By |

A change in your walking gait could be an early sign of dementia. Especially if it’s a change caused by not knowing where in the hell you walked to.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stefon Diggs was stranded in the city after his Ferrari got stuck in the snow. It was towed to safety, immediately after two Bills fans jumped off the top of it and through a folding table stored in the tow truck.

Novak Djokovic remains in a “deportation hotel” in Australia pending a determination whether he can play in the Australian Open. Djokovic refused vaccination, but Australia reversed its decision to allow him entry, so it’s technically a double-fault.

A new language has been created in the Pacific Northwest, called Protactile, used by deaf/blind people to communicate through touch. The first phrase ever developed was “I want to talk to you. Did you wash your hands?”.

Nicolas Cage and wife Riko Shabata are expecting a baby, which he’s expected to also surrender to the IRS for back payment of debt.

The makers of Nintendo racing game Mario Kart said the next installment – Mario Kart 9 – could come as early as this year with “a new twist”. They wouldn’t elaborate further except to say that you can drive a hearse for the first time.

The NFL is exploring contingency plans to move the Super Bowl from California to Texas if Los Angeles imposes further COVID restrictions. Halftime performers Snoop and Dr Dre say they could rap with masks on, with no change in white viewers understanding them.

U.S. airlines cancelled over 1,000 flights for the 12th straight day. Spirit Airlines is putting some cancelled short-flight passengers on Greyhound buses and betting they won’t really know the difference.

Aaron Babbitt – husband of deceased January 6th rioter Ashli Babbitt – said she wouldn’t have died if he was there with her because he would have “picked up on red flags”. Like, for instance, the “stop or I’ll shoot” red flag.

A November letter from imprisoned Subway spokesman Jared Fogle was leaked to the media. Fogle wrote that he works out regularly, and is in the best shape of his life. He signed off by wishing the recipient good luck in her 7th grade Christmas pageant.

By |

Kane Tanaka, the world’s oldest living person, turned 119 on Sunday in Fukuoka, Japan. She is also the oldest living person who’s never received a Starbucks gift card for her birthday.

OJ Simpson posted a video to social media, calling Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Antonio Brown quitting mid-game “unacceptable”. Simpson also called Brown’s history of alleged domestic abuse “acceptable”.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick also addressed the Antonio Brown story, saying his team has a a specific process in place for players with mental health issues, known as the waiver process.

A winter storm stranded motorists for 18 hours on I-95 in Virginia between Richmond and Washington, DC – adding 25 minutes to their usual commute.

A man on his deathbed in suburban Boston confessed to his family that he was a fugitive robber who’d stolen $215,000 from a Cleveland bank in 1969. He died peacefully, happy he never had to return to Cleveland.

NBA star Tristan Thompson confirmed he fathered a baby with another woman while in a relationship with Khloe Kardashian. Thompson wrote to Kardashian “you don’t deserve this” – meaning either his betrayal, or his sperm.

Disgraced Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes was found guilty on four counts of defrauding investors in her blood-testing startup. While awaiting sentincing, she plans to spend time changing her blood testing machines that don’t work into COVID testing machines that don’t work.

The National Hockey League postponed its 92nd game this season, leading to a spike in ratings for TV networks that would otherwise be showing hockey games.

Novak Djokovic will defend his Australian Open tennis title despite being unvaccinated, after being granted a waiver by a panel of independent medical professionals who bet a lot of money on Novak Djokovic winning the Australian Open.

A golfer in Australia had his driver snapped after a giant robber crab attacked his clubs. The golfer triple-bogeyed the next hole and asked the crab to break his putter too.

By |

Donald Trump was reportedly sicker with COVID-19 last fall than the public realized. Doctors considered placing him on a ventilator, and nurses said he was so weak, they couldn’t feel him grabbing their pussies.

Diabetes drug semaglutide shows unprecedented results helping patients lose weight from weekly injections. However, once injections stop, patients gain weight, so doctors are figuring out how to deliver the drug in cheeseburgers.

Paulina Porizkova, estranged wife of dead Cars frontman Ric Ocasek, said she was left completely broke because he wrote her out of his will. “You might think I have grocery money..” she told her friends.

Chappelle’s Show returned to Netflix after Comedy Central agreed to pay Dave Chappelle millions in royalties. Meanwhile, Rob Schneider sitcom Rob! remains off Netflix, despite Schneider agreeing to pay $13.99/month to subscribe.

