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Pokemon Go will get ‘reality blending’ updates in June, where Pokemon can hide behind real life objects, and mug you to free the other Pokemon you’ve already captured.

Hertz Rental Car filed for bankruptcy. They blame low usage during the pandemic, and the inability to charge $6 for a gallon of gas.

A researcher in Japan created a lickable surface that can recreate almost any flavor without eating the associated food. It’s thought to be a game-changing breakthrough for both weight loss and oral sex.

NASA is scheduled to launch two American astronauts into space in a Tesla Falcon 9 rocket on Wednesday. They’re expected to arrive at the International Space Station after they circle the Earth a couple of times on the way looking for a recharging station.

Twitter labeled two of Donald Trump’s tweets “Potentially Misleading” in accordance with their new fact-checking policy. Twitter may skip reviewing individual tweets and just label Trump’s account “Totally Misleading”.

Chrissy Teigen told her 29 million Instagram followers that she’s getting her breast implants removed. She received over a million comments from creeps asking if they could have them.

Dairy Queen unveiled a vegan Dilly Bar — it’s non-dairy chocolate covering three brussels sprouts on a stick.

Ford created software for police cars that heat the interior to 133 degrees for 15 minutes to kill disease-causing germs. Cops can hit the switch, go sit in Dunkin Donuts for a while, then return to a disinfected car and a more cooperative perp in the backseat.

A judge refused to immediately accept Lori Loughlin’s guilty plea and prison term in the college admissions scandal, choosing instead to render his decision at a Very Special Sentencing Episode on August 21st.

City of Philadelphia officials are moving 50 to 100 homeless people from an unused baggage claim area at Philadelphia International Airport during the pandemic. The people will be bused to various locations, but somehow their bags ended up in Miami.

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Police in Utah went to the sidewalk drink stand of an 11-year-old with a sign reading ‘ICE COLD BEER’ and found he was cleverly selling root beer. The cops bought a bottle, then set up a highly successful DUI checkpoint for other arriving drivers.

Reports claim the Philadelphia Police Department will terminate as many as 13 officers for racist and sexist social media posts, and promote others for their super-cute cat and dog pictures.

Dominican Republic’s Ministry of Tourism announced new steps to curb fears following reports of sickness and death from tourists. They include posting medical contact information in hotel rooms, and clearly labeling the percentage of antifreeze and gasoline in mini-bar liquor bottles.

The Smithsonian placed Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit on display to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. They’d raised over $750,000 in a Kickstarter to preserve the suit, and to get the mustard and Tang stains out of it.

Game developer Niantic is changing the battle mode of its massively popular title Pokemon Go. Instead of players tapping the screen during charged Pokemon battles, they’ll now throw their smartphone at opponents.

Airline KLM India apologized for a tweet using flawed data to say passengers seated in the rear of the aircraft had the greatest chance of surviving a crash. They admitted considering using the data to charge nervous flyers $75 more for those terrible seats.

A 7-foot shark was found growing around a plastic ring. “Cool ring” said other sharks.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is no longer the second-richest person alive, but, depending on his luck, could potentially be the richest person dead.

A new study finds Google and Facebook are tracking individuals’ browsing activity at porn websites even in Private/Incognito mode. Horrified Facebook users found out when their comments were labeled ‘Pornhub Top Fan’.

Tru Kids Brands announced it’s reopening Toys R Us stores in time for Christmas holiday shopping.  Small children are being advised to spend the time between now and November practicing their tantrums and meltdowns.

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Pokemon GO developer Niantic announced it’s bringing much-awaited player-vs-player battles to the game — and, in the process, delighting 40-year-olds dying to fight 9-year-olds. 

A patent application has been filed for a women’s bra that opens by clapping. The inventor advises against wearing it to indoor sporting events or your child’s school play.

A magnitude 7.0 earthquake struck off the coast of Anchorage, Alaska, causing officials to issue a tsunami warning for Alaska’s coast. Those officials were also hoping that Inuits know what “tsunami” means. 

All-Christmas station WDOK 102.1 Cleveland, pulled the Dean Martin version of ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ for its dated, predatory overtones in the #metoo era. WDOK also banned a newer holiday song ‘Have Sex With Me And I’ll Get You Out of Cleveland’. 

A photo of deceased President George Bush’s service dog, Sully, lying in front of his casket has gone viral. Sully is expected to attend Bush’s funeral, accompanied by a security detail of four Secret Service Dogs.

Michelle Obama postponed appearances in support of her book tour so that she can attend President Bush’s funeral. Oprah also paid tribute, expanding her annual Favorite Things list to include “not being dead”.

