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Big Lots is closing 40 stores. They’re transferring inventory to other Big Lots stores which are now Bigger Lots.

Sea lions chased people off of a beach near San Diego. Wildlife experts claim it’s because the sea lions want a place to mate. So the male & female sea lions asked all of the good-looking beachgoers to stick around.

Snoop Dogg will carry the Olympic torch in Paris, but the trail behind him will smell more like Amsterdam.

After an embarrassing performance of the National Anthem at baseball’s All-Star Game, singer Ingrid Andress said she was drunk and was checking in to rehab. Even more embarrassing, she asked when she could see Lebron James play there.

A one-pound bluefish dropped from the sky and broke the windshield of a parked Tesla in New Jersey. The subsequent insurance claim was voted Most Likely To Be Turned Down By The General.

New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez said he’ll resign after being found guilty of corruption, but added it’s not, like, the worst thing a Menendez ever did.

U.S. Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle resigned following criticism of their protection of Donald Trump. In the meantime, the Secret Service will provide Trump with a large bulletproof hamster ball for upcoming public appearances.

Following his decision not to seek reelection, President Joe Biden will address the nation from the Oval Office tonight, just as soon as the crew from Allied Van Lines finishes packing up the room.

A 47-year-old fifth grade teacher from Horsham, Pennsylvania was arrested after being accused of masturbating in two different public places. Counselors were made available to students after what they described as “the worst health class ever”.

Britain’s Prince William was officially named Patron of the U.K. Football Association, the entity controlling all of the nation’s pro, youth & disabled teams. Like American counterparts, his first act was to declare he needs a new stadium that the public pays for.

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A porch pirate in New Jersey stole a new cell phone delivery while posing as an Amazon driver. He then sent the victim a picture of the phone on his own porch and requested feedback.

A black bear was spotted roaming through backyards in Newark Delaware. It’s believed to be lost while looking for neighboring Bear, Delaware.

Drug maker Novo Norodisk will build a $4.1 billion facility to manufacture weight loss drugs Wegovy & Ozempic. They’re also spending a billion dollars on McDonald’s franchises just to make sure demand keeps up.

Pandas are returning to the San Diego Zoo for the first time in years, scheduled to arrive via Panda Express.

A bride in Australia went viral for a video of her walking down the aisle while telling guests to put their mobile phones away. Women were disappointed at not being able to record the bride; men were angry missing the football game.

Health officials are warning of fake Botox. They advise patients to ask their doctors for the real Botox when they want to look fake.

The City of Philadelphia opened all of its municipal pools and spray parks – offering residents who want to cool off the choice of being sprayed with water or bullets.

Surgeons performed a kidney transplant on a man who remained awake the entire time. Representatives from the Guinness Book of Records were on hand to present the man’s award for World’s Worst Health Insurance.

Bubbles the Chimp, longtime pet of the late Michael Jackson, turned 41 years old at the Florida animal sanctuary where he lives and receives twice-weekly trauma therapy.

Parisians angry about the cost of cleaning the River Seine for the Paris Olympics plan to defecate in it as a protest, along with dozens of others who have no idea there’s a protest going on.

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Following extensive repairs, the legendary Battleship SS New Jersey was returned to dock in Camden, New Jersey. The ship now has 10 new exits and three different Roy Rogers restaurants.

Owner of casual dining chain Olive Garden claims Americans are switching from fast food to sit-down casual eateries – then complaining the food doesn’t get there fast enough.

McDonald’s debuted the items in their new $5 meal deal – for $5, you get a $6 discount coupon for a better place to eat.

Electric vehicle owners are finding their cars can lose up to 31 percent of the battery charge in extreme heat. Engineers are working on a system to channel energy from the driver’s ass when they sit on the hot front seat.

Athletes in the Paris Olympics say the River Seine is too polluted to swim in for the triathlon. They say organizers are crazy if they think they’re going to go in Seine.

Louisiana passed a law requiring the 10 Commandments to be displayed in all public school classrooms. The law angered civil rights activists, but Louisiana teachers are hoping it means more Louisiana high school graduates can count to 10.

Mosquitos with West Nile Virus are infecting visitors to Las Vegas. Mosquitos are also raking it in betting the ‘over’ on the number of tourists treated for the disease at local hospitals.

Drug manufacturers are warning consumers of counterfeits for weight loss drugs like Wegovy and Ozempic. In other news, Dollar Tree announced the release of new & improved Wegroovy and Zolympic.

The Supreme Court upheld restrictions barring domestic abusers from owning guns, but go ahead an borrow one if you really need it.

Rite Aid announced more pharmacy closures, but still no clearance pricing on opioids.

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Google will soon make their proprietary AI photo-editing tools available to all iPhone & Android users, making it easier than ever to cut your exes and dead relatives out of group photos you look great in.

A possible meteor sighting was recorded over parts of Pennsylvania & New Jersey, but first astronomers want to check with the FAA to make sure it wasn’t part of a Boeing jet crashing to earth.

Jessica Sawicki, a 37-year-old English teacher in Hamilton, New Jersey, allegedly had sex multiple times with an underage student at Assunpink Wildlife Area – where her student saw a lot of both.

Beyonce became the first black artist to reach Number 1 on the Billboard Hot Country Album and Billboard 200 Album charts simultaneously. She plans to celebrate Morgan Wallen-style by tossing a chair off of a Nashville rooftop.

The U.S. Postal Service plans to increase the price of first class Forever stamps to 73 cents – forcing fixed-income grandparents to downgrade money in their grandkids birthday cards from five dollars to four.

Track & field athletes will get paid at the Paris Summer Olympics. Gold medal relay teams will split $50,000, and race-walkers will get a few bucks just because organizers feel bad about how ridiculous they look.

The owner of Sis Sweets Cookies & Cafe in Kansas believes she lost a $4,000 diamond in the dough of cookies she made. Regular customers are spending a lot more time in the Sis Sweets restrooms poking around.

The NFL is allowing teams to have a third helmet design. This is so teams can wear and merchandise more alternate & throwback designs, and so the question “what color helmet were you wearing?” can be added to the concussion protocol.

O.J. Simpson passed away at age 76 after a battle with cancer. The Buffalo Bills announced they’ll lower their championship flags to half mast if they ever get them.

The Coast Guard rescued three people from a remote Pacific Island after they spelled out ‘HELP’ with palm leaves. Then the Coast Guard left after being told the message was for the DoorDash boat.