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A man in his underwear ran onto the tarmac at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, jumped on the wing of a Delta plane, and pounded on the windows while yelling at the passengers inside. He was then joined on the wing by several others once Delta announced the final boarding group for the flight.

Toys R Us officially closes the doors on all of its stores Friday, becoming Toys WR Us.

Actress Shailene Woodley said she was “f—in miserable” eating a 350-calorie-per-day diet for her latest film ‘Adrift’ where she portrays a woman lost at sea. Woodley now says she is “still f—in miserable” because no one saw the movie.

Costco is partnering with food startup Apeel Sciences to sell avocados treated with a natural coating that makes them last twice as long — up to 2 hours.

Minor league baseball team Staten Island Yankees is rebranding as the Staten Island Pizza Rats for several Saturday games this summer. However, the change angered Italians on Staten Island, who canceled Italian Heritage Night at the park. Instead, Staten Island Italians will celebrate their heritage by sitting on their porches in wifebeaters.

President Trump is reportedly consulting with advisers to identify a successor to White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.  Front-runners are Mike Pence’s Chief of Staff Mike Ayers, Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, and Apprentice Champion-slash-Poison lead singer Bret Michaels.

On average, one person was murdered every 15 minutes in Mexico in the month of May. And that’s just from the unlimited well drinks at Sandals.

Toy Story Land opens at Disney World this weekend, offering something for children and adults; new attractions include Slinky Dog Dash, Alien Swirling Saucers, and the Bo Peep Show.

California just passed the strictest online privacy law in the country, allowing residents to dictate if their personal data can be sold. Lawmakers in Mississippi are also considering online privacy laws, but first need to understand how the dang Internet works, anyhow.

A shortage of carbon dioxide is causing the U.K. to ration beer. Queen Elizabeth can now only get hammered four nights a week.

 

 

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The Smithsonian Institution introduced its newest guide, a 4-foot-tall robot named Pepper. “So, who else besides me is already bored?” said Pepper before being replaced by an older robot that appreciates history.

Stormy Daniels filed a defamation lawsuit against President Trump, because why not, when a person who takes money for having sex sincerely believes her character was damaged by the guy paying for it.

Unnamed White House staffers told NBC News that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly referred to President Trump on several occasions as “an idiot”. This has upset the Secret Service, who are concerned about Kelly randomly using their code word for the President.

ESPN is rumored to be offering Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten $4 million to become the new lead analyst on Monday Night Football – this, in addition to the money they allegedly paid Jon Gruden to shut up and leave.

Former Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore filed a complaint claiming that he was the target of a political conspiracy by women alleging to be victims of sexual assault by Moore. Moore asserts that the women caused him to lose his election for Alabama senator, and got him banned for life from Chuck E. Cheese.

African-American activists have convinced Starbucks to bar anti-Semitism group Anti-Defamation League from Starbucks upcoming anti-bias training session. Starbucks said they’ve scheduled a second, Jewish customer anti-bias training, for Yom Kippur.

Kim Jong Un is reportedly considering meeting President Trump at the Korean DMZ – although insiders assume they both mistakenly think they’re meeting at TMZ.

Jennifer Garner tweeted a photo of a note reading “I love farts” written by her 6-year-old son Samuel — and optioned by Sony Pictures for an upcoming film directed by his father, Ben Affleck.

A 12-year-old boy returned to school, after being trapped underwater for 8 minutes at a North Carolina resort’s ‘lazy river’.  Operators of the resort said if the kid warescued faster, he should have gotten stuck under the ‘ambitious river’.

OnePoll surveyed 2,000 U.S. workers and compiled a list of the 10 most ‘cringeworthy’ office phrases, topped by “Give it 110%” and “think outside the box”. Surprisingly absent from the list?.. “we’re eliminating your position”.

Avengers – Infinity War actress Elisabeth Olsen said that if she could change her Scarlet Witch costume, she wouldn’t reveal so much cleavage; adding that she would have hidden one of the Infinity Stones in between her breasts, but Thanos could easily see it was there.

 

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White House Communications Director Hope Hicks acknowledged during questioning by the House Intelligence Committee that she sometimes tells ‘white lies’ – the most frequent being “great idea, sir” and “your hair looks great.”

Dick’s Sporting Goods announced that they will no longer sell assault-style weapons or high-capacity ammo magazines, but their highly-trained staff will happily show you the best ways to kill somebody with a softball bat or tennis racquet.

  • Meanwhile Cabela’s kicked off their annual High Capacity Magazine & Armor Piercing Bullet Blowout.

White House Senior Adviser Jared Kushner was stripped of his Top Secret Security Clearance by White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, who just got himself totally uninvited to Passover Seder.

