In Germany, a ballet director was fired two days after smearing dog feces on the face of a critic who’d written a negative review. Nonetheless, the company’s principal dancer in Swan Lake will continue to be a Jack Russell terrier.

In Philadelphia, police are looking for a suspect who shot a woman, then fled after placing her in a golf cart. They’re concerned the woman may have suffered serious injuries on her 4th hole.

Facebook & Instagram announced they’re adding paid verification. For $15/month, your accounts can still be hacked, and Facebook & Instagram will verify it.

A decorative helicopter fell at the American Dream indoor water park in New Jersey, injuring several children. The park will offer PTSD counseling for the kids with Iraq war veterans who also saw downed helicopters.

A woman on a dating site claims she was “fatfished” by her male date, who was at least 40 pounds heavier than he appeared in profile photos. In response, the guy claims he was “flatfished” because she stuffed her bra in her pics.

Bravo host Andy Cohen said the Real Housewives reality shows “gave women over 50 a platform to express their sexuality”. Viewers hope that someday a different show will give women over 50 a platform to express a shred of intelligence and human decency.

Tiger Woods errant shot on the 13th hole at the Genesis Invitational ended with his ball landing in a fan’s jacket. That same night two of his balls landed between the legs of a server he met at Hooters.

A 1787 letter from George Washington is going to auction. In it, the future first President tells of financial struggles and a desire to sell land to raise money after finding out there was a $50 deductible on his wooden dental insurance.

A 57-year-old Florida woman arrested on shoplifting charges told cops performing a strip search that a used crack pipe protruding from her vagina was a sex toy. She then reached behind her and produced the receipt for it.

The City of London, England will provide free meals to all children in primary schools, as families struggle with inflation, and their kids struggle with the realization that British cooking is terrible.

Hooters servers are complaining about the chain’s new uniforms, saying the black shorts are ‘more like underwear’ and result in near-constant wedgies. A Hooters spokesperson said of the complaints “that’s sort of the point”.

Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker proposed to Kourtney Kardashian. Kardashian said yes after consulting with producers, and will get around to telling her three kids.

Actress Jessica Chastain agreed to nude scenes in HBO’s ‘Scenes From A Marriage’, provided her co-star Oscar Isaac “show the same” as her. Critics and viewers both expressed their disappointment with Oscar Isaac’s boobs.

A University of Wisconsin study showed mice placed on intermittent fasting diets lived longer – compared to mice given a diet of peanut butter, who died prematurely from a spring loaded steel bar breaking their necks.

The January 6th Commission is expected to vote on criminal contempt charges for Steve Bannon, leading to his arrest. Right now police are trying to find handcuffs with a chain long enough to reach around his belly.

Evander Kane of the NHL San Jose Sharks has been suspended for 21 games for submitting a fake COVID-19 vaccination card. Officials determined the card’s Johnson & Johnson vaccine certification was actually the sticker off a baby shampoo bottle.

Kidnappers in Haiti are demanding $17 million to free American & Canadian missionaries held hostage. Their churches say they have the ransom, they just can’t find anyone willing to go to Haiti to drop it off.

Federal agents reportedly ambushed Severin Beckwith – a Brian Laundrie look-alike -while Beckwith hiked the Appalachian Trail. Feds realized their mistake and released Beckwith, who resumed burying the girlfriend he’d murdered.

A new People magazine article on the late Mary Kay Latourneau claims she had regrets over her affair with a 12-year-old boy – mainly because there was a 13-year-old she had her eye on.

Megan Thee Stallion shared a photo commemorating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Pardi Fontaine. Megan holds a cocktail glass between her buttocks as Fontaine sips it with a straw. She then twerked, leading to Fontaine requiring ten stitches to close the cuts.

Police in the Philadelphia suburbs found a handgun in a substitute teacher’s car. He said he needs it to keep students from talking during the health class movie.

Quincy College’s commencement speaker, tech CEO Rob Hale, told 400 graduates that each would receive $1,000 – $500 to keep, and $500 to donate. The Quincy College post-commencement rager received $200,000 in donations toward drugs and alcohol.

A man donating fecal bacteria to his wife was informed he had “perfect poop” and could make $15,000/year selling it. Then he celebrated the good news with dinner at Taco Bell and lost $15,000/year in potential income.

