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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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81-year-old Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been ordered to take a paternity test to determine if he fathered a child with a 27-year-old woman. If he is determined to be the father, Jones becomes eligible for NFL Comeback Playa’ of the Year.

The Philadelphia Phillies ended their popular Dollar Dog Nights, after fans used the cheap dogs to start food fights. They’re replacing it with BOGO Dog Night, so fans can buy two hot dogs, eat one, and throw the second one at Mets fans.

ChatGPT is being used by job seekers to generate questions for mock job interviews. However, ChatGPT is frustrating some candidates by skipping the questions and telling them “don’t bother, I already got the job”.

Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani surprised the team by announcing he got married. Ohtani underwent elbow surgery and won’t pitch this season, but is still happy to have an everyday catcher.

A new supplement called ‘LeapYears’ reverses age-related physical & cognitive decline in dogs. A study compared a small group of older dogs who took the supplement, to hundreds of other dogs who found the pill in the rolled-up ham and spit it out.

Holsten’s ice cream parlor in New Jersey is selling the booth used by Tony Soprano’s family in ‘The Sopranos’ final scene. Bidding currently tops $30,000, and the hgh bidder’s payment can be made behind the building with cash stuffed into a sealed yellow envelope.

Heritage Store brand hydrogen peroxide mouthwash is being recalled for a lack of child-safe packaging. Parents are urged to call 911 if they find their toddler passed out with really fresh-smelling breath.

A Texas woman shared via Instagram the one question she asks hiring managers that she claims results in job offers “100% of the time” after the interview: ‘what does excellence look like in this role?’. Of course, the managers reply “really clean toilets”.

Wildlife journal Marine Mammal Science published never-before-seen photos of two male humpback whales having sex. And less provocative photos taken at the same time of their wives dropping their calves off at day care.

A dermatologist is recommending diaper rash cream to hydrate the face. But to still apply your baby’s diaper rash cream with your hands, not your face.

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Taylor Swift’s management team filed a trademark application for ‘TaylorCon”, fueling speculation of a Taylor Swift fan festival, or a conference where thousands of women can join together and sing about getting dumped.

Facebook turned 20, making it the only 20-year-old you know that actually spends time on Facebook.

UV nail polish dryers in salons were found to potentially cause cancer and changes to DNA. The DNA changes were so profound, some men getting manicures opted for long nails before singing and dancing while dressed as women.

Donald Trump asked his social media followers if he looks like Elvis. Many replied that he does, because they could see him having a fatal heart attack on the toilet.

Spectrum passed Comcast to become the U.S. biggest cable company, mainly because more customers are disconnecting from Comcast. Comcast responded by scheduling its first available disconnect appointments to September 2026.

An ‘atmospheric river’ could deliver up to 10 inches of rain in parts of California. Many San Francisco residents said they’d never had 10 inches, but would consider it.

Following a devastating fire, repairs are nearing completion at Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. A spokesperson for the Catholic Church said they hope to be open and molesting altar boys three weeks before Christmas.

While Patrick Mahomes seeks his 3rd Super Bowl ring with the Kansas City Chiefs, his father Patrick Mahomes Sr was arrested for his 3rd DUI, and received his 3rd pair of silver bracelets.

‘Jersey Shore’ Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino shared a video of saving his three-year-old son Romeo after he began choking on gnocchi. Sorrentino dislodged the gnocchi by striking Romeo in the back, without a second to spare after taking two minutes to remove his son’s four gold chains.

Researchers find that a switch to a vegan diet rapidly impacts the immune system. Specifically, the immune system wants to leave so it doesn’t have to keep hearing its person talk about becoming a vegan for the 1000th time.

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Will Smith issued a written apology to Chris Rock for slapping him at the Oscars. Jada & Will Smith received Honorary Chairperson Awards from the Alopecia Awareness Foundation.

The January 6th Commission said a 7-hour gap exists in Donald Trump’s phone call logs provided to them. The Commission believes Trump used a different phone; Trump claims there were no calls because of a Three’s Company marathon on TV Land.

Walmart will stop selling cigarettes in some stores. Employees will be offered training on switching over to chewing tobacco.

The FDA authorized fourth Pfizer & Moderna COVID booster shots for Americans 50 & older. They’re available at local pharmacies & clinics, and free inside specially marked boxes of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

A new $26 billion NASA funding proposal includes a program for the first human exploration of Mars – and a second human exploration after the first ones die within minutes.

Scientists are hailing a ‘new era of medicine’ where drugs are customized based on the recipient’s DNA. Although street-level drug dealers say they’ll probably just keep selling the same junk to everyone.

A herd of deer stormed the patio area of a Wisconsin pub and one of them smashed through a picture window. The deer left within seconds with their Uber & Lyft passengers.

Kim Kardashian bought a $400,000 Maybach minivan to drive her four children around – although she was able to get the price down by trading in two of her kids.

A new trailer for Tom Cruise sequel Top Gun: Maverick was released, as the movie enters its third year of previews.

Guinness Book of Records recognized Victory Brinker as the World’s Youngest Opera Singer for performing at age 7. Her classmates also recognized her performance as part of the Longest, Worst, First Grade Talent Show ever.

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Rodney Alcala, a serial murderer known as The Dating Game Killer, died in prison before he could be executed. The Wheel Of Fortune killer RE_AI_S AT LAR_E.

A woman who matched with a January 6th rioter on dating app Bumble turned him in to federal authorities. She wanted to meet at a coffee shop, he wanted to break into her house with dozens of his friends.

Doctors, nurses and other medical workers are demanding that all health care professionals get COVID-19 vaccines, except for maybe hospice caregivers because, well, you know..

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania contractor was fined for employing minors at his roofing company. He was reported after a customer saw him carrying a worker up a ladder on his shoulders as he held a Fisher-Price toolbox.

Las Vegas Police solved a 1989 cold case murder using a record-low volume of DNA cells – determining the killer was the victim’s cousin, who died in 1996. Jury selection begins next week for the trial of the suspect’s skeleton.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards – who is allergic to beestings – was briefly hospitalized after walking into a beehive. Her costars all walked into the same hive a day later after noticing Kyle’s fuller lips.

Rapper Lizzo posted a viral TikTok video twerking while wearing popular new “booty lifting” $19 Seasum leggings from Amazon. The leggings are also popular with Amazon warehouse workers because they, too, do a lot of heavy lifting.

The NFL’s Houston Texans appear to have reversed course and may trade disgruntled QB Deshaun Watson, who’s been named in over 20 sexual assault allegations. He’s been sued so many times, the league may put up a testimony tent next to the concussion one.

NBC Universal is being torched for putting Team USA Men’s Basketball opening-round Olympic loss to France on its struggling streaming service, Peacock. A spokesman said they put it on Peacock because they didn’t want viewers to miss the air fryer infomercial on CNBC.

It’s so hot at the Tokyo Olympics, Russian tennis player Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova shoved bags of ice up her skirt during changeovers. “Uh oh” said her boyfriend.