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A Missouri woman was arrested for putting Roundup weed killer in her husband’s soda after he wasn’t “appreciative” of the 50th birthday party she threw. The husband called police after noticing his Diet Mountain Dew tasted better.

Heavy rains struck Iowa, causing flooding and leading to concerns of a ‘fecal soup’ as manure storage facilities are damaged. Iowans say they might try the fecal soup, since the food options there are pretty limited.

Police in Los Angeles are considering criminal charges for whoever may have supplied late actor Matthew Perry with a lethal dose of ketamine. Persons of interest include Ugly Naked Guy and Fun Bobby.

More bars & restaurants are restricting entry to customers 30 & over. They say it cuts down on the number of loud, rowdy patrons, and keeps the servers from having to repeatedly say they don’t take Venmo or CashApp as payment next week sometime.

For the second year, Philadelphia was named the Most Walkable City In America by USA Today. For the tenth straight year, it was also named the Most Runnable City While Holding a Stab or Gunshot Wound by the American Medical Association.

Democrats are scrambling to limit the damage caused by President Biden’s disappointing performance in the first presidential debate – seeing if they can move the second debate to Amazon Prime Video or Peacock so fewer people will see it.

The NFL was fined $4.7 billion for violating antitrust laws by selling its ‘Sunday Ticket’ package of out-of-market games solely to DirecTV, and at an inflated price. Damages will be awarded to 26 million household & business customers, with extra punitive damages to anyone who paid specifically to watch Cleveland Browns games.

Oprah Winfrey said in an interview that she once declined an invitation to ‘Miami Vice’ star Don Johnson’s Christmas party because she was too fat – adding she was concerned Crockett would think she was Tubbs.

Taco Bell has entered the ‘Value Meal’ wars with the $7 Luxe Cravings deal. It includes a Chalupa Supreme taco, a 5-layer burrito, a double-stacked taco, chips with nacho cheese sauce, a medium drink, Immodium, and a note from the manager explaining why you can’t come to work tomorrow.

Riders of the New York City subway are concerned about plastic zip ties that appear to be used to hold parts of the track together. The transportation authority replied saying they’re not a concern, they’re just left over from damsels in distress being tied to the tracks by guys in top hats and capes.

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Researchers created special light waves that can penetrate opaque materials. They plan to use it to see through coworkers clothes and underwear.

Hester Ford, recognized as the oldest living American at 116 years old, passed away in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. The title of oldest American now goes to Thelma Sutcliffe, 115, of Nebraska, who also just died.

Vandals threw a pig’s head at the home of a retired police officer who testified in Derek Chauvin’s defense, but it turns out the man no longer lives there. The vandals asked if they could get their pig head back along with directions to his new place.

Demi Lovato criticized a frozen yogurt shop for displaying sugar-free items, saying it was “triggering” to her eating disorder. Lovato then had a nervous breakdown walking through the soda aisle of a grocery store.

Facebook now allows users to export posts to Blogger & WordPress.com – so that user’s thoughts and ideas can be ignored on multiple sites.

A suspected rhino poacher was killed in an elephant stampede at a national park in South Africa. The elephants were disappointed in park rangers efforts to stop the poachers, so they put their foot down.

Model Ireland Baldwin showed off her new butt tattoo in a bikini photo shoot. The tattoo is actually on her arm, but it’s a picture of her father Alec.

6 people were wounded in a mass shooting at a child’s birthday party in Louisiana. After treatment at a nearby hospital, the clown promised to improve his act.

TSA agents at Houston’s Hobby Airport found crystal meth in a breakfast burrito. The passenger was arrested, but to stay competitive, the Houston airport McDonald’s introduced the Meth McMuffin.

The dead body of a man infected with COVID-19 washed ashore in the island nation of Vanuatu, leaving local officials concerned about how they’ll conduct contact tracing with sea turtles.

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A former New York restaurant hostess said in a TikTok video that Kylie Jenner left a $20 tip on a $500 dinner bill. Reached for comment, Kylie said it was because she was out of $1s and $5s .

Taco Bell is reportedly planning a massive overhaul of its menu, but assures customers that whatever they serve will still result in a massive overhaul to their bathroom.

Three teenagers fishing off the coast of Maine took nearly 7 hours to haul in a 700-pound bluefin tuna. They started a GoFundMe to raise money for enough firecrackers to blow it up.

A California teen is credited with inventing ‘Talking Masks’ – masks with a clear panel so deaf people can read their lips, and also tell them they have spinach in their teeth.

Nick Cannon apologized for anti-Semitic remarks he made on a podcast, and was subsequently confirmed to be keeping his job as host of The Masked Singer – which will be renamed The Masked Singers Who Probably Aren’t Jewish.

British Airways announced they’re retiring their entire fleet of Boeing 747s, but will allow pilots and flight attendants the opportunity to have one final shag in the first-class loo.

Smugglers attempted to ship cocaine from Colombia to Italy in coffee beans that had been sliced open and resealed. Italian cops arrested the man who picked up the package, then had the best goddamned coffee break ever.

Following a night of wild partying, recording artist Megan Thee Stallion was taken to a hospital with gunshot wounds in her foot. Doctors say she’s lucky the bullets didn’t break her leg, because they’d have to put Stallion down.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick have ended their two-year relationship, which ran out of gas.

Kanye West is reportedly still forging ahead with his presidential run, and Caitlyn Jenner wants to be his running mate. Jenner would become the first vice-president to declare their pronouns.