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109 employees at Winter Park ski resort in Colorado tested positive for COVID-19, but so far nobody’s died with their boots on.

30 parrots were removed from the Philadelphia home of a man found dead in the back of a U-Haul. All 30 asked for a cracker, and a lawyer.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announced they’re expecting a baby. The parents of two-year-old Archie haven’t disclosed if it’s a Betty or a Jughead.

Coca-Cola will trial selling drinks in paper bottles this summer. They decided on paper because the ones made of tooth enamel dissolved too quickly.

The daughter of the Lombardi Trophy silversmith wants an apology from Tom Brady for tossing it between boats in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Super Bowl victory parade. No one has the heart to tell her about Rob Gronkowski trying to have sex with it.

Students learning at home are more stressed than their peers learning in classrooms, since many of them are too dumb to realize how remote learning makes it so much easier to cheat.

The Daytona 500 was delayed for six hours by rain and ended shortly after midnight. Many of the announced crowd of 30,000 stuck around anyway, once they realized watching rain fall was every bit as exciting as a NASCAR race.

NASA’s Mars rover Perseverance is scheduled to land on Wednesday. NASA’s other Mars rover, Frustration, turned around and came back to Florida three weeks ago.

Katy Perry and Lionel Richie voted to send Claudia Conway – daughter of Trump adviser Kellyanne – to Hollywood on American Idol. Judge Luke Bryan dissented, saying a teen girl hating her parents should have a sad country song about it by now.

Drinking three cups of coffee a day may reduce the risk of prostate cancer – especially if it’s Dunkin coffee, since it destroys the prostate altogether.

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Former American Idol contestant Antonella Barba will spend a minimum of 10 years in prison following a guilty plea for possession of 400 grams of fentanyl. She will report to jail later this year, and be the early favorite in the prison’s Holiday Talent Show.

Jeff Bezos cashed in $1.8 billion in Amazon stock, netting $1.4 billion in cash after taxes. His girlfriend Lauren Sanchez was seen being fitted for a diamond studded wrist brace to hold up her left hand after she gets the engagement ring she wants.

A 10-year-old Missouri girl stole, then crashed, her mother’s car trying to drive it to McDonald’s. Despite totaling the car, she only suffered minor injuries, and still needs that Lion King Happy Meal.

A Southwest Airlines flight attendant went viral after photos emerged of her lying in an overhead bin during boarding. She got out of the bin when a passenger in that row needed it to store his wife for the trip.

Elizabeth Taylor’s 1961 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud is expected to fetch up to $2 million at auction. The car has been restored with a new top and leather seats, and with several of her ex-husbands cleaned out of the trunk.

CNN held the second of two Democratic Presidential debates. Fallout from the debate is expected to dramatically slash the field of Democratic candidates from 20 to 19.

Mario Lopez apologized for comments he made saying it’s “dangerous” to support transgender kids. Lopez later said the remarks were ignorant and insensitive – but that he just didn’t want children to end up confused like his friend’s son, Screechella.

Kentucky wildlife officials are electrically shocking thousands Asian carp in order to harvest them and gauge how invasive they’ve become. They added that consumers should probably avoid most fish frys in the area.

The meatless Impossible Whopper is coming to every Burger King in the U.S. next week. In response, McDonald’s said they’re offering deals on the Impossible Big Mac – it’s a Big Mac that’s been kept under a heat lamp for 9 hours.

Netflix is accessing the physical activity sensors on smartphones to gauge users movement while accessing the app. They’ll probably stop soon when they figure out that users’ physical activity is “none”.

 

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A federal judge dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation suit against President Trump, saying that Trump calling Daniels’ claims of threats & harassment “a total con job” was just ‘rhetorical hyperbole’. The judge added that he can’t really remember Trump using language that wasn’t ‘rhetorical hyperbole’.

Former American Idol Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba was arrested & charged with dealing heroin.  Her next performance will be a blues number.

