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A man was stoned to death by monkeys in India. The man’s family was upset, but said he probably shouldn’t have been stealing bananas.

Conjoined twin Abby Hensel of TLC reality show Abby & Brittany revealed she’s been married to a man since 2021. The news remained private for three years because Brittany was furious at not being Maid of Honor.

Frequent fliers shared their tips on the best seats to book. The consensus favorite is a window seat over the wings for uninterrupted rest and mitigating the feel of turbulence. The second favorite is any seat not on a Spirit-or-Frontier-owned Boeing.

A cholesterol-lowering supplement containing red mold sold in Japan killed two people and sickened 100 others. Their cholesterol may not be lower but they all lost weight.

Authorities revealed what they seized in raids of Diddy’s homes – including firearms and computers. Unfortunately they didn’t find any new hit songs.

Investigators are examining flight logs for Diddy’s private jets as part of their sex-trafficking investigation. They aren’t saying what destinations they’ve found so far, only that one of them rhymes with Schlepsteens Smilind.

Workers at video game giant Sega of America agreed to unionize. High scores will be tougher to come by since Sonic The Hedgehog now gets two 10-minute breaks every hour.

The City of Philadelphia is cracking down on people who illegally park their cars on sidewalks and in front of curb ramps. The Parking Authority is hiring 30 new officers to issue tickets and pull pedestrians out from under cars.

Independent Robert F. Kennedy Jr. picked Nicole Shanahan as his vice presidential running mate. Shanahan is a little-known Silicon Valley attorney and entrepreneur, who will be even littler-known in mid-November.

A new report created in the wake of child actor abuse documentary ‘Quiet On Set’ claims Nickelodeon network hired or employed 5 abusers and pedophiles. The report’s authors say their work won’t be complete until they finish interviews with all of the Rugrats.

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TikTok removed 7 million accounts of underage users. “TikTok sucks” said pedophiles.

A boy was bitten by a shark at a Boy Scout camp near Catalina Island, California. The boy is recovering, and the shark received its Biting Children merit badge.

Trump Organization Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg was indicted on tax evasion charges. As evidence, the New York District Attorney submitted Weisselberg’s resume, where in the Skills section he listed Tax Evasion.

Joe Biden is expected is to meet with rescue teams at the fallen Champlain Towers condo building in Miami, then he’ll meet with EMTs to fix whatever happens to him as he walks across the rubble.

China’s President Xi Jinping said that those who attempt to bully China will face “broken heads and bloodshed” – in what’s being called “the weirdest anti-bullying speech ever”.

Conservative commenter Meghan McCain is leaving ‘The View’. ABC executives reportedly begged her to stay, saying their effort to find another entitled conservative blowhard could be as difficult as asking for Ivanka Trump’s phone number.

85 children and staffers contracted COVID-19 at a summer camp that didn’t require masks or check vaccine status. Officials indefinitely postponed Color War at Camp Delta Variant.

TikTok is expanding video length to three minutes. Now you can watch baby boomers cringeworthy videos, then see them take two minutes figuring out how to end it.

Bill Cosby was released from prison due to a legal technicality. Cosby’s lawyers then spent the rest of the day fielding 50 calls from Harvey Weinstein.

The Los Angeles Police Bomb Squad detonated 5,000 pounds of illegal fireworks in a so-called “containment truck”, which blew up the truck. Now they have to find a new truck to blow up in the July 4th parade.

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Two domestic house cats in New York City tested positive for coronavirus. The cats have decided to self-quarantine for 15 years.

Facebook Messenger Kids app will launch in 70 more countries, providing a valuable communications tool for quarantined pedophiles.

With Kim Jong Un’s health in question, political observers are wondering who would be next in line to lead North Korea. Most agree that it would be Kim’s younger sister, Dakota Jong Un.

Zoom released version 5.0 with security and privacy improvements – so Zoombombers can now control who else on the video conference sees their genitals.

Tiger Woods & Tom Brady will take on Phil Mickelson & Peyton Manning in a charity challenge for COVID-19 relief called “Golf on TV Somehow Cures Boredom”.

The Masked Singer’s Banana was revealed to be Poison frontman Bret Michaels. Now millions of Americans – not just Poison groupies – have seen Bret Michaels’ Banana.

A new study finds eating potatoes with processed meat leads to higher risk of dementia, leading the American Medical Association to consider changing its name to McDementia.

Industry leader DJI is prepared to release its latest camera drone model, the Mavic Air 2. It costs $799, or $999 if you want it to just find topless women on its own.

Golden State Warriors head coach & former Chicago Bull Steve Kerr said in an interview that Michael Jordan punching him in the face “helped our relationship”. Kerr went into coaching after a brief, unsuccessful career as a marriage counselor.

Nintendo Switch consoles are being hacked and used to purchase expensive in-game currencies, according to a report from Detective Toad of the Mushroom Kingdom’s cybercrimes division.