Drake’s 3-year-old son burst into tears when they went on stage at the Billboard Music Awards to accept Artist Of The Decade honors – since even the toddler thought it should be Taylor Swift or Beyonce.

Justin Bieber debuted a new buzz cut, losing his controversial white-guy dreadlocks. No word on whether he donated the hair, although he was rumored to get an offer for it from the frontman of a Counting Crows tribute band.

Kevin Spacey will portray a police detective in a new film from Italian director Franco Nero, Apacey’s first role since sexual assault allegations emerged in 2017. Spacey is excited to play a police detective instead of playing a private dick.

80 Florida high school students had their yearbook photos modified without their knowledge to cover up exposed shoulders and cleavage. The students are outraged, saying they need the original photos to get interviews at Hooters.

Samoa was thrown into a constitutional crisis after a woman, Fiame Naomi Mata’afa, was elected Prime Minister, but the incumbent had her locked out of Parliament, saying he needed Samoa time to investigate the election.

25 U.S. states have fully-vaccinated 50% of residents against COVID-19. The rest are either opposed to the vaccine, or waiting for COVID vaccine lottery jackpots to get bigger.

Damiano David, frontman for glam-rockers Maneskin, agreed to take a drug test after his band won the Eurovision 2021 international song competition. Eurovision judges said the last thing they need is to have rock bands associated with illegal drug use.

A new art installation will allow people to walk atop Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River. The artist calls it ‘Walk On Piles Of Bodies In The Schuylkill River’.

Hooters is opening a new, fast-casual ‘spinoff’ restaurant focused on chicken wings. They’re calling it Dumpers.

A woman was charged with a felony for failing to return a ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ VHS tape rented in her name 22 years ago. That woman’s name is Melissa Joan Hart.

Researchers say a sedentary lifestyle is the #`1 cause of Type 2 diabetes, narrowly edging out Popeye’s.

Elon Musk said “a bunch of people will probably die” during SpaceX missions to Mars, a quote that’s being called “not the best joke to open your Saturday Night Live monologue”.

Anderson Cooper shared a photo of his one-year-old son, Wyatt, watching him host Jeopardy!. Cooper doesn’t know if his son is gay, but Wyatt had a tantrum at not seeing Aaron Rodgers.

Powerlifter Chad Penson won the 2021 U.S. Open, becoming the first 198-pound man to squat 881 pounds. He took his place in the gold medal spot atop the podium, while his genitals dragged on the floor below.

Democrats introduced new legislation to lower the qualifying age for Medicare from 65 to 50. Critics say doing so would harm the workforce because more people would retire earlier from their terrible jobs at McDonald’s and Walmart.

Yahoo! released its rankings of fast-food chicken sandwiches, in an article that shocked Americans who didn’t know Yahoo! still existed.

A 71-year-old driver suffered minor head injuries when a turtle crashed through her windshield on Interstate 95 in Port Orange, Florida. No injuries were reported to reptile daredevil Turtel Knurtel, who plans another attempt to jump I-95 later this year.

Uber laid off 400 people on its marketing team – and added 400 people to its driving team.

A recent exposé in The Guardian claims Apple’s ‘Siri’ assistant routinely records people having sex. “Trust me, it’s not as cool as you think” said Siri.

North America will experience its second New Moon of the month on July 31st, also known as a Black Moon. President Trump called the Black Moon a dust-infested dump that should go back where it came from.

Professional eating champion Joey Chestnut spent National Chicken Wing Day in a Hooters restaurant, where he ate 413 wings in 12 hours. Afterward, he had trouble fitting into his shiny orange shorts.

Founder Elon Musk said that Tesla electric vehicles will soon add video streaming from Netflix and YouTube – so drivers can stay entertained while they engage autopilot and the car drives itself into the back of a tractor-trailer.

Julie K. Brown, a Miami Herald reporter whose articles about Jeffrey Epstein led to sex trafficking charges, sold a book that she wrote about him. Epstein did not participate, even though Brown offered to make it a pop-up book.

A passenger on Middle East Airlines gave birth to a baby girl in the plane’s restroom during a flight from Qatar to Lebanon. The unhappiest passengers on the flight were the one who sat next to the crying newborn, and whoever was next in line for the restroom.

