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Blac Chyna said her breast implant reduction surgery caused side effects – as opposed to when they were inserted, which mostly caused front effects.

Blake Shelton was dragged by fans for giving a prerecorded New Year’s Eve television performance that was promoted as “live”. In it, Shelton is heard asking the crowd if they’re ready for 2019.

Elon Musk said that X will turn a profit in 2024 – despite a large-company advertising boycott – because of ad revenue from small & medium businesses. He defines X advertisers as “small” or “medium” based on their follower count and cup size.

Actor Ian Ziering was attacked by a gang of bikers on Hollywood Boulevard after one of them allegedly struck his car. Ziering was uninjured, and said he feels lucky to have survived this, and multiple Sharknados.

16-year-old Luke Littler became the youngest competitor to reach the semifinals of the World Darts Championship. Littler attributes his success to his age and inability to get as drunk as the other semifinalists.

Spirit Airlines announced the Philadelphia Airport gate agent who placed an unaccompanied 6-year-old on the wrong flight to Florida no longer has that job – saying the gate agent has been promoted to pilot.

Cherelle Parker was sworn in as the new Mayor of Philadelphia, one day before her official inauguration, and two days before her first formal investigation for bribery & corruption.

As many of 187 names are expected to be revealed as persons linked with Jeffrey Epstein once court documents are unsealed this week. And that’s not including the 1,000-plus names on the Epstein Island waiting list.

Harvard President Claudine Gay faces new calls to resign, after six more allegations of plagiarism were made against her. Gay has yet to comment while she waits for a guy to finish the letter he’s writing explaining why she should keep her job.

Historians are claiming 16th Century philospher Nostradamus correctly predicted a deadly earthquake that struck western Japan on New Year’s Day. However, his results were mixed, as he incorrectly called for Alabama to upset Michigan in the College Football Playoff.

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Spirit Airlines put an unaccompanied 6-year-old on the wrong flight out of Philadelphia. Spirit announced they’re discontinuing their ‘Home Alone: Lost In Orlando’ fare sale.

For his part, the 6-year-old told Florida State Police he was just happy to be out of Philadelphia.

General Motors announced the Cadillac Celestiq – a hand-built fully-electric vehicle costing $300,000, made to appeal to environmentally-conscious pimps.

Russian opposition leader Aleksei Navalny wrote a letter saying he’d been moved to a penal colony in Siberia. He said he’s given one daily hour of outdoor recreation, followed by four hours of treatment for frostbite.

Beyonce’s former childhood home in Houston suffered minor fire damage on Christmas morning. The fire was quickly extinguished by members of Color Me Badd working their new jobs.

Microsoft launched its Copilot AI app for Android phones, just in time for Arizona State students to ask it to write their spring semester term papers.

Donald Trump posted Christmas messages to social media, telling his opponents to “ROT IN HELL”. Coincidentally, ROTINHELL is also the discount code for tickets to the Mar-a-Lago New Year’s Eve party.

A same-sex nativity scene in Italy, depicting the baby Jesus with two mothers, was slammed as ‘blasphemous’ by the same people who would have you believe one of the women got knocked up without having sex at all.

A new study evalutes the viability of launching a nuclear explosive “millions of miles” into space to prevent an asteroid from striking Earth. People living near the SpaceX launch site just want time to get the hell out of town in case things go sideways.

Sonja Semyonova, a Canadian woman, calls herself an ‘ecosexual’ and claims to be in love with an oak tree. “Me too” said a Canadian guy standing next to a knothole on the other side of the tree.

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Congress passed The TRACED Act, bipartisan legislation to expand consumer protection against annoying robocalls. So say goodbye to all those great deals on health insurance and extended car warranties.

Stacy London, fashion influencer and co-host of cable show ‘What Not To Wear’, introduced her new girlfriend on Instagram. No word on who doesn’t wear the pants in their relationship.

The City of Philadelphia named Danielle Outlaw, former police chief of Portland, OR, to be their new police commissioner. She’s the first African-American woman to hold the post, and the first Outlaw to lead the Philadelphia Police Department since last week.

Philadelphia recorded 355 homicides in 2019, surpassing New York City’s murder total. Combined with the Eagles’ 2019 wins over the Jets & Giants, Philly fully cemented bragging rights.

Comedian Kathy Griffin, a former staple of New Year’s Eve tv celebrations, instead got married to her longtime boyfriend shortly after midnight. Instead of watching the Waterford crystal ball drop in Times Square, she disrobed and watched her fiancee’s balls drop in California.

Pope Francis apologized following the viral video that showed him slapping at a woman who grabbed his arm in St. Peter’s Square. His Holiness said he lost patience with her, and that he’ll find a more constructive way to keep his pimp hand strong.

The Food & Drug Administration plans to ban e-cigarette & vaping flavor cartridges except for traditional tobacco and menthol. The FDA decision was announced at a press conference launching new Fruity Mango Marlboros.

Google Health demonstrated artificial intelligence they claim is better than human evaluation at detecting breast cancer, and also 100% less likely to say “wow!” when looking at women’s breasts.

Drivers in Washington state were trapped in their cars when high winds blew tumbleweeds on to local highways. Once the tumbleweeds were removed, the drivers were able to get out of their cars for pistol duels at ten paces.

Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige told an audience in New York that a transgender character will be introduced to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. No more details were shared, but in a related story, Hulk announced his pronouns as ‘them’ and ‘they’.

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A Brooklyn, NY woman started a business called ‘Happy Dead Rats’ where she offers to kill 3 rats for $15 cash, or 5 rats for $25.  No word on how well the business is doing, but NYC Police arrested a rat for offering $15 to have his wife and two girlfriends killed.

Holiday sales rose 4.9% in 2017, as indicated by a surge in $26.22 gift cards instead of the usual $25.

President Trump and his family spent the Christmas holiday at Mar-A-Lago, where every Christmas – and practically every member – is a white one.

Apple stock dropped 4% on Tuesday as investment analysts feared that the excitement may be over for iPhone X, as sales slow and the phone’s Face ID captures a lot of boredom and sadness.

In a CNN interview touting her new partnership with QVC, Martha Stewart said that “work/life balance didn’t work for me”, adding that she’s now more comfortable with work/rage balance.

The NFL will not have a Sunday Night Football game on New Year’s Eve, allowing gambling addicts to get a 4-hour headstart on their sure-to-fail New Year’s Resolution.

Movie theater chains are advising patrons that a pivotal scene in ‘The Last Jedi’ where the audio goes completely silent is intentional. Most moviegoers were unfazed since they could still hear plenty of texting and women explaining the plot to their husbands.

Two 70-plus men living in Hawaii, who have been friends for over 60 years, found out that they’re actually brothers. They hugged and updated their phones with a recurring play date.

A Florida man was arrested for attacking a Wells Fargo ATM, causing $5,000 in damages, for giving him too much money. Wells Fargo explained that the ATM gave him the money he requested, plus the balances from 6 phony accounts they’d opened in his name.

Jennifer Lawrence paid a Christmas Eve visit to a children’s hospital in her hometown of Louisville, Kentucky, taking time out of her busy schedule to bitch at sick children over how her privacy is always being violated.