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The Invisible Man brought in close to $30 million this weekend – as billionaire Tom Steyer checked his savings account and dropped out of the presidential race.

As part of an agreement to lower the number of U.S. troops in Afghanistan, over 5000 Taliban fighters will be released, and added to UFC lineups in Kabul.

Tony Romo agreed to a record $17 million per year deal to remain an NFL analyst at CBS Sports. Meanwhile, at ESPN, Booger McFarland agreed to pay $2 million per year to keep saying nonsense on Monday Night Football.

Washington state is investigating a possible coronavirus outbreak at a nursing home. The good news is that the visitors lounge was empty anyway.

Buckingham Palace officially confirmed that Harry & Meghan will be allowed to retain their royal titles – Black Sheep & Golddigger.

Workers at Disney World retrieved an iPhone 11 from the Seven Seas Lagoon attraction after it had been dropped in the water at a Halloween party – though the phone’s owner was shocked to see naked pics of Ariel that Sebastian took under the sea.

The Surgeon General urged Americans to stop buying face masks to prevent coronavirus, saying the shortage is hindering the ability to get them for medical professionals and ugly people.

The last crew members on board the contaminated Diamond Princess cruise liner were evacuated, and the ship will return to port to be sterilized. Once seaworthy, it will relaunch with the captain breaking a bottle of Clorox over its bow.

Google apologized after its Nest home security cameras stopped working during a 17-hour outage. Subscribers to video cloud storage will receive a $5 refund, and creeps will get an update of what the small child they’re stalking did during the 17 hours.

Public Enemy fired Flavor Flav. Founder Chuck D said the group has been called a lot of names over the years, but never flavorless.

Americans will soon rely on methods other than passwords as the main form of cybersecurity, according to Vijay Balasubramaniyan – CEO of Pindrop, an online security company – who admits he uses his last name as a password and no one has cracked it.

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President Trump said he takes North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ‘at his word’ when denying involvement in the death of American prisoner Otto Warmbier. Democrats found it unbelievable that Trump finds Un believable.

Trump took to Twitter to demand Congress obtain a manuscript of Michael Cohen’s purported tell-all book — then give him the gist of it with lots of pictures so he can say he read it.

In the wake of sexual misconduct allegations, singer Ryan Adams scheduled tour of the U.K. & Ireland has been cancelled, although the backstage meet-and-greets are still on.

Jason Witten will leave the Monday Night Football announcer booth and return to play tight end for the Dallas Cowboys next season – a move that surprised many because Tony Romo didn’t call it right before it happened.

Governor of Washington state Jay Inslee announced his plan to seek the Democratic nomination for President. Inslee will run on a platform about climate change – and is already making a difference, given the cool reception to his candidacy.

Amazon is giving Prime members the option to choose a single day of the week to have their packages delivered. Amazon says this lets them conserve resources, reduce their carbon footprint, and help porch pirates plan their schedules.

Nintendo’s job recruitment website says its employees in Japan stay with the company an average of 13.5 years and make $80,000 annually – even more if they avoid turtles and find bonus levels.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics posted data showing the highest-paying job in every state. Doctors & surgeons topped the rankings in most states, with the exception of the Deep South, where dentists typically are broke and bored from lack of patients.

The company that owns Old Navy and Gap are splitting them up. Gap will be combined with Banana Republic in a new company dubbed ‘Mom & Dad’ and Old Navy will operate as an independent company called ‘God, just leave me alone.’

Sexual abuse claims against Catholic priests and their church dioceses in New York State threaten to send them into bankruptcy. So keep an eye out for great deals on stained glass windows and reclaimed hardwood benches.

 

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The Smithsonian Institution introduced its newest guide, a 4-foot-tall robot named Pepper. “So, who else besides me is already bored?” said Pepper before being replaced by an older robot that appreciates history.

Stormy Daniels filed a defamation lawsuit against President Trump, because why not, when a person who takes money for having sex sincerely believes her character was damaged by the guy paying for it.

Unnamed White House staffers told NBC News that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly referred to President Trump on several occasions as “an idiot”. This has upset the Secret Service, who are concerned about Kelly randomly using their code word for the President.

ESPN is rumored to be offering Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten $4 million to become the new lead analyst on Monday Night Football – this, in addition to the money they allegedly paid Jon Gruden to shut up and leave.

Former Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore filed a complaint claiming that he was the target of a political conspiracy by women alleging to be victims of sexual assault by Moore. Moore asserts that the women caused him to lose his election for Alabama senator, and got him banned for life from Chuck E. Cheese.

African-American activists have convinced Starbucks to bar anti-Semitism group Anti-Defamation League from Starbucks upcoming anti-bias training session. Starbucks said they’ve scheduled a second, Jewish customer anti-bias training, for Yom Kippur.

Kim Jong Un is reportedly considering meeting President Trump at the Korean DMZ – although insiders assume they both mistakenly think they’re meeting at TMZ.