Kushner was informed of his security clearance downgrade prior to his attendance at a meeting on prison reform, where he was picking out a mattress and sheets for his cell.

Faculty at Lehigh University voted to rescind the Honorary Degree given to Donald Trump in 1988.  Trump was seen with aides frantically updating his resume before his next big interview.

White House Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller was caught sleeping during a speech by Trump regarding school safety – and in doing so, finally giving White House staffers something to say they have in common with Stephen Miller.

The body of deceased Pastor Billy Graham will lie in honor at the U.S. Capitol on Wednesday.  President Trump will attend memorial services for Graham, then lie in dishonor on Twitter.

Amazon is acquiring Ring, a maker of video doorbells and security cameras, and will partner with Ring on a new Amazon Prime series ‘Best Of Stolen Amazon Delivery Videos’.

At a Dolce & Gabbana show during Fashion Week in Milan, airborne drones modeled Dolce & Gabbana purses, flying them up and down the runway. After the show, the drones were seen vomiting oil after being told they needed to lose weight.

 

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A couple who met on an Internet dating site were found guilty of plotting an ISIS-inspired bomb attack during Christmastime in Britain. During questioning, the man admitted to being lured by the catchy jingle of Terroristsonly.com

According to CBS News, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has told workers to decide by the end of January if they plan on leaving in 2018.  “Probably” replied Melania.

Former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told CNN that former Trump chief strategist Steve Bannon was a “bad hire”; causing Homeland Security to raise the Domestic Irony Threat Level from Orange to Red.

Steve Bannon stepped down as President of Breitbart News Network on Tuesday. Breitbart released a statement that Bannon was leaving to focus on a new site dedicated to couture fashion, grooming and sobriety.

A Louisiana woman lured an Uber driver to her house where she kissed him while topless so that her boyfriend could rob him. The couple were arrested. The woman received a one-star review for the cancelled trip, and a three-star review for her breasts.

A new study links ibuprofen to reduced sperm count in men, although the study’s author warned women asking if their partner ‘has protection’ should not accept ‘Advil’ as an answer.

A Philadelphia woman had her money and car stolen by two other women while she worked out at Planet Fitness. The thieves remain at large, and the victim was barred from Planet Fitness for judging them.

Harvey Weinstein was pummeled by a man in a drunken rage at an Arizona resort, after Weinstein refused to pose for a photo with him. Police arrested the man and Weinstein returned to his room, put on only a bathrobe, and waited for help to arrive.

According to the Daily Mail, 95-year-old Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee has been accused of sexual harassment by female nurses. The women allege that Lee groped them, walked around naked in their presence, and repeatedly asked if their Spidey Sense was tingling.

Airfare data firm Fare Compare released its list of the “Worst Days to Fly” in 2018. Dates include Presidents Day weekend, the March start of Spring Break, and red-eye flights after any pilot’s birthday happy hour.

 

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Kevin Spacey, co-star of the summer smash film Baby Driver, has not been offered a role in the sequel, Teen Driver.

Giant 24-inch footprints of a 200-million-year-old carnivorous dinosaur have been discovered in Southern Africa. No fossils have been found, but archaeologists know the creature is really old because the footprints have a ‘Skechers’ logo in them.

Selena Gomez broke up with her boyfriend of 10 months, telling close friends she was taking The Weekend off.

A 27 year old Japanese man has been arrested after Tokyo police found as many as nine bodies in coolers in his apartment. He was taken into custody and stripped of his sushi license.

The 10-year-old daughter of an Apple engineer claims her father was fired because she released a YouTube video showing off the iPhone X prior to its formal release.  The video is generally positive, but opens with several minutes of the phone failing to recognize her face and asking for hints.

Actress Ariane Bellamar has accused Jeremy Piven of sexual assault on the set of ‘Entourage‘, surprising Hollywood insiders who felt that the biggest crime involving Entourage was making it into a movie.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said that the Civil War was caused by a “lack of ability to compromise” and, based on his knowledge of history, Union soldiers kneeling in protest when Confederate soldiers played ‘Dixie’ prior to battles.

Under Armour stock tumbled after releasing lower-than-expected earnings and a reduced 4th quarter sales forecast. Responding to rumored supply chain issues, Under Armour CEO dismissed them, saying the company has a steady supply of basketball players who want ugly shoes.

Japanese news organizations are reporting fatalities in the collapse of a tunnel at a North Korean nuclear missile site. President Trump placed a call to ISIS asking for advice on how to take credit for something terrible that you had nothing to do with.

Corey Feldman is trying to crowdfund $10 million on indiegogo to produce a film that will name the names of dangerous Hollywood pedophiles. So far he’s raised only 2%, or $169,000, and may just name the names in a bonus commentary track of a Blu-ray re-release of Meatballs 4.