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‘Thursday’ is a new dating app that only works on Thursdays, and all of a user’s matches disappear at the end of the day. Men who go on dates with women can keep dating them if it goes well, or label them C U Next Thursday if it doesn’t.

Russian chess player Amina Abakarova was suspended from competitive play after poisoning her opponent by spraying mercury on their pieces. Abakarova may also be disqualified from her upcoming appearance in the Werther’s Originals Checkers Grand Nationals.

Swimmers were shocked to see an alligator swimming in Lake Erie near Erie, Pennsylvania. The alligator isn’t exactly thrilled to be in Erie, Pennsylvania either.

A 7.1 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Japan triggered a tsunami warning, and a potential oversupply of sushi.

A California teacher was shocked when she discovered a bear had broken into her classroom and eaten all the granola bar snacks. She was even more shocked when the bear’s mother showed up to complain that the granola bars her child ate weren’t gluten free.

New research finds harmful bacteria can survive being microwaved. Although the bacteria eventually die from ingesting Hot Pockets and Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

A woman died of suicide after choking herself to death on a baggage carousel at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. Meanwhile, at Philadelphia Airport, at least 3 people died after collapsing after 7 hours waiting at a baggage carousel.

Two people were stabbed at a Philadelphia rehab center. One was stabbed and the other restabbed.

The Biden Administration is sponsoring new regulations to make it easier to unsubscribe to apps and online services, and to require the ability to speak with a live customer service rep. If passed, it’s expected to create millions of new jobs in India.

After Kamala Harris championed exempting service worker’s tips from taxes, Donald Trump said she doesn’t have any of her own ideas, she just steals his. Harris plans to greet Trump at their September debate by grabbing him by the balls.

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Nestle is recalling some pepperoni Hot Pockets because they may contain hard plastic and glass. The contamination was noticed by factory workers, but not a single person eating pepperoni Hot Pockets.

Fiat Chrysler merged with Peugeot to form the 4th-largest global automaker, Stellantis. Get ready to say “my Stellantis broke down”.

In advance of Inauguration Day, Los Angeles Police fortified security at the L.A. Zoo, fearing rioters could break in and wreak havoc by releasing animals. That, and a dozen baboons have been spotted in MAGA hats.

Legendary music producer Phil Spector died in prison; he hit the Wall Of No Sound.

Los Angeles County became the first in the nation to reach 1 million COVID-19 cases. They were on track to hit it a week ago, but traffic to the testing sites was terrible.

The FBI is investigating a report that January 6th D.C. rioters stole a laptop and plan to sell it to Russia. So far, Russians told the FBI they turned it down because they’re grossed out by Ted Cruz’s porn collection.

Donald Trump may issue 100 pardons on his final day in office. Every pardon comes with a Presidential Medal of Freedom, a ‘Be Best’ t-shirt, and the recipient’s choice of monthly auto-pay from checking or credit card.

Parler is back online. “Ok, where were we?…oh, right, violent domestic terrorism” said a group moderator.

Actors union SAG-AFTRA may stop production on Scott Baio/Kristy Swanson movie ‘Courting Mom & Dad’ for violating COVID-19 filming rules. Producers have already warned the film’s release to a bin at Walgreens checkout may be delayed.

German shepherd ‘Major’ Biden was celebrated at his InDogUration, celebrating his upcoming White House appointment as First Dog. He succeeds Tiffany Trump.

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Snopes disproved the story that Alabama man Kevin Greeson died at the January 6th DC riots of a heart attack after tasering himself in the testicles. Greeson did die of a heart attack, and medics unsuccessfully tried to revive him by tasering his nuts.

Hallmark Corporation requested the return of their campaign donations to Missouri Senator Josh Hawley, in the form of an eight-line poem in a card with To Our Special Little Boy on the front of it.

Other large corporations, including Blue Cross, Marriott, and several banks, have halted donations to Republicans. The GOP already asked the My Pillow guy to make up for it, but he’s committed to spending a million ad dollars a day on MeTV.

The NFL Philadelphia Eagles fired head coach Doug Pederson, less than three years after he led the team to its only Super Bowl victory. Local media penned multiple scathing articles condemning the move, starting with the phrase “not for nothin’..”.

The World Health Organization claims COVID-19 herd immunity won’t happen until 2022, but that death immunity will continue to grow in the meantime.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick cancelled an appearance in Washington to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Asked multiple times for comment on why, Belichick said “I’m just focused on the Dolphins” again and again.

Jacob Anthony Chansley – the horn & fur wearing QAnon Shaman from the January 6th riots – is refusing prison food because it isn’t organic. Chansley reportedly told his mother he’s worried about being sentenced to death by force-feeding Hot Pockets.