Jennifer Garner tweeted a photo of a note reading “I love farts” written by her 6-year-old son Samuel — and optioned by Sony Pictures for an upcoming film directed by his father, Ben Affleck.

A 12-year-old boy returned to school, after being trapped underwater for 8 minutes at a North Carolina resort’s ‘lazy river’.  Operators of the resort said if the kid warescued faster, he should have gotten stuck under the ‘ambitious river’.

OnePoll surveyed 2,000 U.S. workers and compiled a list of the 10 most ‘cringeworthy’ office phrases, topped by “Give it 110%” and “think outside the box”. Surprisingly absent from the list?.. “we’re eliminating your position”.

Avengers – Infinity War actress Elisabeth Olsen said that if she could change her Scarlet Witch costume, she wouldn’t reveal so much cleavage; adding that she would have hidden one of the Infinity Stones in between her breasts, but Thanos could easily see it was there.

 

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Michael Cohen, in a hearing regarding documents seized by the FBI, revealed that Fox News anchor Sean Hannity was also a client in addition to Donald Trump.  The ‘witch hunt’ is now a ‘which hunt’ – as in, ‘which’ is the bigger scumbag client of Michael Cohen?

Desiree Linden became the first American woman to win the Boston Marathon since 1985, after six Kenyan and Ethiopian women runners froze to death.

Domino’s announced that they’re creating hotspots so that people can have pizza delivered to outdoor locations like the beach. They came up with the idea when they noticed not very many people were getting sick to their stomachs at the beach.

Former FBI Director James Comey said that Donald Trump is “morally unfit to be President.” Adding to “physically”, “mentally”, “emotionally”, “strategically” and, of course, “totally”.

The New York Times and The New Yorker shared a Pulitzer prize for public service for their reporting on Harvey Weinstein and sexual harassment in Hollywood. The winning writers exchanged polite handshakes and nobody even thought about hugging each other.

Sun Country Airlines stranded passengers in Mexico, cancelling their return flights to Minnesota. The airline is seasonal, so cancelled flights were the last ones and Sun Country refused to send other aircraft. Luckily, a benevolent Mexican stranger offered to fly stranded passengers back to the states after they each swallowed several condoms.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Armstrong said employees will undergo ‘unconscious bias’ training following the Philadelphia incident where police were called to remove two black men from the shop. The training will also prevent baristas from putting six Splenda packets in black customers’ coffees without their asking.

James Comey continued a string of tv appearances Tuesday on ABC’s Good Morning America for a follow-up conversation with George Stephanopoulos. But he had to cut it short to get to his new gig on Live! With Kelly and Comey.

Brett Favre reportedly auditioned to replace departed Jon Gruden as color announcer on Monday Night Football, but was removed from consideration for repeatedly using his penis as the quarterback on the telestrator.

Pro wrestlers Nikki Bella and John Cena have ended their engagement. Insiders claim that Cena was balking over going through with their May wedding, leading Bella to tag out. The couple requests privacy until they can explain what happened at the next Wrestlemania.

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J.J. Abrams has replaced Colin Trevorrow as the director of Star Wars: Episode IX. Trevorrow was reportedly unhappy with the script, and Disney execs found his lack of faith disturbing.

Apple held an event at its headquarters introducing the iPhone 8.  CEO Tim Cook told attendees no device has ever put as much power in to people’s hands – a claim disputed by men whose wives are holding the tv remote.

Amazon’s patent on 1-Click Shopping is set to expire next week, opening the door for other websites to make it just as easy to accidentally spend hundreds of dollars while drunk.

Nordstrom announced plans to open a new store in California that will be carry no clothing inventory.  Their research showed that women wanted to sit in traffic and fight for parking before doing online shopping at a mall.

Beth Mowins became the first woman to do play-by-play for an NFL telecast, calling the Monday night Chargers/Broncos game for ESPN. Mowins teamed with analyst & former NFL coach Rex Ryan. Asked what she’ll remember most, Mowins said ‘wearing garbage bags over her feet’.

The NFL’s regular season begun, with fans getting a look at the updated concussion protocol. Players are now evaluated in a closed tent on the sidelines in order to minimize distractions, and allow players multiple guesses of how many fingers doctors hold up.

A study published in the medical journal Annals of Internal Medicine linked long periods of excessive sitting with early death. The study is seen as especially bad news for cats.

Puppies for sale at Petland pet stores have been linked to 39 cases of campylobacter infections in humans – which is transferred by touching the puppies’ feces and results in diarrhea and vomiting. The puppies claim it’s their only defense against going home with owners they don’t like.

Lady Gaga announced that she suffers from fibromyalgia, and will sing to her doctor to decide which treatment is right for her.

The Oakland A’s announced their 2018 schedule, and will offer free admission to the Tuesday, April 17th night game against the Chicago White Sox.  A spokesman for Stubhub said that the price is in line with what most fans are willing to pay for A’s games this year.