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X, formerly Twitter, is trialing Adult Content Communities. This comes on the heels of their success with Racist Communities, Election Denier Communities, and Failed Entertainer Communities.

A female DJ who claims she was shamed on a Delta Airlines flight for not wearing a bra hired a lawyer and is demanding a meeting with the CEO. The CEO declined the meeting, saying, her breasts aren’t big enough.

In anticipation of the full solar eclipse, Internet crooks are selling fake eclipse glasses. Experts warn that you can tell they’re fake because they charge extra for bifocals.

A Florida 10-year-old sold a handgun to a classmate for $300, then set a single day spending record at the Scholastic Book Fair.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, released from prison after serving time for the murder of her abusive mother, separated from the husband she married while incarcerated, saying she felt trapped.

Dollar Tree announced the maximum price of items for sale in its stores will increase to $7. This is expected to create thousands of jobs for employees who can help customers count to 7.

Viral video shows a man diving out of the way of a spinning blade that detached from a concrete saw at a nearby construction site and traveled across a parking lot. Unfortunately, the old lady walking across the lot wasn’t as quick.

Oprah shared a video explaining why she turned to weight loss drugs. After a lot of hooey about personal struggles, it came down to two factors: 1) they work; 2) she’s a billionaire.

New York City formally approved a $15 congestion pricing toll for cars entering lower Manhattan. The law now requires the approval of carjackers to refund the $15 for the vehicles they steal.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and new wife Theresa Nist are married, but reportedly living in separate states. They say the biggest challenge is neither of them knowing how to work Facetime for cybersex.

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Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.

 

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NBC is rebooting ‘Punky Brewster’ for new streaming service, Peacock. The new show depicts Punky in the present day as a single mother struggling with obesity and opioid addiction. They’re calling it ‘Chunky Junky Punky Brewster’.

New York City schools banned chocolate milk, although some kids are getting around the ban by vaping it.

New York State instituted an emergency ban on most flavored e*cigarettes. They’re to be off shelves within two months, exciting fruit-flavored vapers who love a good clearance sale.

Philadelphia Cream Cheese sold out of its ‘Bagel That’ device that cuts holes in bread and other foods, turning them into “bagels”. Bagel purists are angry, as are parents whose kids turned their hands into bagels.

President Trump named Robert O’Brien, hostage negotiator for the State Department, to be his new National Security Adviser. O’Brien will immediately start negotiating his own release.

Taiga Motors debuted the Orca, an electric Jet-Ski type personal watercraft that runs for up to two hours, then electrocutes everything within a quarter-mile when you recharge it.

The FBI is investigating the disappearance of CEO Michael Mann, believed to have stolen $35 million in client funds from his company MyPayrollHR. Mann is believed to be the only intelligent person in the U.S. working in human resources.

The second state dinner of the Trump presidency takes place Friday. Melania Trump will show off design changes, including restored draperies in the Green Room, restored furniture in the Blue Room, and new locks on her Bedroom.

Facebook formed an independent board to oversee content moderation decisions. “Do you think that’s hate speech?” asked one billionaire board member to another.

Model Chrissy Teigen accidentally posted her email address and was swarmed with unwanted FaceTime calls. Teigen answered one saying “..was 100 percent sure this would be a penis but nope just a nice stranger.” She then changed emails and answered a FaceTime call from her husband John Legend’s penis.