Mega Millions and Powerball jackpots both rose over the $500 million mark. Experts say odds of winning are about the same as getting a COVID vaccine before Memorial Day.

Donald Trump is reportedly “gutted” that the PGA Tour pulled the 2022 PGA Championship from Trump National golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey, and “furious” that they awarded it to Joe & Kamala’s Pitch n Putt in Bear, Delaware.

University of Michigan extended the contract of head football coach Jim Harbaugh, saying in a statement they’re proud to continue losing to Ohio State until 2026.

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The International Olympic Committee’s longest-serving member, Dick Pound, said he believes the IOC has three months to decide if the COVID-19 virus is controlled, or the Tokyo Olympics must be cancelled. He then fielded a half-hour of questions about his gay porn name.

Rush Limbaugh said on his radio program he’s “dead right” that the COVID-19 virus is “the common cold”, but is being weaponized to take down Donald Trump. Noting his advanced cancer, his critics said they, too, hope Limbaugh is “dead, right?”.

The jury has been released following the conviction of Harvey Weinstein on two sexual assault charges, and most are now receiving counseling for the PTSD they’re experiencing from having to look at photos of Weinstein nude.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down immediately, to be succeeded by Disney Parks CEO Bob Chapek. “How many f***ing times are they going to pass me over, Minnie?” squeaked a long-time employee.

The FDA is accusing sandwich chain Jimmy John’s of serving vegetables linked to E.coli and salmonella outbreaks. Company officials said they’ll do a better job convincing customers that vegetables have no place on sandwiches.

A 61-year-old woman who said she never drank showed high levels of alcohol in her urine and was diagnosed with “auto brewery syndrome”, where yeast in her bladder fermented. She’s debating between treatment, or continuing to sell Shirley’s Small-Batch IPA for $20/pint.

A Tokyo man shared the story of Nintendo replacing his 95-year-old mother’s broken Game Boy handheld which hasn’t been made since 2003. Nintendo found a brand new one in a warehouse, and the woman played it until her death at 99 when she was struck by a turtle shell.

The U.S. has begun testing a coronavirus vaccine at the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and boy is that goat tired of needles.

Michelle Janavs – heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune – was sentenced to 5 months in prison for her role in the College Admissions Scandal. It’s the longest frozen food prison sentence since the racketeering takedown of the notorious Totino’s Crime Family.

Struggling retailer GameStop is trialing three new “concept stores” at locations in Oklahoma, designed to be less focused on game sales, and more focused on social interaction. All three are Starbucks.

 

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Delta Airlines is hiring 1,000 new flight attendants. The airline says they’ve received over 125,000 applications for the openings, but expect many candidates will withdraw once they realize how opening soda cans ruins their nails.

Athletic shoe maker Asics is testing new shoes that can be customized by microwaving them. The innovation was enthusiastically welcomed by the makers of Hot Pockets, who are happy to now become the second-worst tasting thing you heat in your microwave.

A live-action Dora the Explorer film is in the works, with Michael Bay producing. The project’s working title is Dora the Exploder.

  • Bay picks up executive producing credit after Dora moved the project following her meeting with The Weinstein Company.

A sculpture of Napoleon sitting in a town hall building in New Jersey has been verified as the work of Auguste Rodin, valued at $4 million. The Chairman of New Jersey’s art & culture alliance is stumped as to when the sculpture was made, but assumes it dates back to before Rodin was killed by Godzilla.

Toy maker Hasbro warned of lower 4th quarter demand for toys, based on the bankruptcy proceedings of large retailer Toys R Us. Business is so slow, My Little Ponys have had to take on farm work and over half of Transformers are now doubling as Ubers.

Stephen Hawking’s 1966 doctoral thesis was released for public viewing on Cambridge University’s website, and traffic promptly crashed the site. Pornhub said they could import the documents and absorb the traffic, but nobody would believe anyone who said Hawking’s thesis is why they were there.

Mark Wahlberg, a practicing Catholic, told the Chicago Tribune – ahead of a meeting with Cardinal Blase Cupich – that he hopes God forgives him for his role in Boogie Nights.  Cardinal Cupich said he didn’t know about God, but asked Wahlberg for $20 back for Transformers The Last Knight.

Kid Rock told Howard Stern “F*ck no, I’m not running for Senate.” The Michigan GOP quickly shredded invitations to the $1,000-a-plate Bawitda-Ball fund raiser.

Cell phone video captured scenes of a Harry Styles concert at the Hollywood Bowl, where Styles’ crotch was grabbed by an aggressive fan near the stage. Styles did not grab the fan back, so the improper touching only went in one direction.

This year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade will feature the debut of a new balloon, Olaf the Snowman from Frozen.  The over/under on terrible Al Roker ‘Let It Go’ jokes is 15.