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Caitlyn Parker, 29, wed 41-year-old radio star and American Idol mentor Bobby Bones, then jumped them later that night.

Right-wing student group Turning Point USA gave ‘Adult VIP’ status to porn star Brandi Love to attend their conference, then revoked it amidst mounting pressure from conservatives. Love was there to promote her latest video, ‘Mounting Pressure’.

Three people reportedly died of carbon monoxide poisoning inside a trailer at a country music festival in Michigan. Country singers plan to memorialize the victims, just as soon as they can find a word that rhymes with ‘monoxide’.

Megan Thee Stallion is the first rapper to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated‘s swimsuit issue. The decision was announced once the magazine found a way to make the cover an inch wider.

Ticket sales for Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ dropped 67% in its second week, as theater owners complained that home rentals on Disney+ hurt attendance, and that they’ll have to store $10 buckets of popcorn until Xmas movie season.

New research suggests cognitively stimulating activities can delay Alzheimer’s symptoms by up to five years. As a result, researchers suggest watching Jeopardy! instead of Wheel Of Fortune.

CNN announced the launch of streaming service CNN+, so people can now angrily shut off computers & streaming devices in addition to cable boxes.

A fisherman caught and photographed a rare blue lobster, then tossed it back in the ocean so that it can hopefully get laid.

The Tokyo Olympic Village furnished athletes quarters with cardboard beds, supposedly to discourage sex. There are questions as to whether or not they’ll work, since some athletes are complaining their room smells like sweat and wet cardboard.

Disney Parks unveiled changes to its Jungle Cruise ride to eliminate racist cultural depictions. They say if visitors still want to see & hear racism, they can listen to the Trump robot in the Hall Of Presidents.

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Barack Obama & Bruce Springsteen are producing a podcast about marriage, music and American Life. Toby Keith & Donald Trump are launching their own podcast, to talk about how much they hate Bruce Springsteen & Barack Obama.

American Idol fans were angry about a trans boy being sent home from his audition, while a lesser talent singing a Pitbull song advanced. The judges defended their choice, saying Hollywood has room for two lesser talents singing Pitbull songs.

Karachi, Pakistan is training a rollerblade police force. Several bank robbers have evaded capture by covering their escape route with Tinkertoys.

Tiger Woods suffered leg injuries in a car crash. Initial reports said he had to be removed with the jaws of life, but medics were able to get him out with a wedge.

The FDA confirmed the efficacy and safety of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine, especially in severe cases. J&J is calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

Texas won a court case halting the Biden Administration’s 100-day ban on deporting illegal immigrants. Said illegal immigrants “it’s okay, you can deport us, its freezing here”.

A German court convicted a Syrian officer for crimes against humanity, for sending protestors to a prison known for using torture. Because if there’s a country that knows about crimes against humanity, it’s Germany.

Jim Bell, Chief Financial Officer of Gamestop, is resigning, informing coworkers with a message on his computer screen reading GAME OVER.

New York City is reopening movie theaters, just in time for the big premiere of nothing much.

China’s Tianwen-1 Mars expedition craft entered a ‘parking orbit’ prior to landing. China’s Mars rover is expected to touch down in May, then promptly back into NASA’s Perseverance rover.

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A giant 13-by-13 foot concrete swastika was unearthed beneath a sports field in Hamburg, Germany. German officials intend to destroy it with jackhammers, but only after President Trump deemed it too expensive to transport to Washington.

A female Twitter user’s hack for sneaking food into movie theaters by using a fake foam ‘baby bump’ has gone viral; since then, dozens of women have been thrown out of cinemas after their Mountain Dew broke.

John Lasseter, writer/creator of the Toy Story movies and Chief Creative Officer of Pixar/Disney Animation, is taking a six-month leave of absence amid accusations of sexual misconduct by female employees. Lasseter will spend time-out dreaming up new adventures for Woody.

Saudi Arabia plans to issue its first tourist visas in 2018, and at the same time will introduce ‘Saudi Prime’, which includes free two-day shipping for incoming brides.

A 6-year-old Wisconsin girl shot and killed a six-point buck, the first to do so after the state nixed its minimum hunting age. Her father – who was with her – was reportedly “beaming”. Her 4-year-old brother is reportedly “terrified.”

Uber paid a $100,000 ransom to hackers who stole the data of 50 million riders and 7 million drivers. Investigators believe the hackers were competing taxi drivers, since they wouldn’t accept a credit card.

While smoking is still the number one cause of cancer, updated research from the American Cancer Society attributes an increasing number of cancer-related deaths to obesity and alcohol consumption – leading some doctors to lobby for warning labels on the floor mats at Dunkin Donuts and Buffalo Wild Wings.

New data from the Centers for Disease Control reveal the drunkest city in every U.S. state – except for Kentucky and Tennessee, where multiple cities are in the midst of a lengthy binge to break each’s 10-way tie.

Atlanta imploded the Georgia Dome, the biggest collapse the city has witnessed since the Super Bowl.

The Wall Street Journal reports that many Chief Financial Officers are discontinuing the use of Microsoft Excel, saying the ubiquitous spreadsheet software hasn’t kept up with modern financial analysis needs such as large data manipulation, and modeling payouts to executives dismissed for sexual harassment.