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Italy declared a complete lockdown over the coronavirus. France declared a complete surrender.

Approximately 3,500 French people dressed in blue paint and white hats, breaking the world record for largest Gathering of the Smurfs. It was 3,499 drunk men and one truly terrifed Smurfette.

China’s leader Xi Jinping toured the country’s Wuhan region as a way to restore Chinese citizens confidence in government’s management of coronavirus. Despite there being no traffic, his motorcade driver caused a five-car pileup.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo enlisted prisoners to produce a low-cost hand sanitizer due to a shortage. However, the prisoners say they’re running out of room in their toilets to make it.

Supermodel Paulina Porizkova, 54, shared a bikini photo taken on a Costa Rica vacation. Porizkova – widow of deceased Cars frontman Ric Ocasek – said ” ‘You Might Think’ you have a chance, but you don’t”

A female Komodo dragon with no male partner gave birth to three hatchlings at Chattanooga Zoo via parthenogenesis, where a female’s egg is self-fertilized without sperm. The single Komodo mom has already started a blog about her journey.

Waxworms, which normally live in beehives and eat wax, have shown in a lab environment that they’ll also eat plastic bags. As bee populations drop, waxworm families will qualify for a federal program to relocate them to landfills.

Nintendo mobile game Mario Kart Tour launched its multiplayer mode, so now you can race against others while you’re behind the wheel of your real car in traffic.

Billie Eilish, who ordinarily wears only baggy clothes in public, showed images of her wearing just a bra during a musical interlude at her Miami concert. The images, accompanied by a poem Eilish wrote, were applauded equally by feminists and perverts.

Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy will do away with studio audiences over coronavirus concerns. Jeopardy is considering a laugh track to play after contestants share their boring, unfunny getting-to-know-you introduction stories.

 

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Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.

 

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The Food & Drug Administration approved the first-ever prescription drug derived from marijuana, to deal with epilepsy symptoms. Stoners are busily booking doctors appointments and practicing seizures.

Harley-Davidson will move some production overseas in order to avoid punitive tariffs for motorcycles shipped from the U.S. to Europe.  Parisian shopkeepers are worried the resulting shipment delays will only further anger the notorious, croissant-thieving French Hell’s Angels.

Mike Fleiss, creator of ABC Television series ‘The Bachelor’, tweeted that he’s ‘horrified’ that ‘abusive a-holes’ are on the show. He wistfully recalled the days when the show prominently featured only vain, non-abusive a-holes.

Residents of Maine are being warned about the Lone Star Tick, whose bite makes victims allergic to red meat. The ticks are said to frequent cookouts to get at the extra cheeseburgers, and are working on an update to make victims allergic to craft beer.

Pennsylvania residents can now legally buy and set off aerial fireworks this 4th of July, but are upset that the state levies 18% sales tax on them – they feel they’re being charged a blown-off arm and a blown-off leg.

Michael Cohen’s lawyers have reviewed millions of documents seized during a raid at his offices, and will claim attorney/client privilege over 12,000. The lawyers may not be very good, because they identified the 12,000 by seeing which ones had ‘attorney’ ‘client’ and ‘privilege’ typed on them.

First responders in New Hampshire were able to rescue a 2-year-old boy trapped under a pile of rocks. Said the fire chief “thank God that kid had so many Tonka trucks.”

In Arizona, local officials are warning that snakes may be hiding in pool noodles, after several reports from residents surprised to be finding snakes in them. One snake apologized, saying he napped in the pool noodle after getting exhausted playing all morning on the Slither n Slide.

Apple released its Schoolwork App, which allows teachers with iPads to manage classroom tasks like creating assignments and tracking students’ progress. Apple is continuing its discounts on iPads so teachers whose primary iPad is running the Schoolwork App have a second iPad for watching porn.

The Supreme Court upheld the Trump Administration’s controversial travel ban from Muslim-centric countries, dealing a critical blow to immigration activists and causing a huge sigh of relief from American tourists flying home from the Middle East.

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After a months-long investigation, a woman and her father were arrested for dumping popcorn and the empty bucket on a 2-year-old for talking during a screening of The Last Jedi. The child allegedly suffered a contusion, the accused were charged with excessive use of Force.

