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The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

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Will Smith issued a written apology to Chris Rock for slapping him at the Oscars. Jada & Will Smith received Honorary Chairperson Awards from the Alopecia Awareness Foundation.

The January 6th Commission said a 7-hour gap exists in Donald Trump’s phone call logs provided to them. The Commission believes Trump used a different phone; Trump claims there were no calls because of a Three’s Company marathon on TV Land.

Walmart will stop selling cigarettes in some stores. Employees will be offered training on switching over to chewing tobacco.

The FDA authorized fourth Pfizer & Moderna COVID booster shots for Americans 50 & older. They’re available at local pharmacies & clinics, and free inside specially marked boxes of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

A new $26 billion NASA funding proposal includes a program for the first human exploration of Mars – and a second human exploration after the first ones die within minutes.

Scientists are hailing a ‘new era of medicine’ where drugs are customized based on the recipient’s DNA. Although street-level drug dealers say they’ll probably just keep selling the same junk to everyone.

A herd of deer stormed the patio area of a Wisconsin pub and one of them smashed through a picture window. The deer left within seconds with their Uber & Lyft passengers.

Kim Kardashian bought a $400,000 Maybach minivan to drive her four children around – although she was able to get the price down by trading in two of her kids.

A new trailer for Tom Cruise sequel Top Gun: Maverick was released, as the movie enters its third year of previews.

Guinness Book of Records recognized Victory Brinker as the World’s Youngest Opera Singer for performing at age 7. Her classmates also recognized her performance as part of the Longest, Worst, First Grade Talent Show ever.

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Hooters servers are complaining about the chain’s new uniforms, saying the black shorts are ‘more like underwear’ and result in near-constant wedgies. A Hooters spokesperson said of the complaints “that’s sort of the point”.

Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker proposed to Kourtney Kardashian. Kardashian said yes after consulting with producers, and will get around to telling her three kids.

Actress Jessica Chastain agreed to nude scenes in HBO’s ‘Scenes From A Marriage’, provided her co-star Oscar Isaac “show the same” as her. Critics and viewers both expressed their disappointment with Oscar Isaac’s boobs.

A University of Wisconsin study showed mice placed on intermittent fasting diets lived longer – compared to mice given a diet of peanut butter, who died prematurely from a spring loaded steel bar breaking their necks.

The January 6th Commission is expected to vote on criminal contempt charges for Steve Bannon, leading to his arrest. Right now police are trying to find handcuffs with a chain long enough to reach around his belly.

Evander Kane of the NHL San Jose Sharks has been suspended for 21 games for submitting a fake COVID-19 vaccination card. Officials determined the card’s Johnson & Johnson vaccine certification was actually the sticker off a baby shampoo bottle.

Kidnappers in Haiti are demanding $17 million to free American & Canadian missionaries held hostage. Their churches say they have the ransom, they just can’t find anyone willing to go to Haiti to drop it off.

Federal agents reportedly ambushed Severin Beckwith – a Brian Laundrie look-alike -while Beckwith hiked the Appalachian Trail. Feds realized their mistake and released Beckwith, who resumed burying the girlfriend he’d murdered.

A new People magazine article on the late Mary Kay Latourneau claims she had regrets over her affair with a 12-year-old boy – mainly because there was a 13-year-old she had her eye on.

Megan Thee Stallion shared a photo commemorating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Pardi Fontaine. Megan holds a cocktail glass between her buttocks as Fontaine sips it with a straw. She then twerked, leading to Fontaine requiring ten stitches to close the cuts.