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Following their divorce, Melinda Gates is stepping down as Co-Chair of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation – which will continue its charitable work as the Bill Gates & Some Hot Girl That Jeffrey Epstein Introduced Him To Foundation.

Judge Judy is suing the National Inquirer for publishing a story claiming she’s helping the Menendez Brothers get a new trial. Judy claims she’s not pushing for their retrial, but she is hoping they get freed so they can co-star with her in a sitcom.

The WNBA started funding teams’ charter travel to road games. Two teams traveled on charter jets, two more traveled on charter buses, and the rest charter hitchhiked.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania man appeared in court after his arrest for allegedly breaking in to two women’s apartments and stealing their underwear. His attorney plans to file briefs with the court once he collects them all from the defendant.

Red Lobster workers in the Northeast were ‘blindsided’ as the chain abruptly closed 50 restaurants. Managers, servers & kitchen staff were given no warning, and lobsters had to find their own rides back to the ocean.

Kelly Clarkson finally admitted using a weight-loss drug to help shed approximately 60 pounds, but that “it isn’t Ozempic”. She’s previously claimed she lost the weight via “walks and cold plunges”, leading people to assume she took an ice bath after walking to liposuction.

Google is beta-testing a feature on its Google Messages app that allows users to edit text messages after they’ve already been sent. This comes as welcome news to everyone who’s ever texted ‘go duck yourself’ to someone.

Three inmates who bludgeoned notorious crime boss Whitey Bulger to death in a West Virginia prison accepted plea deals. Charges weren’t announced, but are believed to be assault, and unlawful use of the free weights in the recreation yard.

Following the resignation of Miss Teen USA for issues with pageant management, the runner-up said she doesn’t want the crown either. If one of the other 48 contestants doesn’t take it, the title will go to Miss Pre-Teen USA.

Kate Gosselin posted a Happy Birthday message to 4 of her sextuplets as they turned 20. The other two no longer speak to her and sided with their father, Jon. An older set of twins also took Kate’s side. Seizing on the dysfunction, TLC Network is offering them a new show, ‘Jon & Kate Plus Hate’.

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Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

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Extended drought lowered the level of Nevada’s Lake Mead, to the point where it revealed a sunken World War II-era Higgins Boat used to carry personnel for sea-to-land invasions. In addition to the boat, researchers found a terrible set of directions to Normandy Beach.

A woman in Reddit’s “Am I The A**hole” forum said she interrupted her husband’s online livestream after coming home to find their 7-month-old unfed and with a full diaper. She claimed their baby had livestreamed her pants at least an hour earlier.

KLM Airlines told passengers at Amsterdam’s airport their systems broke and they wouldn’t accept any checked bags. Bathroom lines were a quarter-mile long as smugglers frantically moved all the drugs they could from suitcases to their rectums.

Baywatch star Donna D’Errico clapped back at women who said she’s too old to post Instagram photos in a bikini at age 54. Supporters came to her aid, including a horny David “Mitch Buchannon” Hasselhoff, who sang “I’ll be there” as he rang her doorbell.

Donald Trump reportedly watched the January 6th riots on tv for 187 consecutive minutes. The January 6th Commission called it a dereliction of duty, and the longest tv program to hold his attention since the Miss Teen USA Pageant.

A 20-person brawl between two groups erupted at Disney World after a disagreement about line-cutting. Disney Cast Member personnel finall broke it up after two princesses and Wizard Mickey failed to stop it with magic spells.

A teacher went viral on Tik Tok for saying he left his $43,000/yr teaching job to make $65-70,000 as a Walmart manager by “not using his degree”. That, and he gets to steal a lot cooler stuff than just school supplies.

Bruce Springsteen fans are outraged by Ticketmaster’s ‘dynamic pricing’ of tickets to his 2023 tour as high as $5,000 each. They’re even angrier at dynamic ‘You Might Also Like’ suggestions of John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band tickets for $5 each.

Qantas Airlines booked a couple’s 13-month-old baby on a separate flight from Europe to Thailand as they tried to make their way home to Australia. The baby was cool with it since the parents were angry and he was looking forward to breast-feeding from somebody new.

A woman who has sex with her husband on Only Fans had trouble keeping up with her husband’s libido, so she spent $1,800 on a lookalike sex doll. She’s glad her husband has sex with the doll, but angry that the new Only Fans he started with the doll makes more money.