Walmart is entering the meal-kit business to take on the likes of Blue Apron and Hello Fresh.  Walmart will offer three different kits – each includes a bag of Doritos, a pair of scissors and a Redbox coupon.

A Cleveland mother was arrested after her 8-year-old son shot her 4-year-old daughter. The daughter is listed in stable condition; the 8-year-old hired an NRA lawyer and is expected to invoke the Stand Your Blanket Fort defense.

President Trump’s threats to levy tariffs on imported steel and aluminum was greeted with hostility by European officials, who threatened to tax U.S. exports of bourbon, Levi’s and Harley-Davidson motorcycles. “O non!” said the leader of the world’s least scary French motorcycle gang.

Entrepreneur Kristina Roth is opening SuperShe Island, a private luxury retreat off the coast of Finland where no men are allowed. The catch is that Roth personally selects the guests via the resort’s website. Roth said the number one selection criteria is ‘having an amazing personality’, followed by ‘being a really hot, rich lesbian’.

The Shape of Water won the Oscar for Best Picture. Match.com was down temporarily due to a surge in single women searching for single men with dorsal fins.

Kobe Bryant won an Oscar for producing a short film, as white people congratulated themselves on jokes about his ‘crossover’ into filmmaking.

An e-cigarette study published in the journal Pediatrics found five cancer-causing toxins in the urine of 16-year-olds using e-cigarettes. They also found alcohol and cocaine, so they fired the 17-year-old in charge of the study.

Skiers and snowboarders at Olympic Valley ski resort in California used their hands to rescue others who were covered by snow during a freak avalanche. The rescue would have happened sooner, but there was confusion from the text messages that read “dude I’m totally buried right now.”

University of Michigan defensive tackle prospect Maurice Hurst was sent home from the NFL Combine after doctors found a heart condition. They also found dozens of players with CTE symptoms but let’s….let’s get that heart checked out.

 

 

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In the wake of the Las Vegas shooting, Hilton and Disney hotels changed their Do Not Disturb policies, saying that employees will enter every guest room at least once a day. They’ll also add a $10/item fee for bellhop assistance taking guns to rooms.

The City of Philadelphia is considering cancelling their annual New Year’s Day Mummers Parade due to extreme cold, and to give the Mummers time to recover from frostbite and hangovers they get from attending the Eagles home game the day before.

France is considering expanding the Champagne region borders, and with it, the designation of wineries that can officially call their sparking wine “Champagne”. This will be a welcome economic boost to the Champagne border towns of Ventelay and Ice d’Smirnoff.

Combined box office revenues for Star Wars ‘The Last Jedi’; ‘The Force Awakens’; and ‘Rogue One’ have surpassed the $4 Billion price tag that Disney studios paid to acquire Lucasfilm. In less encouraging news, Disney CEO Bob Iger said they’ve not yet seen similar returns on the $75 it paid to acquire the Ernest universe from the estate of Jim Varney.

President Trump tweeted about poll results giving him a 47% approval rating – the same as Obama’s first presidential year – which aired on Fox And Friends. The Rasmussen poll surveyed 1,000 households, one on Pennsylvania Avenue, and 999 in Trump Tower and Russia.

President Trump also said that Amazon is underpaying the U.S. Postal Service, making the Post Office “dumber and poorer”. Amazon fired back, showing the Christmas card Trump left for his mailman with no tip in it.

Cleaning crews at three high-end hotels in China were caught on hidden camera using toilet brushes to clean the drinking glasses in guest rooms. Each hotel has been fined, despite receiving positive TripAdvisor feedback from cats and dogs reviewing their stays.

Work crews took down the lettering at the Trump SoHo Hotel in New York City as part of a name change. Owners are hoping that occupancy improves under its new name, The Barack.

A Houston man was arrested in the murder of his girlfriend, who police say was nearly decapitated with a samurai sword. “Nearly? Focus!” said the man’s samurai master.

Apple responded to being outed over its practice of slowing down older iPhone performance by cutting replacement battery prices from $79 to $29….plus a $49 tip for the douchebag at the Genius Bar.

