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Ancestry.com announced they’re letting everyone – not just paid members – access the records of people and families impacted by the Holocaust. It’s a free promotion that Ancestry calls fun for the whole family!

New Jersey’s Right to Die law went into effect, legalizing assistance in dying to those given less than six months to live, as designated by a certified medical professional or New Jersey Mob Boss.

Needles, California wants to be a 2nd Amendment “sanctuary city”, free from California’s rules regarding guns and ammunition. They call it a sanctuary city because nothing provides sanctuary for someone like shooting them dead.

Doctors in Colorado claim that, since the state legalized recreational marijuana, it’s impacted pot-smokers’ reaction to surgery. Namely, they get high and forget to show up for it.

FX Network will air a 10-episode series, ‘A Teacher’, about a female high school teacher who has an affair with a male student. The series will star Kate Mara, who beat out several dozen real teachers arrested for doing the same thing.

Bravo Network show “‘Southern Charm” shocked viewers as a female cast member accused a male cast member of giving her chlamydia.  Another Bravo Network show, “Watch What Happens Live!” will bring the whole cast on to get penicillin shots.

Americans are disputing the U.S. Government Publishing Office guide to the proper terms describing state residents. For instance, New Hampshire residents are New Hampshirites, Indiana residents are Hoosiers, and Mississippi residents are Numbskulls.

A Cleveland bank robber gave a bank teller a note demanding money. However, the back of the note contained his name and a note he’d written earlier that day at the DMV. He was arrested, and was happy he didn’t have to go back to the DMV.

An Arizona man learned the body of his late mother was sold to the U.S. military, who used it for “blast testing” – strapping the body to a chair, then detonating an explosive underneath. The man is demanding to know what happened to his favorite chair.

A Philadelphia news station captured video of mice running around the dining area of a Popeye’s Chicken restaurant. The mice explained they were lost, and were given a ride back to the KFC where they live.

 

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Porn actress Jenna Jameson shared three photos of her buttocks on Instagram, to display the progress of her appearance over the course of an eight-month, 80-pound weight loss. “Oh, NOW I recognize you!” said 50 different male porn stars when they saw the third picture.

A GoFundMe campaign seeks to raise a billion dollars to help fund the controversial wall along the U.S./Mexico border, and has already raised $3.3 million dollars. It was started by The Trump Foundation.

Customer service agents at DNA testing services like Ancestry and 23andMe are reporting fielding panic calls from customers getting results that reveal they’re adopted, or that children aren’t really theirs. They say the hard part is telling callers that speaking to a supervisor won’t change that their wife had an affair.

Kim, Khloe & Kourtney Kardashian and sister Kylie Jenner all said they’ll no longer update their personal apps and websites — abandoning fans who will only be able to see & read about them on their tv show..gossip sites..other tv shows.. Facebook.. Instagram.. Snapchat..TikTok…

Anheuser-Busch is investing $50 million toward development of cannabis-infused beverages. So around July 4th, when they put America on Budweiser cans, it will read Stoned America instead.

Following Alfonso Ribeiro’s lawsuit against Epic Games ‘Fortnite’ for stealing his Carlton Dance, ‘Backpack Kid’, inventor of the Floss, is also suing Epic for stealing his dance. Lawyers for Chubby Checker are ready just in case Fortnite characters do The Twist while standing in front of a walker.

Walgreens announced a plan designed to save the company more than $1 billion annually. It pretty much boils down to firing everyone who’s been stealing oxycontin.

The U.S. Justice Department accused China of systemic hacking into the systems of American tech & industry giants. Comcast said that the Chinese had stolen their Customer Satisfaction Playbook – but the Justice Department said they’re more worried about useful information that was stolen.

In the U.K., a dying man enamored of his two-year-old neighbor girl bought her 19 years of Xmas presents and had them delivered to her parents before he passed away.  The parents cried, then promptly opened the Year 19 gift and got wasted on it.

Saudi Arabia announced the creation of three new government bodies aimed at improving their intelligence operations after the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul. The three bodies are: strategy & development; legal affairs; and a new & improved secret murder department.

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Bridal gown retailer Alfred Angelo suddenly declared bankruptcy, leaving over 7,500 brides who had bought their dresses angry, and 7,500 grooms faking being just as angry.

The 8th person at the infamous Donald Trump Jr. meeting with Russians at Trump Tower has been identified. He is ‘The Guy Who Reserved The Conference Room They’re In, Asking If They’re Almost Done Or If He Should Just Use A Different Room.’

The GOP Better Care Act appears to be doomed, as more Republican Senators pull their support. An angry President Trump said that Congress should Let Obamacare Die — which, coincidentally, is the name selected for the GOP’s 3rd Version of a health care bill.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller told the Senate Judiciary Committee that they could call Donald Trump Jr and Paul Manafort to testify publicly about their interactions with the Russians. Committee Democrats were not available for comment, at least until they returned from a trip to Home Depot to buy pitchforks and torches.

A team of teenage Afghan women – initially barred from entering the U.S. – arrived to compete in the first Global Robotics Challenge in Washington D.C. Their robot is capable of gathering and sorting balls by color. No plans for a trip to The White House, since the robot would be incapable of finding any balls to sort.

Chipotle stock dropped 6% as reports surfaced of norovirus at a restaurant in Virginia. The restaurant closed temporarily to be completely sanitized. Customers who insisted on eating tainted food anyway were directed to nearby Arby’s and Taco Bell locations.

A retired Nevada corrections officer described the prison housing OJ Simpson as “a cruise ship with barbed wire.” In other words, a Carnival Cruise ship.

WalMart apologized for racist language on its website. The color of a cap for sale there was listed as “ni**er brown”. The listing for the cap was pulled entirely, even though “ni**er brown was outselling “cracker white” by ten-to-one.

Embark Veterinary, a canine genetics testing startup, has raised $4.5 million. It’s one of the first of its kind to offer genetics reports for dogs, similar to those offered for humans like Ancestry.com or 23andMe. The purpose is for dog owners to better understand the health needs of their pets, and for dogs to have boring conversations just like Ancestry.com customers do.

  • The founders considered offering similar reports for cats, before concluding that nobody cared.

Harley Davidson execs gave a disappointing sales forecast for the year, while saying they planned to lay off 5,400 employees. Those laid off workers will be given outplacement and discounts on choppers they can ride until they find themselves, mannnnnn…

  • Execs blamed the sales decline on lower volumes of middle managers who dream of being in Hells Angels.

Pizza Hut announced it’s hiring 14,000 new drivers. 13,000 to deliver pizzas, and 1,000 to drive customers to the emergency room.

The bodies of a Swiss couple who disappeared 75 years ago were found at the edge of a melting glacier. The couple, Marcelin and Francine Doumoulin, went to milk cows in a meadow and never returned. Their bodies were found in excellent condition, but unfortunately, the milk was sour.

Fox News host Sean Hannity slammed Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, saying he is “so anti-Trump”…the first case of the Fair Pot calling the Balanced Kettle black.

A new study states that Millennials are more willing to use credit to buy experiences, as opposed to incurring debt for material things. Among the experiences millennials cited are travel, learning new skills, and bankruptcy court.