘, was convicted of murdering her husband. Brophy awaits sentencing while writing her follow-up, ‘How To Successfully Appeal A Conviction For Murdering Your Husband’.

Baz Luhrmann’s biopic ‘Elvis‘ premiered at the Cannes film festival to mostly favorable reviews, with some critics saying it could use a little less conversation and a little more action.

Kim Kardashian apologized to her family for years of ex-husband Kanye West’s verbal attacks on them, saying she wished she’d done so earlier, but that many of the incidents happened between their E! show and their Hulu show.

Experts claim the current outbreak of monkeypox happened because warning signs – including a large outbreak in Nigeria in 2017 – were ignored. Doctors also ignored other warning signs, but were too arrogant to take the advice of monkeys.

A woman is suing Celebrity Cruises, saying the blood transfusion she received while on board was infected with HIV. Celebrity has yet to respond to the allegations, but announced they were shutting down the Blood Buffet on all ships.

By |

Hyundai recalled thousands of Accent & Elantra vehicles over the risk of shrapnel injuries from exploding seat belts during collisions. In the interim, owners are advised to not use the seat belts, and fly to safety through the windshield.

Aerosmith postponed some Las Vegas concert dates as sober frontman Steven Tyler entered rehab. In other news, Motley Crue announced their Stadium Tour remains on schedule, as frontman Vince Neil successfully maintained his alcohol and cheeseburger intake.

Adam Sandler posed for photos with a woman after the two were involved in a fender-bender in Los Angeles. The woman was in good spirits, saying it wasn’t nearly as bad a wreck as the time she paid to see Jack & Jill.

Caitlyn Jenner was reportedly not invited to stepdaughter Kourtney Kardashian’s wedding to Travis Barker in Italy. Jenner assumed she’d be on the guest list since it required a trans Atlantic flight.

According to a Southern Baptist Convention report on clergy sex abuse, 44 women made claims against the same Jacksonville pastor, Darrell Gillyard. They were all even more angry when Gillyard declared a 45th woman the winner of the church bake-off.

Walmart apologized for selling Great Value Juneteenth ice cream. They promised to pull it from stores – but that doing so has nothing to do with their new Great Value Red Velvet Cheesecake baby formula.

Instagram announced a ‘full visual refresh’ – with new branding, logo & typeface. Then admitted it’s not exactly a “full” refresh since you can still count on the same ol’ same ol’ boobs.

Kate Moss testified at the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp defamation trial, saying under oath that Depp never pushed her down a flight of stairs during their relationship, but that somehow she did manage to walk into six open doors because she’s so clumsy.

This Is Us aired its final episode. Producers are in negotiations to air reruns as That Was Us.

The CDC says 1 in 5 COVID survivors will develop long COVID. And if the other 4 out of 5 are smart, they’ll at least get a really long weekend out of it.

By |

Colin Cantwell, designer of Star Wars’ Death Star, passed away at age 90. More bad news, he asked to have his ashes spread on his home planet of Alderaan.

Noah Thompson won Season 20 of American Idol. He received congratulatory messages from 19 previous winners, 2 of which he’d actually heard of.

Florida confirmed its first case of Monkeypox, but it was quickly eradicated by several local strains of herpes.

The last public pay phones in New York City were removed, leaving locals confused about who they should call for a good time.

The City of Philadelphia will spend $13 million to dredge the Schuylkill River, reuniting hundreds of local families with their grandparents.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed will boycott the city’s Pride Parade, opposing a ban on city police participating in the parade in uniform. Worse, the ban also means all of the Village People can’t be in it either.

Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band announced a 2023 World Tour – the first ever where a majority of ticket sales are purchased by withdrawals from 401[k]s.

Princeton University fired Classics professor Joshua Katz for failing to disclose a sexual relationship with a student 15 years ago. Katz defended his actions, saying he did fully detail the relationship in a 2007 issue of Dear Penthouse Forum: Classics.

Three Americans at a Sandals resort in the Bahamas died of carbon monoxide poisoning, according to a Bahamas medical examiner – contradicting the findings of Sandals house doctor, who had ruled they’d passed of a fun overdose.

The auction of a dress worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard Of Oz was blocked by a judge, because of a dispute over its current ownership. A woman claims the dress was owned by her late uncle, who died in 1986. She wasn’t going to sue, but then realized the courage she needed was in her all along.

By |

Full Circle Everest, a group of seven men & women, became the first all-black group in history to summit Mount Everest. In doing so, they became the first seven black people to travel 29,000 feet without experiencing dumb racist bullshit.

A Texas woman is on the run after shooting & killing a female professional bicycle racer who she suspected of an affair with her live-in boyfriend. The suspect is expected to claim mental impairment because she, too, was about to start her cycle.

Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider said he thinks he’s played his last live show. So, in Motley Crue terms, he’ll be back on the road in a few months.

Russia permanently banned 963 Americans from ever entering the country again, including President Biden and Vice President Harris, but not Donald Trump. Trump has not announced whether or not he’ll attend any of the concert dates on the Pussy Riot reunion tour.

Ohio police pulled over a drunk Amish man, slumped over while driving a horse-drawn buggy on a public road. The driver failed an Amish field sobriety test, where he was given lumber & nails and could not raise the side of a barn.

The U.S. Southern Baptist Conference released a 300-page report detailing decades of rampant sexual abuse and cover-ups by church leaders. The Baptists and Catholics will hold a summer Bible camp so they can break the tie and decide who’s worse.

Tiger Woods withdrew from the final round of the PGA Championship, citing pain in his injured foot that was so bad, he couldn’t have parking lot sex with a Hooters hostess while standing up.

Starbucks is leaving Russia, shutting down all 130 locations. The closure is expected to have a devastating impact on CD sales for Zamfir, Master Of The Pan Flute.