Convicted felon Lori Loughlin requested federal officials return her passport, so she can leave the country and visit Hawaii.

Actress Brie Larson posted a YouTube video ‘My Morning Routine’. Her routine consists of a series of stretching exercises in a swimsuit, and getting ogled by thousands of creeps.

Tennis’ Australian Open once again banned spectators, after 13 cases of COVID-19 were traced to a Holiday Inn in host city Melbourne. Fortunately, no elite tennis players would be caught dead, or sick, at a Holiday Inn.

Due to COVID, the U.K. economy suffered its worst setback since 1709, when the Great Frost killed off a substantial portion of the population, and the introduction of scones killed even more.

The Houston Texans agreed to release All-Pro defensive tackle J.J. Watt. “Watt?!” said players still stuck on the team.

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene allegedly had an extramarital affair with a tantric sex guru who calls himself “The Tantric Warrior”. The revelation is surprising those people finding out tantric sex gurus exist in suburban Georgia.

By |

The New York Times endorsed both Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren as Democratic Party candidates for President. Donald Trump said that he, too, endorses “two women at the same time”.

Frontier Communications, which provides cable tv & internet service in 29 different states, plans to file for bankruptcy. Executives blame high operating expense, and not realizing that they could just jack up prices every year for the hell of it.

Golf-ball sized hailstones hit parts of Australia. Koalas and kangaroos, already exhausted by wildfires, are now dealing with concussions.

Kelly Ripa said that she stopped drinking when Ryan Seacrest became her cohost, adding that it’s probably a good idea to wait until the show’s over at 10a.m., anyway.

Prince Harry said he and Meghan Markle had “no other option” than to stand down as royals. Meanwhile a thousand different homeless Londoners asked if they could try out Harry & Meg’s unacceptable option for a couple of days.

French tennis player Elliot Benchirit was told off by an Australian Open umpire because he asked a tournament ball girl to peel the banana he planned to eat during a changeover. The umpire told Benchirit to take it out of his shorts pocket.

Gun rights advocates gathered in Richmond, Virginia in a protest against additional gun control in the state. Asked how it was different from a Trump rally, attendees said “calmer, with fewer guns”.

Navigation app Waze is mistakenly sending drivers heading to the Borgata hotel in Atlantic City to a wildlife preserve 60 miles away. The wildlife preserve was established as a safe haven for retired Atlantic City hookers.

A commercial airline pilot has been fired for writing pro-Trump and racist graffiti in the bathroom of a Florida airport. The pilot admitted he has “anger issues” and “a new job with Frontier Airlines”.

Tim Tebow got married in South Africa over the weekend. His wife said she hopes the avowed virgin Tebow is better at sex than he is at baseball.

By |

The U.S. House of Representatives approved Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump. Trump held a rally in Battle Creek, Michigan, home of some of his oldest and dearest friends – Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger & Dig ‘Em.

A man on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to New York gave up his first-class seat so that an 88-year-old woman in coach could take it. He explained that first class was the only place on board with a defibrillator.

A start-up company devised a workplace toilet that slopes 13 degrees forward, making it uncomfortable for long seated periods so employees return to work faster. A startup of goofoffs devised a harness to wear while using it so you can stay as long as you like.

Ikea previewed its ‘Smart Home’ plans for 2020. Customers eagerly await smart home products from the company that makes you walk through a mile-long labyrinth to get to the checkout after you buy them.

Selena Gomez is opening up about what she calls the “abuse” during her relationship with Justin Bieber – most of which involved having to listen to Justin Bieber songs.

A mini-casino will open in a former Sears department store location in York, Pennsylvania. It was chosen because people are used to going there and blowing money with nothing good to show for it.

A new study claims people regularly eating chili peppers reduce their risk of death by 23%, mainly because colorectal cancers are melted. [Story h/t to A.O.]

Delta Airlines flight attendants say their new uniforms are making them lose their hair, break out in hives, and cough uncontrollably. Coincidentally, Delta passengers are saying the same thing about the $10 in-flight meals.

Walmart.com revealed its top-selling product of 2019, the Instant Pot programmable pressure cooker. Other top sellers were paper towels and flushable wipes, to clean up after the terrible Instant Pot meals.

TMZ shared video of Serena Willams getting boxing lessons from Mike Tyson. Williams may miss January’s Australian Open with a broken jaw.