Meghan Markle gives advice to women via quotes that appear in the new book ‘Game Changers: Success Secrets From 40 Women At The Top’. Among them “don’t give it five minutes if you can’t give it five years.” Women reading the quote paused, then continued masturbating.

 

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A high school art teacher in Arkansas was arrested, accused of having sex with four students. Her arraignment is delayed while she’s being treated for finger paint and paper mache infections.

Dozens of Florida women volunteered to do the laundry of visiting electrical linemen helping to restore power to the state after Hurricane Irma. Dozens of smarter Florida women are just buying the linemen new underwear.

For the first time in its 250-year history, the Marine Corps will have a female infantry officer. She will assume the post after completing mandatory training to prevent sexually harassing herself.

A Georgia area music teacher was removed from the classroom after giving her students printouts of vulgar rap lyrics and telling them to make them “more positive”. Of those students completing the assignment, the most popular n-word was “nurses”.

France is considering skipping the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea over security concerns, disappointing gamblers waiting to bet against the French men’s ice hockey team.

Travelers to Mexicali, Mexico are being warned about 7Up beverages contaminated with methamphetamine. One person has died from drinking it, and dozens more have died from routine chemical explosions at the bottling plant.

The FDA has recalled 11-ounce cans of Death Wish Nitro Cold Brew coffee because of botulism risk. An FDA spokesperson said the contaminated coffee could be lethal to drink, unless someone has built up an immunity drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

A California woman reported that while she watched HGTV, she heard a male voiceover speaking the warning “in the last days, extremely violent time will come.” No word from HGTV on whether they’ll air more episodes of House Hunters: Apocalypse.

Megyn Kelly Today debuts on NBC at 9a.m. Monday. Kelly assured reporters that “It’s not going to be the Trump channel.” Meanwhile Fox & Friends debuts a new show at 9a.m. Monday called The Trump Channel.

Former Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall told Bleacher Report that he now has a ‘dream job’ as a staff writer for HBO’s Ballers. Mendenhall said that he’s had a much easier time getting his pro football stories on screen than he did when he tried writing for Game of Thrones. 

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An 18 year-old competitor in the Wimbledon Junior Men’s Draw was ordered by tournament officials to change his underwear before a match, to comply with the All England Club’s ‘all-white’ apparel rules. The player complied, and swore off eating Taco Bell.

A security breach resulted in 6 million Verizon customers’ personal data being leaked online. The customers’ identities can now be stolen with 99% reliability.

NASA’s Juno mission has returned images and other data from Jupiter, with NASA scientists claiming Jupiter is nothing like they expected it to be.  Jupiter plans to update its Tinder profile.

Earlier this week an Evangelical group met with President Trump in the Oval Office. The members prayed with him, with some ‘laying hands’ on Trump, at least until the burning sensation overcame them and forced them to pull their hands away.

President Trump visited France at the invitation of newly-elected French President Macron. Along with their wives, they toured Napoleon’s Tomb. Trump said of the visit that Napoleon is both a “high quality person” and “one of his favorite ice creams.”

GOP Senators unveiled their newest draft health care bill on Thursday. Analysts say the bill features low-cost plans at bare-bones prices, while critics say the plans aren’t even health insurance, they’re just memberships to Planet Fitness.

TIME magazine provided a sneak peek at its upcoming cover, featuring Donald Trump Jr with red hands. TIME famously put President Trump on its cover as Person of the Year; Trump Jr may end up being Person Sentenced to Several Years.

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley sent a letter to Donald Trump Jr asking that he testify before the Senate Judiciary committee about his meeting with a Russian lawyer. Grassley said he would have emailed, but that he didn’t want, like, the whole world to see it.

A ‘Kid Rock for Senate’ website has emerged, leading to speculation that Kid Rock will run for a Senate seat in his home state of Michigan. Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent swiftly volunteered to join the ticket as Vice Senators, before being told there is no such thing.

Thursday is National French Fry Day — which is like Prime Day, only for heart disease.

The left tackle on Kansas State’s football team has come out as gay. He described the response to his announcement as overwhelming love and support – despite coming from the blind side.