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Donald Trump’s former CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to five months in jail for lying about the value of Trump’s property. He’ll serve the sentence in a 10×10 cell at Rikers Island, which he values at $5 million dollars and 2,000 square feet.

Arizona’s Supreme Court upheld an abortion law drafted in 1864, which calls for a near total ban on abortion, and jail time for any blacksmith or General Store clerk who performs one.

Two suspects stole pallets of meat from a refrigerated truck in Northeast Philadelphia. Undercover cops are hoping to learn more about the operation once they get invited to the cookout.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced its first-ever regulations for “forever chemicals’ found in public tap water. All municipalities must test their water and grade it on a scale ranging from ‘clean’ to ‘Flint Michigan’.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, paroled for the murder of her abusive mother, got a nose job. Blanchard said the parole board told her to keep her nose clean, but they didn’t say anything about changing it.

Travis Kelce said on his podcast that he’s “having a blast” with Taylor Swift and “doesn’t know” how he got her interested in sports. Listeners speculate that she’s in to sports now because Travis plays a professional sport and she’s having sex with him.

The FCC is requiring internet providers to provide ‘nutrition labels’ that spell out specifics on pricing, download/upload speeds, and fees – and for Comcast/Xfinity, the amount of time on hold each month waiting for customer service.

Dating app Bumble is evaluating its ‘women make the first move’ strategy, possibly changing to ‘women decide who makes the first move’. Men are confused about what it means, which Bumble feels better represents men’s struggle to figure out what the hell women want.

Insurance companies are reportedly using drones to fly over houses and denying coverage to homeowners based on what they see, such as trampolines and six-foot-deep holes in the ground.

Friends of country singer Morgan Wallen say his arrest for throwing a chair off of a Nashville roof is evidence of a “drinking problem”. While other friends defended Wallen, saying the real problem is the bar needs “heavier chairs”.

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Walmart agreed to pay $45 million as part of a class action settlement after admitting to overcharging for weighted produce and bags of fruit. This will be a huge payday for the 6 customers who actually bought nutritious food at Walmart.

Donald Trump said he would not support a nationwide abortion ban, saying abortion decisions should be left up to the states, and to women he pays to get them.

A Southwest Airlines-operated Boeing jet made an emergency landing after the cover ripped off an engine during takeoff. Now that doors, tires, fuel, and engine covers have fallen off of airborne Boeing jets, a spokesperson said aircraft safety has officially dropped from their Top Priority to Fifth or Sixth.

The Vatican condemned gender-transition surgery, saying the talent pool of cute altar boys is shallow enough already.

Country music superstar Jelly Roll won three times at the CMT Music Awards in Austin, Texas. Less-popular country singer Vegan Roll was shut out.

U.S. lawmakers unveiled bipartisan legislation to give all Americans a basic right to digital privacy – that they’ll promptly waive because there’s no way they’re giving up Instagram & Tik Tok.

Lebron James son Bronny, a University of Southern California freshman basketball player, will enter the NBA Draft and the NCAA transfer portal. Bronny averaged 4.8 points per game, and an average GPA of Incomplete.

Maryland’s Governor Wes Moore said some shipping channels around the collapsed Key Bridge in Baltimore harbor have reopened after debris removal ‘equal to the weight of the Statue of Liberty’. “Great, now everyone thinks I’m fat” said Lady Liberty.

140 guests attended the wedding of former CNN Anchor Don Lemon and his partner. It was the first time many of them were invited to a Lemon Party.

In honor of the solar eclipse, Krispy Kreme is offering the Total Solar Eclipse donut – a glazed donut dipped in chocolate and topped with buttercream and an Oreo. They say the temporary diabetic coma from eating it is just like a full-blackout eclipse.

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A viral image of black-licorice-flavored Oscar Mayer ‘Halloweiners’ proved to be fake, disappointing fans of black licorice, and disappointing even more fans of black weiners.

30,000 visitors were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland for hours after one visitor tested positive for COVID-19. The park reported no other COVID infections, although several people stuck on ‘It’s A Small World’ took their own life.

Despite Microsoft’s warnings that new operating system Windows 11 will only work on newer PCs with fast processors and ample memory, a man got it running on a 15-year-old computer. He intends to prove it once the PC finishes booting up in 8 months.

Nearly 90 countries joined a global pact to reduce methane gas. India has not yet agreed – as cows frantically pack their sh*t and try to move there.

A Texas bar is refusing to allow customers to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on the jukebox until December 1st. After that, it will abort playback of the song after four weeks.

Citing the challenging environment for Internet content providers, Yahoo! is pulling out of China. This, according to the company’s outgoing director of international operations, Ya Hu.

Space X’s Crew Dragon craft has a toilet leak, which will require four astronauts to use “undergarments” instead. However, due to global & extraterrestial supply chain issues, the undergarments won’t arrive in space for several months.

Scientists studying plants growing in Chile’s Atacama Desert – the world’s harshest non-polar desert – believe it holds the key to curing climate-related famine: eating cactus and tumbleweeds.

A new blood test can reportedly spot up to 50 different types of cancer – developers are working on a better name for the test than its current one: 49 Killer Flavors.

Kim Kardashian had a “fashion emergency” at a NYC awards show when a zipper broke on her outfit. Everyone was stunned to learn it was a zipper in the front.

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The Producers Guild of America approved guidelines for combating sexual harassment in the entertainment industry. The guidelines ask that each production be vigilant in preventing harassment, that whistleblowers be protected, and that producers keep their whistles in their pants.

Delta Airlines says they’re cracking down on passengers’ emotional support animals; this, following a mid-flight argument between a flight attendant and a pug who wanted the whole can of Alpo.

  • United Airlines says they’re also cracking down on animal companions; only by ‘cracking down’ United means they’re breaking the animal in to pieces and sending it on to baggage claim with no further explanation.

Cape Town could be the first major city in the world to run out of water. Residents must limit their showers to one-and-a-half minutes. “No problem!” said Cape Town men who like to have sex in the shower.

Singer Ed Sheeran announced that he was secretly engaged. Fiancee Cherry Seaborn announced that she secretly called it off.

Former ‘Jersey Shore’ star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino arrived in a New Jersey court to plead guilty to tax evasion. He’ll film a ‘Jersey Shore’ reunion before returning to court as Mike ‘Five Years In The Joint’ Sorrentino.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West named their new baby daughter ‘Chicago’ — leaving pregnant sisters Kylie and Khloe to duke it out between ‘Detroit’ and ‘Cleveland’.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh fired the crime-ridden city’s Police Commissioner Kevin Davis. Davis was reportedly given just a few minutes at his office to clean out his unregistered guns and bribes.

A new Boston University study concludes that chronic brain disease CTE isn’t caused by concussions, but rather by repeated hits to the head, even without concussion. The study authors warn parents to be vigilant looking for CTE symptoms in children who are athletes, or frequent noogie recipients.

President Trump, addressing the ‘March for Life’ event, called on the U.S. Senate to outlaw abortions after 20 weeks.  “Sure, if that includes your term” said Democratic Senators, in what observers of burns are calling ‘a layup’.

Congress was unable to avert a U.S. Government Shutdown. Callers to the White House received this voice message: “”Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because Congressional Democrats are holding govt. funding, including funding for our troops and other national security priorities, hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Oh, and if this is Grubhub ask the guards to take the Big Macs inside.”