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2020 U.S. Census results are expected to show the number of white people in the U.S. shrinking, and population growth driven entirely by other ethnic groups. The Proud Boys are considering calling themselves a minority supremacy group.

David Schwimmer denied recent reports that he’s dating Friends co-star Jennifer Aniston. Aniston said they’re still on a permanent break.

Authorities in Italy say the island of Sicily may have set an all-time heat record of 119.8 degrees – driven by a rare anticyclone, and grandmothers refusing to turn their ovens off baking manicotti.

Southwest Airlines said the COVID-19 Delta variant is hurting its business, saying they have fewer drunk & disorderly passengers to pick the seat they get duct-taped into.

Tropical depression Fred is set to hit Florida. It’s set to be the second-biggest depression in Florida, the first being sick kids on ventilators in hospitals.

America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell got emotional speaking with contestant Jane ‘Nightbirde’ Marczewski, praising her courage and talent as she battles cancer. Cowell then promptly returned to telling other people how much they suck.

An asteroid called Bennu has a chance of striking Earth sometime in the next 300 years. “Could you be more specific?” asked Earthlings.

Taco Bell debuted their Taco Bell Defy concept, a drive-thru only restaurant with four lanes – one traditional, two for mobile pickups, and one for the ambulance.

A piece of Prince Charles & Princess Diana’s wedding cake from 1981 sold for over $2,000. Unlike Charles & Diana, it recently celebrated it’s 40th Anniversary on July 29th.

A judge ruled Norwegian Cruise Lines can mandate COVID vaccines for passengers and crew boarding tours departing from Florida, scoring a victory for traveler’s rights to get seasick.

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Applebees, Denny’s, Olive Garden and other restaurants are offering free meals in honor of Veterans Day. To receive the free meal, you must be a military veteran, or a food service veteran with PTSD.

In honor of Veterans Day, President Trump will attend a service honoring canines who wanted to serve, but were diagnosed with bone spurs in all four paws.

Much of the United States will experience record-breaking cold this week. It’s expected to break over 200 records, and shrink the number of August 2020 births by 80 percent on account of thick, fuzzy pajamas.

‘Love & Hip-Hop’ star Trina got into a fight at a Florida Walmart after bumping shopping carts with a woman who then called her a ‘n***** bitch’. Walmart said they were cancelling all remaining Black Friday dress rehearsals.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said the rental service will now verify all of its listings, to give renters the peace of mind they need before they’re assaulted or murdered in a stranger’s house on vacation.

Food Network published a list of ‘100 Food Safety Red Flags’. Among them are: servers who appear to be ill; food that’s the wrong temperature; or anyone saying “welcome to Waffle House”.

Warner Brothers Animation released the trailer for Scoob! – the first feature-length animated Scooby-Doo film in decades. It’s the second-most anticipated movie in the Scooby-Doo Universe, right after Death of Scrappy-Doo.

A CBS News investigative report claims dating app fixation is causing user burnout. Users of dating apps say they’d be okay with it if the burnout was in their genitals, not their brains.

Jennifer Aniston was recognized as the 2019 ‘People’s Icon’ at the People’s Choice Awards. She’s only the second performer to receive it, the first being someone we’ve already forgotten about.

The Department of Transportation issued guidelines for families booking air travel, so that they’ll be seated together. They include booking early; reviewing an airline’s seating policy; and making sure Dad isn’t changing his seat assignment on purpose.

 

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A former NASA scientist claims that in 1976, the Viking landers found evidence of life on Mars. He added it wasn’t exactly a fun life.

The XFL draft takes place today at 10 a.m. via conference call. “Could whoever has a barking dog please mute?” said the League Commissioner.

Travis Scott took a nasty onstage fall at the Rolling Loud Music Festival in Queens on Saturday, telling the crowd he thought he broke his knee. After the show, he brought several female fans backstage to crouch down and examine it.

Megyn Kelly, who was fired from the NBC Today Show after discussing kids of her era wearing blackface on Halloween, will be a guest on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show to promote her new line of Halloween costumes.

Elton John’s new memoir mentions Michael Jackson’s later years, saying he was “..in a world of his own, surrounded by people who only told him what he wanted to hear.” Elton then talks about all the compliments he gets about his real-looking hair.

Scarlett Johansson says that a movie featuring all-female Marvel Superheroes would be “explosive and unstoppable”.  It would feature male Marvel heroes asking what’s wrong with the way they’re fighting evil, and the females saying “nothing…it’s great”.

Dusty Baker is rumored to be a candidate for the Philadelphia Phillies manager job, after stadium workers were seen installing one of those motorized seats to climb the dugout steps.

Italy’s mountain village of Sardinia is posting signs telling tourists not to rely on Google Maps driving directions, because their cars will get stuck on rugged roads. They also say not to use Google Maps walking directions, after several tourists walked off cliffs.

Jennifer Aniston’s new Instagram account crashed shortly after her first post – a photo with all six of the ‘Friends’. Aniston said the photo wasn’t really complete, because the duck and the monkey were both dead. 

Whitney Houston is among the 2020 nominees for induction to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – opening the door just a crack for the 2036 campaign of Color Me Badd.

 

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Saudis deny involvement in leaks of Jeff Bezos’ private photos, saying his story is pretty boring since a multibillionaire with one wife and one mistress is really just a Starter Kit.

‘This Is America’ won Song of the Year at last night’s Grammy Awards — paving the way for the grand opening of the new Childish Gambino Cabaret Theater in Branson, Missouri.

Senator Elizabeth Warren announced she’s running for President. She’d been delaying her announcement until the weather was favorable enough for smoke signals to be seen from a great distance.

A New Zealand restaurant apologized when a server presented a receipt marked ‘Asians’ to a table, presumably to distinguish them from other patrons. The diners complained, and they were presented with a new receipt marked ‘Angry Asians’.

The U.S. Army described their specifications for the Next Generation Squad Weapon [NGSW], a high-tech rifle for future fighting forces. They say it will boost hit probability at long range, adjust for atmospheric conditions, and stop firing when it hears school bells ring.

Jennifer Aniston turned 50, making her eligible to star in romantic comedies opposite Robert Deniro.

Sportscaster Bob Costas claims he was fired by NBC Sports and prevented from hosting Super Bowl 52 because he spoke openly about concussions. Peers and fans alike defended Costas, saying he isn’t the only one wanting to concuss Cris Collinsworth.

Samsung is hosting a press conference on February 20, in which they’re expected to show off a new folding smartphone. Consumers are wary, thinking that once unfolded, it will be impossible to fold it back the right way ever again.

Dating app Bumble introduced ‘Spotlight’, its own version of Tinder’s ‘Boost’, where users can pay extra to have their profiles moved up to the front of the queue for 30 minutes. Bumble claims that, so far, it’s been a huge hit with rich ugly men.

McDonald’s added Donut Sticks to its McCafe Menu. They’ll only be available during breakfast hours, but if you insist on something sweet and bad for you after 10:30a.m., they’ll dump sugar on your french fries.