Jif peanut butter products were recalled for possible salmonella contamination, leaving choosy mothers to clean up a lot of vomit.

Arby’s is selling its first-ever hamburger, the Wagyu Steakhouse Burger. The first-ever order for it was a cease-and-desist order from Japan’s Wagyu Beef Council.

By |

Elon Musk denied exposing himself to a flight attendant on a private jet. Musk explained that if it did happen, it was because he had left his penis on autopilot.

Coke announced they’ll tether plastic bottle caps to bottles in the UK so that the caps will be recycled. They won’t do it in the U.S., after research found that small sea turtles like wearing the caps as hats.

Poison drummer Rikki Rockett announced he’s cancer-free ahead of the group’s summer Stadium Tour with Motley Crue & Def Leppard. Rockett also announced he’s free of roughly half of the 30 STDs he’s carried around since the late 80s.

Rihanna gave birth to a baby boy. The baby arrived, and began crying, but like his Mom, couldn’t really hold the note.

Tiger Woods shot a four-over-par opening round at the PGA Champiionship, saying his surgically repaired leg hurts. He planned to receive physical therapy prior to the second round as soon as he finds the right hostess at TGI Friday’s.

Scientists are baffled by the outbreaks of monkeypox in Europe and the U.S. Also baffled?…monkeys coming down with chickenpox.

Google partnered with pesticide Off to launch a tool that predicts mosquito populations in your area. The tool already faces criticism from mosquitos, angry that Google is sharing their location data without permission.

Prince William and Kate Middleton attended the London premiere of Top Gun: Maverick with star Tom Cruise. No sign of Prince Harry, who William repeatedly referred to as ‘Goose’.

Bob Mackie, who designed the Marilyn Monroe dress that Kim Kardashian borrowed and wore to this year’s Met Gala, said it was a mistake letting her wear it. He added it was also a mistake letting her eat Taco Bell while she did.

The St Louis Zoo announced the birth of critically endangered Amur leopard cubs. Zoo officials said they’re glad the cats aren’t black, because that would make them even more endangered in St. Louis.

By |

A woman gave birth on a Frontier Airlines flight from Denver to Orlando. Then Frontier Airlines gave its first-ever discount voucher to the guy in her seat on the return flight to Denver.

Don Gorske of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin marked his 50th anniversary eating McDonald’s Big Macs every day. Meanwhile, the Fond du Lac coroner issued a third autopsy for copycats dying within two weeks attempting to duplicate Gorske’s feat with Arby’s Beef & Cheddars.

Netflix laid off 150 workers, notifying each of them they had to hit the Next Episode button.

A Massachusetts man was diagnosed with the first case of monkeypox in the U.S., a conclusion reached after multiple days of research by virologists and chimps wearing lab coats.

Multiple monkeypox cases have been identified in countries such as Spain, Portugal & the United Kingdom – with the World Health Organization officially recognizing them as barrels of monkeypox.

Serbia’s Lazar Krstic won the Red Bull Paper Wings paper-airplane contest, making a folded paper craft that sailed 200 feet. He’s been commissioned to fold a thousand more for the deployment of the Serbian Air Force.

The CW network cancelled ‘Riverdale‘, ending the Archie Comics-inspired drama after seven seasons. The network has, however, ordered a new pilot, ‘Jughead‘, which is 30 minutes of Donald Trump commenting on women’s breasts.

NASA’s Insight Mars lander is reportedly losing power because of dust collecting on the vehicle’s solar panels. They’re hoping if they get it to the right intersection in a sketchy neighborhood, a homeless martian will offer to clean the dust off.

Major League Baseball reporter Kelsey Wingert was struck in the forehead by a foul ball while standing in the dugout during Monday’s Giants/Rockies game, requiring stitches and a CT scan. This is her first time taking a ball to the face since college.

An Idaho man broke a Guinness World Record by running the Famous Idaho Potato Half-Marathon while wearing 111 t-shirts – and just five changes of underpants.

By |

Editor’s Note: No jokes on Tuesday or Wednesday of this week, since I’m having some routine medical work done. Thanks for reading & hope you come back soon. cd

McDonald’s is completely shutting down its Russian business operations. Some locations may continue operating without the old name & branding, and will reopen as Gorba-Chef.

Pennsylvania Democrat John Fetterman, candidate for U.S. Senate, was hospitalized after suffering a mild stroke. Republican Dr Mehmet Oz, seeking the GOP nomination, prescribed him green coffee bean extract and acai berries.

Hypotheses are emerging about the cause of mysterious hepatitis cases in children. Right now, the favorite is Lunchables.

A recall was issued for the possiblity of metal strands in bags of Starburst, Skittles & Life Savers gummies. New bags will be relabeled ‘steelies’.

Yale researchers claim to have definitively identified the underlying cause of cancerous tumors, which they announced while smoking cigarettes at noon while shirtless on a sunny beach.

Patients opting for robotic surgery experienced substantially reduced recovery times and readmissions, and nurses appreciated not having to hear human doctors make bad jokes about the patient’s body.

Charleston, South Carolina police were called when residents spotted a six-foot alligator approaching an elementary school. Asked what the gator was doing there, cops said it was waiting for recess to get a free school lunch.

Melania Trump ripped Vogue magazine for bias for never giving her a cover story, while other Democratic first ladies received covers. Melania then rejected an offer for the cover of MILF.

Amber Heard stuck with her story that it was a dog – not her – that pooped in bed, claiming the dog had bowel issues from eating marijuana. Heard said the weed was especially potent, causing her to piss on a fire hydrant and bag her own feces before tossing it in a park trash can.

Travis Scott performed for the Billboard Music Awards. His handlers advised fans not to tell him he ‘crushed’.