Kelsey McCarter, wife of a Tennessee high-school football coach, is seeking dismissal of sexual assault charges from a 14-year-old player who moved in with them. She claims the sex was consensual, and that the boy looked forward to two-a-day drills. 

Viewers of the live stream of Global Citizen Festival – a benefit concert in South Africa – were disappointed when Beyonce cut off video of her headlining set after 25 minutes. “This got me so crazy right now” said angry fans. 

Google has started rolling out transcriptions for their Call Screening service – which answers calls for Google’s Pixel phone users and sends them a text of the message.  So far, the most popular messages from screened calls are “When are you coming for Christmas?” and “Quick, call us with your social security number.”

The China premiere of U.S. movie hit ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ flopped at the box office, taking in a meager $1.2 million. Topping the box office with $150 million in ticket sales: ‘Crazy Poor Americans’. 

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Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf set up a hotline for residents to call for assistance following last week’s devastating flooding – provided your phone still works after being submerged in flood water.

Washington Capitals’ Alex Ovechkin announced the arrival of his first child, Sergei. Ovechkin’s wife delivered the baby via five-hole.

A new study from Arizona State University claims that disposable contact lenses flushed into the sewer are adding to the plastic waste contaminating the oceans. However, the lenses are also helping nearsighted fish see sharks further away and avoid being eaten.

The New York Times reported that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team investigating Russian election interference has interviewed White House attorney Don McGahn for over 30 hours. Mueller’s team said they were done after 3 hours, but McGahn didn’t feel like going back to the White House.

A 47-year-old Massachusetts man was arrested after a fight broke out between two foursomes on a golf course. The arrested man bit off another player’s finger during the fight, while a more helpful player hit it out of a sand trap to within six feet of an EMT standing by the pin.

2 Chainz got married — now he’s Ball n’ 2 Chainz.

Nemesio Oseguera Cervantes, known as “El Mencho,” was named the most-wanted drug kingpin in North America, as Mexican and U.S. authorities put a $6.5 million bounty for capture of the leader of the Jalisco New Generation cartel. El Mencho is not to be confused with Harvey “El Menscho” Mensch, all-around great guy at Jalisco’s Hebrew Temple Beth El.

Conde Nast Traveler magazine readers named the world’s 11 Most Friendly Cities, topped by San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. Two Mexican cities and two in Ireland made the list. while no U.S. cities were named — this despite Philadelphia’s “vote for f***in Philadelphia, already, you pussies!” campaign.

Pokémon Go publisher Niantic has launched a new parental login portal for the popular mobile game so that parents can monitor their children’s activity, and, in all likelihood, suck the fun out of it.

A sixth-grade teacher in Georgia donated a kidney to one of his students, and later donated a C- to the essay that the student wrote about it.

 

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President Trump signed a declaration to create the Space Force — a task force to find space for all of the children being put in cages by his zero-tolerance immigration policy.

Microsoft – who works with ICE and the Border Patrol – urged the Trump Administration to reconsider the zero-tolerance policy and end the separation of families. Apple has yet to comment, but asked border agents if the detained children wanted to kill time learning to assemble iPads.

14% of U.S. adults now smoke cigarettes – an all-time low. While health officials praise the decline, the general population is concerned about how much harder it is to figure out who the cool people are.

An articulated python killed a woman and swallowed her whole in Indonesia. 54-year-old Tiba Wa was checking on her home vegetable garden. The python was also there checking on food, but was not vegetarian.

In other Indonesian news, a North Toraja man died when the coffin of his deceased mother fell on him at her funeral. The man had repeatedly said his mother was suffocating him, but, in fact, he died of head injuries.

The U.S. Golf Association apologized for Fox Sports U.S. Open golf broadcast, when mics picked up two male spectators talking about aggressive sex, with one saying that he “headbutted” and “smacked” his female sex partner. The men said they were whispering, but Tiger Woods asked them to speak up.

Queen Elizabeth’s cousin, Lord Ivar Mountbatten, will become the first member of the Royal Family to be wed in a gay marriage. Asked if the Queen will be in attendance, Lord Mountbatten replied “which one?”

Developer Niantic announced that they’ll soon add Pokémon trading to mobile game Pokémon Go. Though many adults have already been trading Pokémon for healthy relationships.

A woodchuck is being blamed for stealing American flags from veterans’ burial plots at a Massachusetts graveyard. The woodchuck said he’s presenting the flags to widows of veteran woodchucks hit by cars.

Two Akron, Ohio firefighters have been suspended amid accusations that they filmed a pornographic video in a municipal fire station. The film depicts several methods for sliding down a fire pole.