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French Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati became a viral sensation after it appeared the bulge of his penis dislodged the bar during an attempt. He’s now dealing with rumors that he’s gay after the world clearly saw that rod-on-rod action.

Joaquin Guzman Lopez, son of Sinaloa Cartel drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering. He pled not guilty in a Chicage court, where DEA agents called him a Chipo Off the El Chapo.

Los Angeles, California police are patrolling the Champs Elysees in Paris during the Summer Olympics. They say the scenery is marvelous, but they’re kind of bored without as many unarmed persons of color to shoot.

Aerosmith announced they will stop tourning because frontman Steven Tyler can no longer sing. However, Motley Crue announced they will continue touring despite frontman Vince Neil being unable to sing for the last twenty years.

An 82-year-old employee who’s worked at a Las Vegas McDonald’s for 15 years said he continues to work because he can’t afford to retire. He said he contributes to a 401k but was shocked to learn his contributions were matched with french fries.

Following the resignation of two different Miss USAs, Michigan’s Alma Cooper assumed the title. If she also chooses to resign, the crown will be given to the entrant with the next-largest breasts.

The first fatal crash of a Tesla Cybertruck was reported in Texas. The driver could have been saved, but most people driving by the wreck assumed a refrigerator had fallen off the delivery truck.

At Knowwhere Farm in Chesterfield, New Jersey, visitors can come hug a cow named Moo for free. Meanwhile at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, one named Dakota will hug you and do other stuff for around fifty dollars.

One million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly blown on to a Florida Keys beach by Tropical Storm Debby. The storm was so powerful it was able to dislodge the cocaine from the rectums of people smuggling it on their boat.

Google was found to have a search engine monopoly in an anti-trust suit lodged by the Justice Department, and by guys who turned off SafeSearch and still ended up getting the same porn over and over again.

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Chipotle employees made a behind-the-scenes video, sharing the recipe and preparation of their cilantro/lime rice. It’s so simple, Taco Bell is showing the video to the mice in their kitchen so they can make it.

An Ellen Degeneres tweet from 2009 resurfaced, where she says she “made an employee cry like a baby” and it “felt good”. As it turns out, the employee cried because Ellen surprised her with a cruise…to the unemployment office.

With Sturgis Motorcycle Rally over, the city of Sturgis will begin mass testing of city workers, first responders and others for COVID-19, and will throw in a gonorrhea test for free.

The COVID-19 pandemic is creating a trend of working mothers quitting their jobs to stay home with their kids. Enterprising kids are training their moms with new skills to get them back out of the house so they can be alone again.

The Florida Keys will release 750 million genetically-modified male mosquitoes in the hope of eradicating females that carry diseases like zika and dengue fever. The females die when the see the males’ tiny gold chains and smell Drakkar Noir.

The Cincinnati Reds suspended broadcaster Thom Brennaman after he was caught on a live mic calling an unknown area “the f#g capital of the world”. Brennaman apologized and left midgame, and the Reds switchboard was bombarded with calls from people wanting to know where to visit the capital.

Former White House adviser Steve Bannon was arrested & charged with defrauding donors to the ‘Build The Wall’ campaign. Bannon will claim that he did, indeed, use donations to build a wall around his new pool.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft won his latest appeal to supress video evidence in his prositution case in Florida. In a one-word opinion, the presiding judge wrote “gross”.

Marijuana vending machines debuted in Colorado. Long lines formed as stoners took forever smoothing out $1 bills.

Two giant gold nuggets worth $250,000 were found in Australia. Rapper L’il Wayne is waiting for the prospectors to find two more so they can be made into his new grill.

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Millionaire Marc Bell, a former owner of Penthouse magazine, opened his mansion to 70 foster children displaced by Hurricane Irma. So far, the girls favorite activity is getting manicures, and the boys favorite activity is looking through Bell’s photo collection.

Pop star Selena Gomez revealed to fans that she received a kidney transplant in August from her friend, actress Francia Raisa. Taylor Swift quickly cranked out a diss track slamming Gomez’s failed kidney.

President Trump toured Naples and Ft. Myers Florida to view the damage from Hurricane Irma. The President told Floridians he would be there for them 100 percent, meaning he plans to move to Mar A Lago full time.

  • The President was joined by First Lady Melania, who created her own tragedy by wearing white pants after Labor Day.

Ivanka Trump told the Financial Times that the public has “unrealistic expectations” of how much she can influence her father, President Donald Trump; adding that to influence him, she’d actually have to want to be in the same room with him.

Some parts of the Florida Keys may be without power for a month. Impeachment proceedings have already started against the Mayor of Margaritaville.

A federal judge revoked Martin Shkreli’s bail after he offered a $5,000 bounty for anyone sending him a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. Reached for comment, Bill Clinton said he’s still waiting for his money.

A Silicon Valley CEO says that she dyed her blonde hair brown in order to be taken more seriously. She considers it a success, but her female coworkers think her long hair drags down her face.

A research study confirms that women have more keen olfactory senses, and are more bothered by objectionable smells than men. Bad news for husbands claiming ‘it wasn’t me’.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told a women’s leadership conference that “men still run the world, and it’s not going that well.” Her boss, CEO Mark Zuckerberg asked what she meant and Sandberg replied “nothing”.

The U.S. Air Force states that over 20,000 ‘space junk’ objects threaten to collide and interfere with larger space craft such as the Hubble Telescope and major communications satellites. A solution is still years away, until NASA convinces astronauts to drive garbage trucks.

The Census Bureau reports that Philadelphia remains America’s “poorest big city”, with over 25% of residents living below the poverty line. It’s so bad, Philly residents can’t even save enough money to move to Detroit.