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A 29-year-old Florida woman was arrested after smearing her dog’s poop on the face of her 76-year-old neighbor following an argument. The dog confirmed it was his poop after sniffing the neighbor’s face.

Disgruntled Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden said he’s lost trust in General Manager Daryl Morey, comparing his situation to a bad marriage. Harden may be the only man in America seeking a different marriage while his current one pays him $33 million a year.

Madonna kicks off her ‘Celebration’ tour in London. She said the show features over 40 songs, although fans hope she means 40 different songs, and not songs she recorded since she turned 40.

Non-alcoholic beer sales are up 33 percent. Industry experts cite improved taste & quality, and Coors Light admitting it’s just tinted river water.

Philadelphia police are investigating a road rage shooting in a McDonald’s drive-thru. The victim was listed in stable condition after taking a bullet from a big MAC-10.

The 2028 Los Angeles Summer Olympics will add flag football. It will be the first Olympics with a concussion tent.

San Francisco 49ers running back Christian McCaffrey tied OJ Simpson’s record with a touchdown in his 15th straight game. “You’re killing it!” said his teammates.

The world’s first solar-powered off-road SUV just completed a trek across Morocco powered only by the sun. They now plan an even more challenging trek across the New Jersey Turnpike in the rain.

M&Ms claims their ‘Halloween Rescue Squad’ will deliver candy to your house on Halloween within an hour if you run out. Just tell them which front door covered in raw eggs and shaving cream is yours.

A man fired his family therapist after the doctor asked for tips following sessions with the man and his teen son. The therapist did give the man a tip, telling him his kid is bipolar.

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The NFL’s Cleveland Browns banned a fan who hit team owner Jimmy Haslam in the head with a bottle following the Browns loss to the New York Jets. Dozens of fans who threw bottles at Haslam and missed retain the privilege of paying to see the Browns.

The COO of meat substitute maker Beyond Meat was arrested for biting the nose of a man during an altercation after a college football game. The man’s nose will be reconstructed from ground lentils and tofu.

Elton John will perform at the White House. It will be Elton’s first 2pm performance in years, followed by an early bird special where President Biden will ask him whatever happened to his bandmates in the Bay City Rollers.

300 workers at Home Depot in Philadelphia filed to form a labor union – but none of them know what aisle the caulk is in.

Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Darius Slay intercepted a pass during the team’s Monday night game over the Minnesota Vikings, then gave the football to Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden. Harden then demanded the football be traded for a beer and nachos.

A New York City weatherman was fired after he posed nude on an adult webcam site. Viewers could expect anywhere from six to eight inches.

Donald Trump ally Kash Patel published a children’s book about a rigged election. Since it’s not a pop-up book, Trump is not expected to read it.

A U.S. health panel now recommends all adults under age 65 be screened for anxiety. Although they don’t have any ideas for what to do about adults with anxiety about doctor visits.

A judge halted the execution of an Alabama inmate who requested to die by nitrogen hypoxia, after his lawyers argued he would suffer “irreparable injury” from lethal injection. Alabama prison officials argued that irreparable injury is kind of the whole point of execution.

A Kentucky prosecutor was suspended for offering to assist a female defendant if she sent him nude photos. The prosecutor said he was just trying to help out his cousin.

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Police rescued an elderly woman who’d been held captive by an intruder; her daughter thought she was in trouble because she hadn’t shared her Wordle results for the day. Other home invaders are now asking victims to finish & share their puzzles..

A FedEx truck was carjacked in Philadelphia. Cops are hoping to find the suspect based on his tracking number.

Developers plan to create the largest restaurant in Philadelphia on the city’s riverfront. Liberty Point will take up 28,000 square feet, serve 1,400 diners, and getting your food will take around two days.

Watchers of the Beijing Winter Olympics are comparing the location of the alpine ski jump – next to an unused steel mill – to a ‘graveyard’. The gold medalist successfully jumped over 100 meters, as measured by the bodies of dead Chinese democracy protesters lining the landing area.

Snoop Dogg was sued for alleged sexual assault. He’ll still perform in the Super Bowl halftime show because the NFL said if sex criminals can play in the games, they might as well rap at halftime too.

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers traded disgruntled guard Ben Simmons to the Brooklyn Nets for their star guard James Harden. 76ers fans can’t wait for Harden to arrive, then blame him for another playoff failure in a couple of months.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers won his 4th NFL MVP Award but is getting the silent treatment from Joe Rogan, who he failed to thank in his acceptance speech.

Harvard and Emory University scientists created biohybrid fish in a lab using human cardiac cells. The fish swims by muscle contractions like a human heartbeat, but sadly it died of a heart attack, because they used cardiac cells from a fat guy in Mississippi.

New NASA photos reveal the dark side of Venus – you have to be over 18 to see them.

Researchers discovered the first evidence of respiratory illness in a 150 million-year-old dinosaur – the world’s largest rescue inhaler.