Artists installed seesaws that span the U.S./Mexico border so that kids on either side can play together. However, Border Patrol agents are worried that Mexicans will use the seesaws to catapult themselves over the wall into U.S. territory.

44 people in China were injured at a water park when a “tsunami pool” generated a larger-than-expected wave. Officials cited an electrical system malfunction, after a thorough search turned up no signs of Godzilla.

A new study claims that by not eating the core and seeds of apples, people are missing out on most of its healthy gut bacteria. The study looked at the abundance of healthy bacteria in people who choked to death eating apple cores.

U.S. Attorneys discovered photos and images on discs, believed to be of underage girls, at the home of billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. They thanked an elite tactical team of junior high boys enlisted for the search, highly skilled in finding porn hidden in anyone’s house.

For just the second time, a woman has given birth after receiving a uterus transplanted from a deceased donor. The donor remains anonymous, but was described as “almost frigid”.

Mini Cooper debuted its first fully electric vehicle. It can travel up to 180 miles carrying four environmentally-conscious lesbians.

A 13-year-old Canadian scientist has proven that decibel levels of restroom hand dryers are harmful to children’s hearing – as are the general decibel levels following Taco Tuesday in the school cafeteria.

Facebook published its 2019 diversity report, saying that it’s looking to expand the number of women and minority employees from current levels, to “some”.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York on Thursday, which started “when we’re ready, OKAY?!” said the women.

Golfer John Daly was refused the use of a riding golf cart by the Open Championship in Ireland. Daly dropped out of the tournament and started looking for an Irish Hooters parking lot where he could sign autographs.

Twitter announced new rules banning hate speech based on religion, as part of its commitment to a culture of trust, safety and respect which will never exist.

Disney is recalling its Toy Story 4 “Forky” plush toy because its plastic eyes could detach and cause a choking hazard. They advise taking the toy from children, then watching as the rest of your child’s toys risk their lives trying to get it back.

Shadow Cabaret strip club will host a charity golf tournament at Trump Doral in Florida featuring strippers as ‘caddy girls’ – raising questions about why the Trump organization would host the event, and bigger questions about why the President isn’t playing in it.

KFC temporarily closed hundreds of restaurants in the United Kingdom because they’ve run out of chicken. The closures have resulted in an unexpected surge in U.K. gun sales to nervous cats, small dogs and large rodents.

Switzerland banned boiling live lobsters, but also passed legislation legalizing assisted shellfish suicide.

  • Going forward, seafood restaurants will be required to offer Lobster Hospice.

ABC Networks recently revealed that it tests contestants on ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ for sexually transmitted diseases; this, after penicillin and Valtrex pills kept falling out of the roses.

President Trump took to Twitter to criticize Oprah Winfrey’s interviews with Michigan voters that aired on ’60 Minutes’, meaning efforts by Trump aides to distract him with with the NBA Mascot Slam Dunk Competition were unsuccessful.

Google claims its artificial intelligence can predict heart disease or stroke by looking at a person’s retinal images. The technology seeks out specific patterns in retinal vessels, and reflections of Hooters waitresses.

Marvel’s “Black Panther” brought in $192 million during its three-day North American debut, shattering records for ticket sales and audience comments directed at the screen.

A family of 23 people was removed from the Carnival Legend after inciting repeated brawls during the ship’s cruise of the Australian coast. Other passengers who say their trips were ruined by the fighting were insulted by Carnival’s conciliatory offer of 25% off a future cruise. Carnival then countered by upping the offer to include a kangaroo bodyguard.

Aleksandr Krushelnitckii, Russian bronze medalist in mixed doubles curling, is under suspicion of doping after his first sample tested positive for meldonium. Krushelnitckii defended himself, saying the performance-enhancing drugs were for sex with his hot wife & Internet sensation Anastasia Bryzgalova, since curling requires no athletic talent.

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting a “First Lady style” welcome when she visits Pyeongchang for the Olympics — meaning, a bed three rooms away from her husband’s in a room that locks from the inside.

French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis left the ice in tears after her halter top became unhooked during her program, exposing the bottom of her breast. Papadakis and partner Guillaume Cizeron received a combined score of 81.93, which was weighed down by an individual score of ‘Take It All Off’ from a since-removed U.S.A. judge.