Los Angeles Dodgers announcing legend Vin Scully declined an invite from Fox Sports’ Joe Buck to join him in the broadcast booth during the Dodgers/Brewers playoff game. Scully said that he wouldn’t want to get in the broadcasters’ spotlight in any way, especially if it meant listening to Joe Buck.

A Tennessee father attacked his son with a chainsaw, then lost his leg when the son ran over him with a riding lawn mower in self-defense. The father was charged with second-degree attempted murder, and neighbors were left wondering who was going to clean up the huge mess in the yard.

Lady Gaga confirmed her engagement to talent agent Christian Carino, or, as he’ll soon be known, Lord Gaga.

A New England Patriots fan who dumped beer on Kansas City wide receiver Tyreek Hill has been identified and had his case turned over to local law enforcement. He has also been banned from all Gillette Stadium events – but was spotted at a local Halloween store buying a disguise for a Kenny Chesney concert.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren made public results of a DNA test that she says proves her claim of Native American heritage. The DNA was swabbed from a deck of cards at an Indian casino where she worked as a blackjack dealer.

Will Smith appeared on wife Jada Pinkett Smith’s Facebook show, ‘Red Table Talk’ to discuss a low point in their marriage. Will Smith said that his wife ” woke up and cried for 45 days straight.” Jada said that she was drinking too much, and had also just watched ‘After Earth’.

Singer Roger Daltrey said in a new memoir he discovered he had fathered three ‘secret’ daughters in the time between his first and second marriages. “Who are you? Who? Who?” he asked them.

An article by Gizmodo claims that the ‘Do Not Track’ privacy feature in web browsers doesn’t work because websites refuse to abide by it. This was noticed by a guy receiving a gift basket on his fifth anniversary buying Pornhub Premium.

 

 

 

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A judge in Oregon ordered a 15-year-old boy to pay $36 million in restitution for starting the Eagle Creek wildfires, which burned 48,000 acres. His lawyers plan to appeal, but in the meantime the boy has increased his lawn-mowing fee to $75,000.

McDonald’s board of directors will be asked to consider a ban on plastic drinking straws. The move comes as environmental advocates try to curb single-use plastics, and as families mourn the loss of loved ones who died from collapsed lungs trying to suck up Shamrock Shakes.

JCPenney, mired in losses as it struggles to turn business around, suffered another blow as CEO Marvin Ellison said he’s leaving to become CEO of home improvement chain Lowe’s.  Ellison immediately announced a new aisle at Lowe’s for customers who mow their lawn in cargo shorts, sandals and black dress socks.

President Trump is angry at reports an FBI informant met with members of his Presidential Campaign advisory staff. Justice and Intelligence department officials are refusing to confirm the existence or name of the informant, but are privately concerned at Eric Trump’s inability to keep a secret.

Stacey Cunningham is set to become the first female President of the New York Stock Exchange. She states that her first order of business is coming up with a way for stock shoppers to return ones they don’t like.

After winning Season 16 of American Idol, winner Maddie Poppe announced she’s dating runner-up Caleb Lee Hutchinson — creating a music-industry power couple you won’t be able to remember in a week.

A couple in Upstate New York filed a petition with the state Supreme Court to have their son evicted from their home. The son, in turn, filed his own petition asking that he be allowed to remain in the house until he finishes God of War.

Former Navy SEAL Jocko Willink, author of new book ‘Way of the Warrior Kid’ recommends getting up every day at 4:30a.m.  Willink says that you can get a lot of self-betterment tasks done between 4:30 and 7a.m., and besides, it’s so much easier to kill people before they get out of bed.

Sex videos of WWE Star wrestler Paige have leaked onto the Internet. The videos reportedly show her having sex with wrestler Xavier Woods in a position they call ‘climbing the turnbuckle’.

Conservatives responded angrily when it was announced that Michelle and Barack Obama will be producing content for Netflix. One, because they’re sick of the Obamas; and two, because their first production is another Adam Sandler movie.