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Australian scientists warn against “bare bottom farting” due to potential spread of aerosolized feces containing coronavirus. Their claim was made from the most unpleasant research laboratory in the country. [story h/t to J.O.]

The United States is monitoring intelligence that Kim Jong Un is in severely failing health following surgery. North Korea’s state news agency reported the firing squad death of the country’s top liposuction doctor.

Officials from Disney World have joined a Florida task force to reopen the state economy. The benefit of their participation is in question, since they aren’t allowed to speak and can only pose for pictures.

A woman in a wheelchair is suing Disney World, saying she was injured on the park’s ‘Frozen’ ride – claiming she’s now Frozen stiff.

The Buffalo Bills are one of three NFL teams holding virtual workouts for draft prospects. The prospects call the virtual workouts “the best way to visit Buffalo”.

Tom Brady was asked to leave a closed public park in Tampa where he was exercising. Tampa police thanked anonymous tipster “Bill B” for the video surveillance.

A Texas emergency room doctor is self-quarantining in his kids’ backyard treehouse. So far, a dozen patients died because he couldn’t be reached via the tin can with a string on it.

Some concert goers are mad because they hold tickets to concerts designated as “postponed” instead of “cancelled”, so they can’t get refunds. “I need that money for chicken nuggets and juice boxes, goddamnit” said a Wiggles fan.

Senior citizens collecting Social Security via direct deposit can expect to see their government stimulus money this week, followed by their first-ever video calls from grandchildren asking to borrow it.

An animal sancutary in California lets companies pay for farm animals to join video business meetings. Workers say the animals’ presence is relaxing, and three separate goats say they’ve been offered executive positions at cable & internet companies. [story h/t to E.K.]

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Tom Brady is reportedly renting Derek Jeter’s mansion while he lives and plays in Tampa Bay. Though they’re both married, Jeter told Brady to help himself to the surplus gift bags he used to give departing one-night hookups.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says the U.S. is “not even at halftime” in the fight against coronavirus. Worse, he announced the halftime show is Black Eyed Peas.

Scientists advise closing the toilet seat lid before flushing, to prevent ‘aerosolized feces’ from escaping the toilet bowl and spreading coronavirus. Coincidentally, Aerosolized Feces is also the poorest-selling variety of Airwick spray.

An analysis by The Motley Fool shows that a $1,000 investment in Walmart during the 2008-9 Great Recession would be worth three times that much today. Someone who started working at Walmart in 2008 would have accumulated about $1,000 today.

Some Americans will wait up to 20 weeks to receive their $1,200 stimulus check – four weeks for the first check to be sent, then another 16 weeks to get a replacement because the mailman cashed the first one.

Target announced they’ll begin limiting the number of shoppers in stores as a safety measure to ensure social distancing. Walmart also announced new safety measures, hiring hundreds of referees to work toilet paper fistfights.

Sony announced their post-apocalyptic Playstation adventure game The Last of Us II is delayed indefinitely because of the COVID-19 pandemic, but promised to use the extra time to add a new level, ‘Fort Lauderdale Spring Break’.

University of Pittsburgh researchers believe they may have isolated a working COVID-19 vaccine. The problem is, it’s an oral vaccine delivered in Iron City Light beer.

The WNBA postponed the start of its 2020 season due to COVID-19, a move unlikely to impact attendance.

Kim Kardashian will star in a prison reform documentary – it focuses on the effort of her buttocks to escape her shapewear.