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Joey Graziadei will be ABC’s next ‘The Bachelor‘, after finishing as runner-up on The Bachelorette. ‘Runner-up’ means he got to have sex with The Bachelorette, but didn’t have to be her fiance.

Donald Trump will surrender to Georgia police on Thursday after being charged with felony election fraud and will be released on $200,000 bond. Rudy Giuliani will also surrender around the same time so he can ask Donald Trump for bail money.

A trans woman is suing a New York yoga studio for not allowing her to use the woman’s locker room. Management was responding to complaints from females who didn’t want to see the yogi bare.

Google Photos announced a redesign of its editing tools, providing AI-driven ‘Suggestions’ such as Filter, Crop, or – when it detects boob & dick pics – Enhance.

Following torrential downpours from Hurricane Hilary, the mayor of Palm Springs stated it was impossible to enter or leave the city. City council took up a measure to rename it Palm Island.

Japan will release one million gallons of treated radioactive water into the ocean from the wrecked Fukushima nuclear plant on August 24th. Starting around August 25th, there will be a nationwide 50% off sale on sushi.

The Philadelphia Phillies are testing a new facial recognition entry system where fans can submit a picture to use their face as a ticket. The team asks that fans don’t get too drunk in the parking lot and punch each other’s tickets.

Bucking the trend of retailers leaving the city due to rampant theft, Ikea opened a new store in downtown San Francisco. It’ll host the first Smash & Grab where it takes looters 15 minutes to exit the building.

The Coast Guard rescued a man stuck for several days on an uninhabited island in the Bahamas after his sailboat broke down. The man was grateful since he”d grown tired of the boat’s Skipper hitting him with his hat.

Armed suspects robbed an ice cream parlor in Philadelphia. They fled with an undisclosed amount of cash stuffed in a waffle cone.

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Subway sandwich shops may be selling fake tuna fish, after a testing lab could not confirm the species of fish being sold as tuna. Apparently, tuna are just like millions of sandwich-loving Americans who wouldn’t be caught dead inside Subway.

White House First Dog Champ Biden passed away over the weekend. Surviving First Dog, Major Biden, asked for privacy during this difficult time so he could lick his own testicles.

Father of Kourtney Kardashian’s three children and legendary douche Scott Disick appeared on the Keeping Up With the Kardashians Reunion to answer why, at age 38, he’s dating a 20-year-old. Said Disick “because I can”.

Sprinter Usain Bolt and girlfriend Kasi Bennett welcomed twins, Saint and Thunder, who join older sibling Olympia Lightning. Usain & Kasi are unsure whether they’ll have more kids, or whether Bolt will disable his nuts.

Laurel Hubbard, a 43-year-old transgender female, will compete on New Zealand’s Olympic weightlifting team in Tokyo. Hubbard, who transitioned in 2013, wants to prove something to everyone who thought she didn’t have the balls.

Amazon kicked off its annual Prime Days sale. Competitors are creating their own online shopping events, with Target launching Deal Days, and Walmart holding their Hooray You Don’t Have To Actually Set Foot In Walmart sale.

The Supreme Court ruled against the NCAA, opening the door for student-athletes to receive “education-related compensation”. Football & basketball coaches immediately started interviewing academic tutors who are also exotic dancers.

American Airlines is reportedly cancelling flights because of a labor shortage. They say additional workers are needed. or else passengers will wait up to three hours for checked bags instead of the traditional 90 minutes.

Sesame Street introduced a gay couple for the first time. “Introduced? We’ve been here 40 goddamned years!” said Bert & Ernie.

Protesters at the Palm Springs unveiling of a 26-foot-tall statue of Marilyn Monroe, claimed it’s exploitative because it shows Monroe’s underwear, recreating a scene from The Seven-Year Itch. They also claim it’s unnecessary to have a statue of John F. Kennedy next to it, staring up her skirt.

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Republicans in the House of Representatives removed Wyoming’s Liz Cheney from her position as GOP House Chair in a closed-door vote. Cheney emerged from the meeting, said the vote was a fraud, and once again gained Donald Trump’s support.

Violence continued between Israel and Palestine, with the two factions trading rocket attacks and air strikes. The U.S. is hoping to broker a cease fire so the two sides can have the annual Israeli/Palestinian All-Star Game.

The NFL releases its 2021 schedule tonight. They’re expected to showcase 17 prime-time games featuring Tom Brady’s Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and special halftime shows featuring Aaron Rodgers pouting in front of a mirror.

Tyson Foods, a leading chicken supplier, claims their current chicken supply shortage is because newer roosters selected for breeding “aren’t meeting expectations”. Tyson hens put it more bluntly, saying “just admit it, they’re gay”.

Los Angeles County records show that Caitlyn Jenner did, indeed, vote in the 2020 election. Jenner has not yet addressed her voting lie, but did release a statement admitting her current shade is not her natural hair color.

General manager Jennifer Lopez confirmed she’s designated Alex Rodriguez for assignment, with the purpose of granting his unconditional release. Lopez also announced designated hitter Ben Affleck has been given a 30-day tryout deal.

Horse trainer Bob Baffert – suspended after Derby winner Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids – admitted the horse was rubbed with ointment containing a banned substance. Baffert’s suspension is upheld, and Medina Spirit was ordered to stop hanging out with Barry Bonds.

Ellen Degeneres will end her daytime talk show after the 2022 season. Ellen informed her staff on May 11th, and promised to make time to belittle each and every one of them before the show ends.

Instagram users can now add pronouns to their profiles. “Is ‘big boobs’ a pronoun?” asked hundreds of influencers.

Frank Sinatra’s home in the California desert is for sale, priced at $4.25 million. It features a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom main house on over 7 acres, with a pool, a guest house, and the unmarked graves of Teamsters leaders who refused to be bought.