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Barron Trump turned 18. As he opened birthday cards, representatives from Jean Carroll & the New York State Attorney General’s office were on hand to seize the money.

Chips Ahoy announced they’re upgrading the chips, to make them even closer to actual chocolate.

Deloitte’s Digital Trends Survey claims the average American household spends $61 monthly on 4 streaming services, and $79 on internet service to buffer all of them.

A man snapped a photo of a passenger’s boarding pass and illegally boarded a Delta Airlines flight, but was caught hiding in the lavatory before takeoff. He was removed and arrested, and Delta assigned a different standby passenger to the toilet seat.

Taking calcium & vitamin D together may lower the risk of cancer, but raise the risk of heart disease, according to new research published in medical journal ‘Damned If You Do; Damned If You Don’t.’

New video shows January 6th rioters working before dawn to construct a gallows and noose near the Capitol to hang Mike Pence. Those involved face charges of insurrection, terroristic threats, and failure to secure a building permit.

A pig kidney was transplanted to a human recipient for the first time – raising questions about how the pig signed up for the National Organ Donor Registry.

Paroled Ronald Reagan assassin John Hinckley, Jr. says ‘cancel culture’ is hurting his music career after a venue postponed his planned show on the 43rd anniversary of the shooting. The venue said customers weren’t in favor of the show, and Hinckley’s KC & the Sunshine Band covers aren’t that great anyway.

A woman’s Planet Fitness membership was revoked for taking a photo of a person who identifed as queer shaving their face in the womens locker room. Others took note and started snapping locker room pics since it’s the fastest way to cancel their membership.

The latest dangerous viral trend is teenagers snorting nutmeg. Apparently it gives a brief minutes-long high, with the added benefit of their farts smelling like Thanksgiving desserts.

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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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Pope Francis approved blessings of same-sex couples, so long as the couples don’t confuse the blessing with the sacrament of marriage, and as long as he’s one-half of the couple.

She was fired as host of Jeopardy! Who is Mayim Bialik?

Home prices dropped more than 10% in the past year in San Francisco and Austin. If this trend continues, Gen Z buyers in those cities will qualify for a 30-year mortgage when they’re 63.

Pittsburgh’s U.S. Steel is being acquired by Japan’s Nippon Steel for $14 Billion. The NFL’s Pittsburgh Steelers will now be the Pittsburgh Steerers.

Israeli Defense Force soldiers claim to have found the largest Hamas tunnel in Gaza. It’s so big it has three Hamas EZ Pass lanes.

Microsoft Word is being criticized for its “inclusivity checker” feature, and for Clippy the Clip’s return to remind you of its preferred pronouns.

A new study finds that the average American eats the daily caloric equivalent of a fourth meal comprised entirely of junk food. Study authors can’t decide whether to call it Arbreakfast, McLunch, or Dinner Bell.

LGBT lawmakers in New York State want to ban Chick-fil-A from rest stops on the New York State Thruway. They’re evaluating suitable alternatives after finding out Popeye and Roy Rogers weren’t that crazy about gay people either.

Rapper Blueface threw a female fan off the stage during a performance in Utah, then told his rapper/fiance/co-performer Jaidyn to beat her up. The woman was safely escorted out by security, then resigned as Preaident of the Blueface Fan Club.

Kendall Jenner and Bad Bunny are reportedly no longer a couple. It may be the first time a supermodel has been dumped by a Playboy Bunny.

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Colorado’s Marshall wildfire has expanded to 6,200 acres, leading to the posthumous rerelease of little-known John Denver song ‘Rocky Mountain Hot‘.

Speculation is growing that Ghislaine Maxwell will try to cut a deal with prosecutors seeking to charge other acquaintances of Jeffrey Epstein, so long as she doesn’t leave them hanging.

New York Governor Kathy Hochul declared racism a “public health emergency”, but denied the request of thousands of New York bigots trying to claim disability benefits for the disease they’re spreading.

A new analysis finds the J&J COVID vaccine is 85% effective preventing hospitalization, and 15% effective making people lying in ICUs wish they’d gotten Moderna or Pfizer instead.

Singer Grimes posted a baby-bump photo, sparking rumors that she’s once again pregnant after another test launch of Elon Musk’s rocket.

Heather Rae Young, new wife of ‘Flip Or Flop’ star Tarek El Moussa, documented her fertility process on social media. El Moussa is taking a brief break from fixer-uppers to focus on knock-er-uppers.

Orlini Kaipara of New Zealand’s News Channel 3 became the first-ever network news anchor with face tattoos – securing the milestone after Mike Tyson failed an audition to take over for Chris Cuomo on CNN.

The people of Spain mark the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve with a tradition of eating 12 grapes for good luck – though others just chug wine, the equivalent of a couple hundred grapes.

Male officials of Jordan’s Parliament brawled after a session debating amending the constitution to explicitly recognize female citizens. No one was hurt, because they threw punches like girls.

Blackberry devices will lose call, data & text functionality as of January 4th. So if 2002 calls to ask for its cell phone back, you won’t be able to answer it.

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Ghislaine Maxwell, longtime associate of Jeffrey Epstein, was arrested in New Hampshire. Officials said she would have been brought in sooner, but nobody knew how to pronounce her name when reading her rights.

New York State will prohibit fans from attending or tailgating at pro sports venues during the pandemic. Buffalo Bills fans will have no choice but to jump off armoires and break their dining room tables at home.

Young people in Alabama are throwing ‘COVID-19 Parties’ – where people with coronavirus attend and the first person to get infected receives a payout. Party organizers claim it’s cheaper than organizing a separate baby shower.

Lifeguards in Orange County, California rescued a bride in her wedding gown after she and the groom were swept into the ocean posing for wedding photos. On the bright side, a 30-year-old single female shark caught her bouquet.

Police in Italy seized $1 billion worth of amphetamines they claim was manufactured by terror group ISIS. ISIS admitted diversifying into drugmaking because there just isn’t a lot of money to be made in blowing shit up.

A Colorado “throuple” is expecting a baby. Lo Taylor is pregnant with her husband Mike’s child, but wants girlfriend/partner Jess Woodstock “to help breastfeed”. Lo & Jess plan to get small breast tattoos so the baby will know which flavor they’re choosing.

Columbus, Ohio took down a statue of Christopher Columbus – the city’s namesake. 75,000 people want the statue replaced with an image of a black transgender activist, but the local hockey team doesn’t want to call itself the Marsha P Johnson Blue Jackets.

Formula 1 racing billionaire Bernie Ecclestone became a father at age 89, when his 44-year-old wife delivered a son. Ecclestone thanked his race team for attaching a 650-horsepower engine to one of his sperm.

The Lake Travis, Texas health department is urging its residents not to attend this weekend’s Vanilla Ice concert amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases. They added if you must go, wear a mask to keep people from identifying you at a Vanilla Ice concert.

As part of settlement conditions in a paternity lawsuit, rapper Offset is demanding his baby mama, Nicole Marie Algarin, give their child Kalea Marie Algarin his last name. The child would be renamed Kalea Marie Set.